I have a dilemma

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This post is going to be fairly heavy, so read this only if you feel like you can handle it.

I have really intense PTSD. This is just a handful of the memories that float through my head on a regular basis.

I grew up in a toxic and abusive home. I dealt with a lot of racism growing up. There was one time when I was a teenager where I was badly beaten by someone shouting racial slurs at me, that left me with a permanent scar above my right eye. I'm Asian-American, and a lot of the racism against Asians gets completely ignored. Now with the pandemic, it's basically normalized because people are looking for a scapegoat.

When I was 16, I got involved with a life coach / mentor-type figure who turned out to be more like a cult leader. He championed his belief of "service" to others (he came up with this himself and wasn't influenced by any of this channeled material), and he used it as an excuse to scream at his students, go over every part of their personality and why they were selfish pieces of garbage, threaten violence, et cetera. In his eyes, he was the epitome of righteousness, and everyone else was selfish, and it was his job to make them righteous like him.

Most things involving the word 'service' leave me with a strong aversion to it and a very uncomfortable feeling.

When I went to the college that this person helped me get into, that my parents wanted me to go to, and convinced me that I wanted to go to, I dropped out after the first year because it was bringing up a lot of trauma. Whenever I tried to forgive all the people I previously spoke of, it preceded mental breakdowns.

I spent 3 years in and out of mental hospitals after this. The first one I went to, I was forcibly brought in by deception, injected with substances against my will multiple times, and once I was injected with enough sedatives for someone three times my body weight, which could have left me dead. This hospital was shut down years later for being unsafe. Here's the news article about it.

https://www.boston25news.com/news/westwo...for%20good.

I've posted about this before. This is where I was at back in 2018 before the first time I left the forums to polarize negatively. I'm fully aware of the cyclical nature of this.

The first time in my life I felt some semblance of mental stability and self-worth is when I embraced my anger and pain as something desirable, something to draw power from. I stopped because part of me was afraid that negativity was false, that it would all be meaningless in the end. But there's a war between my conscious and my subconscious on many levels.

I feel much better when I'm negative. I try to forgive them, I try to forgive myself. But trying to love people I'd rather hate seems to send me on a downward spiral. I'm just scratching the surface of everything, and there's a lot more that I haven't spoken on.

Is it worth to keep the current programming? If not, how would you "convince" your brain that the upgrade is worth it?

I can't find many ways to convince myself that it's worth it to keep going positive. Part of me wants to, and the other part is very uncomfortable with the idea of virtue being its own reward. Sometimes positivity feels like embracing the dynamic of an abusive relationship as the victim, taking on a certain degree of masochism.

There are no answers that we have to give you. We can only say that you are asking the correct questions. We cannot promise you riches, fame, security or happiness. We offer you only the dust, the coarse roads of the pilgrim, the harsh sun of the desert which is often traveled while the soul is in travail and a new soul is being born within. We offer you discomfort, the discomfort of change, and as you meditate and seek to know your own deep self, seek to deepen your trust, you shall find yourself more and more uncomfortable as you change more and more. This discomfort is a divine discomfort, an excellent discomfort, an encouraging discomfort, for it means that you are in truth prepared to change. You have allowed your rigidity of belief to melt into the malleable, impressionable thought processes which are powered by the energy gained from dropping the old programs that have been to you in some way destructive.

Each of you has a different way of destroying self-esteem within the self, a different way of rationalizing. Do not condemn yourselves, pilgrims. Move to one who is in pastoral relationship with you and speak your thoughts freely, for you are the Creator speaking to the Creator, and you must needs find entities whom you may trust to that extent, else you shall be alone and confused in the outer world. But when you have expressed yourself and have been heard, then it is time to carry on that which you have begun, the infinite processes of change and transformation.

You will always be on the way, you will never see the face of the one infinite Creator, for could you but see it, it would appear only as light, a light that would blind you. You are not ready for an unbiased look at the infinite One which broods over the universe and gazes upon Itself with a love so compassionate and so complete that there is no end to the loving you are receiving at this very moment, not simply from us, messengers of the Law of One, but from the Creator Itself, whose love sparkles in the air that you breathe, comes through the soles of your feet as you touch the earth, moves through the body enlivening, refreshing, restoring.

https://www.llresearch.org/transcripts/i..._0401.aspx

Some people might see beauty in this quote. I feel despair. Sometimes I worry that this is just an endless loop, that to unify with the universe and infinity is to just give myself up to enter another cycle, in another universe, where I would have to go through more suffering to progress by forgiving others. I don't want that.

I haven't made the choice yet. I'm going to meditate on it for a while.