05-30-2020, 02:20 PM
Perhaps I was wrong in my post above? You may not be at the point of Choice between the + and - pathways. Your post reads as though you're caught between the analgesia of being mean spirited and the misery of reconciling an immense load of trauma. For some reason, that doesn't sound like a simple left versus right decision.
Through my eyes, you seem like a kid who's a bit too smart for his own good: good at sensing into the pain, but not so good at knowing what to do with it. My guess is that, even if your recent life experiences had not been so dramatic, your response to whatever came your way would be similar. You would have felt deeply into the pain around or within you, but not known what to do with it. (And, I might add here, even if you embrace the path of analgesia, you still won't know what to do with the mega-loads of pain you are attached to.)
My suggestion is that you step back from the supposed brink for awhile (meditate a bit longer) and study the problem more deliberately. What does/should one do with loads of pain and trauma? Simply, what does the array of the options look like? After considering that, you might feel less personal pressure and you might see some reasonable pathway through this mess. At that point, then, you can revisit the question of Choice--in other words, commitment to how you would work to tune your personal frequency. It's a pointless question when your signal so convoluted by all this noise in your system, right?