05-31-2020, 04:04 PM
6 years ago, before I knew about the Law of One, I was very angry because I thought I had made peace with the universe, that I had chosen light and I wouldn't have to suffer as much, and the suffering got worse. That's when a lot of my repressed negativity came out, and the mental breakdowns and institutionalizations started happening, as well as bunch of other things.
Reading about the stories of the saints and so on, it seemed like the light path glorified suffering for the purpose of forgiveness, loving the source of the suffering. When I began recovering, I questioned what it all meant, what the purpose of these lessons were in the first place, if in our original state we were all knowing and omnipotent. It seemed like a paradox that we had to go through any type of suffering or lessons at all. So to protest the insanity and lack of logic I perceived in this, I made a pact with an entity I believed to be Lucifer. I summoned it by doing the LBRP in its entirety backwards several times a day, every day, for a month. Whatever it was, it had genuine powers. There was one incident during this period where I read a woman's mind, and she confirmed that I read her exact thoughts verbatim, which I would have had no way of knowing without supernatural stimuli.
A year after that, I made pacts with Belial and Paimon. Similar supernatural occurrences happened. I have a giant upside down tree of life tattooed on my left ribcage. It symbolized my drive to become an Ipsissimus.
I'm not entirely sure what all of this means, and I am listening to what you're all saying. But it feels like the darkness follows me everywhere I go, and I really don't want to just give myself over to the positive path again, to be 'rewarded' with more suffering again. Even choosing unity makes me feel that I'm taking on all the pain of the world, especially during these times. I feel like I'm subconsciously sabotaging myself just so I can feel the same pain and weakness most people feel right now.
I appreciate what you're all saying and I'm not dismissing your contributions. These are my experiences and raw unrepressed thoughts and emotions.
Reading about the stories of the saints and so on, it seemed like the light path glorified suffering for the purpose of forgiveness, loving the source of the suffering. When I began recovering, I questioned what it all meant, what the purpose of these lessons were in the first place, if in our original state we were all knowing and omnipotent. It seemed like a paradox that we had to go through any type of suffering or lessons at all. So to protest the insanity and lack of logic I perceived in this, I made a pact with an entity I believed to be Lucifer. I summoned it by doing the LBRP in its entirety backwards several times a day, every day, for a month. Whatever it was, it had genuine powers. There was one incident during this period where I read a woman's mind, and she confirmed that I read her exact thoughts verbatim, which I would have had no way of knowing without supernatural stimuli.
A year after that, I made pacts with Belial and Paimon. Similar supernatural occurrences happened. I have a giant upside down tree of life tattooed on my left ribcage. It symbolized my drive to become an Ipsissimus.
I'm not entirely sure what all of this means, and I am listening to what you're all saying. But it feels like the darkness follows me everywhere I go, and I really don't want to just give myself over to the positive path again, to be 'rewarded' with more suffering again. Even choosing unity makes me feel that I'm taking on all the pain of the world, especially during these times. I feel like I'm subconsciously sabotaging myself just so I can feel the same pain and weakness most people feel right now.
I appreciate what you're all saying and I'm not dismissing your contributions. These are my experiences and raw unrepressed thoughts and emotions.
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