Depression

[Sacred Fool]

Thank you peregrine, your posts are always so insightful and eloquent

Yeah, maybe now and then in recent years.  If go back further, you'll see some freely idiotic and obnoxious posts to balance out the recent ones.  In other words, it's been a journey.

Anyhow, I think you are already conceptually hip.  The two things which puzzle you might be (1) the layout of your ugly, veiled internal content and (2) a planned approach to enter upon the quest, not in general terms, but specific to your particular distortions.
To wit, I'm sure you can easily conceive of how--in general--you could be harboring such an incredibly fierce hatred of self that it has become self-crippling.  I would guess that there are very few of us who do not do this to one extent or another.   But you already know all this, don't you?
Taking (2) above first, I might suggest beginning by sniffing around and coming up with an inventory of energies within and around you which, rather than being full of love, actually suck love.  For instance, places of dread and fear, perhaps tied to pivotal early childhood experiences.  Or maybe areas of home or work or social life where you suck love, or others do so from you.  Then, having noted these, you'll want to begin working to balance them out somehow so that these "fields" become more healthy, that is, full of love.
After becoming somewhat comfortable with that, then you might go deliberately diving into the stinky, dark recesses of the lower chakras.  It's beyond belief how much raw sewage a person can be carrying around with them.  And it, for instance, can come as quite a blow to discover that the outward architecture of one's entire life has been crafted a around pathetic misunderstanding called self-hatred which conduced to mis-guided self punishment and consequent crippling of one's energetic experience and potential for consciousness.  Take from one who's been there, it takes a lot of help and a strong desire to grow to be able to ask your internal self-protection apparatus to allow you into repository where such yuckiness is held.  It's not a simple task.  Ergo, items (1) and (2) above are not gained through the expression of casual interest, nor by posting in the internet.  But you already know that, don't you?  The depression of your energy system is telling you, "You've got mail."  It's up to you to pick up the letter and open it.  That's where the adventure begins.