I want to explore the negative polarity.

[throwawaynegative132]

  
All that may be so from an externalized standpoint, but there is also the option of focusing mainly on internal work.  In other words, just as one can focus the balance of one's STO efforts towards helping others externally or on inner work, those of the darker path have similar possibilities.  Ergo, committing mass atrocities is one way, and severe internal discipline is another.

Of course, one must concede that either of these can lead to complications in their own realm: imprisonment outwardly, insanity inwardly.  Everything comes with trade-offs, so it pays to choose wisely and act decisively.  What is it to choose wisely?  As mentioned above somewhere, it's to know and to harmonize with your sense of your own deep disposition.  To do otherwise is of questionable value, peregrine says.
  

This is very much true. I have chosen the latter. As expected that is much harder. I find the replies of the others very interesting. There can be no denial that STS is the path of that which is not. It is covered in lies but yet it is equally valid. My whole life I have been generally positive. Not because I wanted to but because I just was. This has led me to experience a great deal of pain and suffering which could have been avoided had I been a little more selfish. I find that if I'm suffering now it makes no difference on the path I'm on and that If I am on the STS path at least I get to experience the pleasure of power and conquest. Rather than being conquered by the negative feelings that accompany every day I will learn to discipline myself and control myself and more importantly control my fate.
I've been the outcast my whole life, I am going trough and have gone trough my fair share of trauma as many others have and eventually at some point I just fell apart. I could not bring my ideals into balance with the harsh reality. No matter how hard I believed in the way of love it never yieled me anything but more pain. The only reason I started to consider the negative path so late is that I had a great fear that perhaps I was never originally meant to be STS. Perhaps I came into this life with different expectations. I had a great deal of dreams about the world after but I lack the expertise to fully understand it.
In my view there is no way to win in this world without succumbing to STS. All my life experiences have proven me that. I have tried for a long time to believe otherwise and to be honest a part of me still struggles but I think that is to be expected as one makes the transistion.
I do fear more pain. It's just that I believe there is no way for me to believe in something I am no longer convinced of. In a way I guess you could say the world broke me and all I'm trying to do is piece myself back together. As you know fear leads to anger and anger to hatred and hatred to suffering....All my life I have felt nothing else and tried so hard to experience for even a single moment the opposite. You can imagine as being stranded in the lonely desert looking for a drop of water. Instead all you find is salt water.
Ra mentioned that this planet may seem negative but in fact most of its population is on its way towards the positive. I have felt that. I could never quite fully understand why people join a society. Being the outcast I have never really liked society as a whole. I can see that they do their best even in their distorted ways but when I compare myself to them I see that it is me who is overwhelmingly negative even though for a long time I have thought myself to be not.  As the transition towards 4th density positive increases you can actually see its effects. People are becoming more and more accepting unfourtunately for them it was all for nothing. This planet (surface at least) is on its way towards doom. Another 75k years of suffering on another mixed polarity planet for the majority of humans. I don't want that just to get to a place in the end with no suffering and the denial of STS-reality.
It is extremely difficult for me to explain but the way I see it in worlds such as these STS inevitably wins and rules and brings forth a albeit be it a very distorted order. I find that to be better than the Choas that is intended by the Creator,embraced and accepted by the STO-side.
I want to be in control of my destiny and I want to win, I don't want to suffer and I don't want to be a slave and yet I already am both of the latter things and I know that I will continue to be that in the negative hierarchy but at the very least I will have done something rather than wait endlessly for something to change or pray towards the all knowing Creator for something positive to happen in my life.  I really wish there was a way to do all that in the positive way but I have never seen that.
Faith is a kind of blind thing that no matter what happens you believe that the Creator has your best interests at heart. I can not and do not want to live that way. For me that is the way of endless and mostly pointless suffering. I have lost my faith in that and I don't want to participate any longer in that pointless suffering. I see it every day and most here do too. Good things happen to bad people and bad things to good people. Almost seems like a rule. I know that from the STO-side of things up there in heaven the angels say that the true riches lie in suffering but I never saw it that way.  STS at least uses that pain to establish more control and STO sees it as a way to learn about the distortions of man and nature. In essence both paths are essentially one and the same but I fear that is too much for my 3d density mind to understand with this being the density of choice.  
I have thought about the possibilty of being a wanderer. I have gone trough the questionaire in Carlas Book but I am still unsure. I think that that choice where one stand will reveal itself in the heart and for now I have made mine. I wonder what it feels like for the other people here? Have any of you ever felt the way I have and what came of it?
In a way I envy most people here. If you knew how easy it is nowadays to penetrate the veil you would have all done so already. I know Ra said that it is harder on the positive path at first but with the bans being lifted it is increasingly getting easier. Not to mention the etheric wave of energy that is already here waiting to be used. ( The cassiopeans mentioned that).  I have so much negative emotions, thoughts and feelings in me from years and years of suffering it is just easier to embrace that instead of doing a full reverse. That's what I believe. The irony is I believed I was on positive path without realizing I was becoming more and more the opposite. I became extremely depressed when I realized it and tried to change but I know its too late now.
If you take a really close look at Hitlers and Khans life you will see a lot of interesting things. The worst monsters are not born, they are made.