I have a dilemma

[Stranger]

I'm really not well at all right now, and I felt more stable and functional when I was polarizing negatively.

If you're versed in astrology, I have Lilith in my 12th house (a strong draw towards seductive energies and a strong desire to use them, a predisposition to dark thoughts. This is often considered to be the most unfortunate placement of Lilith) and Pluto conjunct my north node in Scorpio (my life path heavily revolves around power, transformation, and destruction as renewal).

There's a lot of trauma I have, and often when I think I've forgiven people and am ready to move on, I begin feeling the trauma again and anger about it. It felt more natural for me to see this anger and pain as fuel I could draw energy and power from to keep going, rather than something I had to ultimately turn into love, which makes me feel like more of a doormat than anything.

The culture of this generation (I'm in my 20's) also has a strong negative influence, and I feel far more isolated when I feel wrong in expressing negative emotions or sentiments, which are common among most social circles I find.

888, your post has been on my mind for some time now.  I think I have a bit of clarity about your situation, and I hope this will be helpful to you.

The parts of you hurt by the perpetrators of your trauma are still carrying that hurt, inside you.  That is what trauma is.
When you try to love or forgive the perpetrators of your trauma without doing anything to help your own hurt, those parts of you feel betrayed and violated all over again.  That is why you feel the trauma and the hurt.

Imagine if it were three people: the perpetrator, the victim, and you.  You come into the situation and decide that the perpetrator should be forgiven.  How does the victim feel?

The way out of this is to love the hurt and violated parts of yourself first.  Observe within yourself the distress that gets triggered as soon as you decide to forgive.  Then, take time to be loving and kind to those feelings within you; comfort them, the way you might a small child or frightened pet.  Be the caring presence they need.  This will actually begin to heal them.

Basically, you need to acknowledge their hurt and give it expression; then meet it with kindness.  "Expressive writing" is a good tool for this:
https://ggia.berkeley.edu/practice/expressive_writing
This purely self-guided practice has been scientifically shown to even make wounds heal faster.

Also, EMDR is an excellent form of therapy for trauma.  It also works by connecting you with your unhealed distress and bringing it to the surface, so it can be released.  https://www.emdria.org/find-a-therapist/

I hope this makes sense - if not, send me a PM as I don't often follow threads.  Good luck!