I have a dilemma

[Sacred Fool]

 
I salute your seeking and your honesty, 888.  I sorely understand the price one pays for engaging in such work.

You might possibly find it profitable to read the following Q'uo session.  The questions were posed so as to maybe assist those with a background in STS proclivities.  The answers point to some ways of exploring self which are not focused on polarity, but on deep self-awareness.    

https://llresearch.org/transcripts/issue..._0414.aspx


Regarding suffering in general, the Buddhists have given much thought to this problem.  The Tibetan branch might hold some interest for you.  If you're not already familiar with it, the story of Milarepa might interest you.  Vajrasattva practice in particular has been helpful for many, myself included, in terms of removing accreted darkness.

In a general sense, one might say that darkness cannot be eliminated.  It can be integrated into a larger Whole which involves determined commitment to benefit all beings.  Again, it's a Choice, a choice as to how to tune your instrument. 

As to why one might incarnate into this mess when things are far more facile in higher planes, one answer is that here, on this plane, one has a greater opportunity to tune one's basic vibration.  The idea is that choices made under duress are more deeply resonant than those made when can simply see the entire layout of things. 

Many years ago, I was swimming underwater in a murky lake and completely lost my sense of in what direction the surface lay.  After moving fruitlessly in several directions, and running very low on oxygen, I simply stopped moving.  After a few moments, I began to float in a direction I had not previously suspected was the way up.  I accelerated along that trajectory and was quite happy when I breached the surface.  Coming to the shore, it was all I could do to drag myself out and lie down for a time.  It was a trying and worrisome experience, but one for which I am grateful.  It was a seminal lesson in navigating murk, and since then I've had zero fear of being in the water.