I have a dilemma

[Diana]

I do 20 minutes minimum of silent meditation a day. I'll stretch it out to multiple hours if I have the time and inclination to, and I cycle through various meditative activities like the Wim Hof breathing method, yoga nidra, qigong, regular yoga, guided meditation / visualization audios, Hindu mantras, candle meditation, chakra meditations etc. on a daily basis... I'll do maybe 2-3 of the activities I listed a day, and switch them to maintain variety. I invoke and banish, and do Kabbalistic meditations every day (I'm going to stop for this next week or so because I feel very burnt out).

It seems like none of that's working right now. This is a very low point for me I guess. It felt like it was working at points before.

Anyways I'll listen to the interview you linked when I have the time to.
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I'm not going to give up, I'm really going to keep pushing until I either break through or everything falls apart for good, but it's really, really frustrating putting in 110% into everything, in the 'regular' world, and the spiritual world, and just feeling like I'm getting further and further from actual progress.

I just need to say this s***. I'm not looking to complain to anybody and I don't care if anyone even reads or responds to this at this point. I'm fucking frustrated and I just need to post this somewhere. I really need things to change.

I hear you. And I am in agreement that even just posting—getting something out of your own head and into words somewhere—is wise as a step forward in balancing. I do the same. I also get your frustration about putting 110% into everything, as I do this as well, but here I can offer my own general philosophy, which is: don't be attached to outcomes. This short article I wrote may be of interest on that score: http://warriorspirit.net/what-is-a-warrior-spirit/

I'm only conjecturing here, but it seems to me, and for months it seems to have been ratcheting up, that there is some kind of collective energy bringing up otherwise undealt-with catalyst for people. The sort of catalyst I refer to is the stuff perhaps that's been repressed, or issues from childhood, and other buried feelings that weren't processed.

As an observer of my own life, I witness these things coming up lately. Personally, it has been my past experience that directly dealing with imbalances isn't as efficacious as just working in general to evolve consciously forward. Many things just fall away without having to agonize over analyses when consciousness expands. I am not sure how the current wave of catalyst will play out, for myself or for the world in general.

My own approach is to try to stay open to whatever comes through. At the same time, move forward. One thing that helps me is to have a purpose outside of myself, a service to the world. Individuals have different things to offer others. It could be just volunteering somewhere for example; though, with things the way they are at the moment, that may be difficult to do.

Ultimately, and paradoxically, though everything is connected, one is alone in one's challenges—being accountable and responsible for self.