The Cultivation of Radical Honesty

[rva_jeremy]

Ergo, it's very important, as you probably already know, to learn to identify these things by inference--by identifying their subtle, underwater signatures--so that they can eventually be fished out and assuaged through open identification and acceptance. For me, oftentimes they do simply fall away by that point, by the way.

Yes, I know what you mean. This takes time, so I appreciate the reassurance. It means a lot to me. Working on this level of imprecision can be really difficult for me; I want clarity, and there is precious little at this point in the process. I started this thread, not to get specific strategies, but really to get this kind of confirmation of the experience, just to feel like I'm not totally lost. So thank you.

Here's my take on the situation in general: I am motivated most strongly by my desire to reconnect with my "full self" (as I feel it intuitively) and this is also what guides me. So directed, I step into all kinds of muck--mainly internal, these days--but I persevere owing to the intensity of my desire to reach my goal.

In other words, whenever I run into something self-defeating (or otherwise defeating), I rely upon the strength and focus of my will to reach my goal to move me through it.

Yes; what this relies on as a precondition is a faith in the existence of the goal one seeks. This has been a stumbling block for me. If one loses faith that there is a real self that either is reachable or even there at all, one can prefer to seek comfort in more tangible or accessible endeavors. I am trying to balance this. Just trying to be open about where I'm at and where I've been. Again, thanks for sharing this - it means a lot.

For me, honesty and the will to re-join my "full self" are directly related. This is, obviously, akin to your observation that lack of will can be a cause for a blurring of honesty. The will has to be guided by a goal the way a navigator uses the stars or objects on the horizon, right? What's yours focused upon?

Essentially the same thing. I want to have a deeper connection. But there is no certainty in the character of this connection. To be honest, I'm afraid of what achieving this connection will demand of me, of the commitments I've made in my waking life, of how it will change who I think I am.

These fears are something that, on the one hand, I cannot allow to hold me back, since I can't be happy and fully committed to a sleeping, materialistic life. On the other hand, I can't simply ignore them, right? That's the issue: going about the balancing in a manner that doesn't overemphasize the negative parts without ignoring them, either.

One more datum to consider: I've just restarted a morning meditation regimen. I'm quite early on this path. So I know nothing that will be offered to me in this thread will substitute for what is in store for me. As I said earlier, it's just nice to know that others have a similar experience. I'm a perfectionist and the fear of doing this "the wrong way" is a big distortion I deal with. Just getting back into meditating and not worrying about whether I'm wasting my time or not was a big step for me.

It's also nice to just write about this stuff. Writing for me is an outlet of tremendous importance. So thanks for reading it.