I have a dilemma

[Sacred Fool]

 
Well, one thing I can say for you guys, you have some genuine awareness of your personal suffering.  I mean by this that, back a few decades ago, the average person's confusion to clarity ratio would likely have been tipped far more in the direction of confusion than today.  We're just more oriented towards and more supported in doing this work these days.  I say this to offer some encouragement in the sense that you're likely further along now than you would have been then because so many others have widened that trail ahead of you.

What I more deeply wish I could offer you is a view of the work you're engaged in during this brief incarnation from the perspective of your soul stream.  It would all feel much different to you if you could get some sense of that.  Personally, over many years of working with clairvoyants I have gotten some sense of this, but your own path there--should you find one--is not something I can point out to you.

I can say this, however: living a life of disentangling one stinking internal morass after the next after the next does eventually have small some rewards, none of which, in my case, are material.  As one's vibration loses noisiness and gains in signal strength, as blockage after unexpected blockage is healed, one begins to enjoy a greater sense of wholeness, and the work becomes easier, more focused and more rewarding.  It's like having a long term project car.  After repairing the drive train, the front end, the interior, etc., the day comes when you can get in the thing and drive around, and it becomes, so to speak, your instrument.  In the case of doing the hard, miserable, lonely inner garbage collecting and sorting and repairing, that "instrument" is your own consciousness.  What could possibly be more rewarding than having/being a consciousness of significant magnitude as a result of your own humble workmanship?