I have a dilemma

[Asolsutsesvyl]

I'd just like to add that there's an enormous difference between being full of negative emotions and polarizing negatively. 888, it sounds like your emotional side is stuck in a nightmare rooted in the past, unable to move beyond it fully. (That's just another way of saying that trauma is still deeply emotionally rooted, however.)

I'm not going to try to compare traumas (mine were largely bullying, depression, and related), but in my teens there was a time when I clung to my anger, even though I could not express it, because it was a part of me that felt like something in the way of strength and hope, something without which I would be very small inside. (After that, I went through an inner collapse in which my feelings generally became more distant from myself. It took many years and a long, complicated journey to turn that around and emerge in a better way.)

The biggest point is, I spent many years fearing that I'm somehow evil deep down, and I've been very concerned about the risk of somehow hurting others, even when there's no logical way it would happen. That's common in people who have empathy, strong negative emotions, and fear of what they view as dark inside. But there is a huge difference between boiling in your own negative emotions and dark thoughts, in private, and actively hurting people. It seems from your description that you likewise care, while dreaming darkly about yourself at the same time, instead of being a person who lives to cause harm to others.

I think flofrog's advice seems good as a way of moving past fear of your own feelings. Those extra layers, like fear of negative emotions, and fear of positive responses to negative emotions, etc., prevent really facing and accepting the underlying feelings in a calm and clear way. When you find a kind of inner balance, then I think it will begin to point you towards where you need to go, wherever that is.