I have a dilemma

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I'm really not well at all right now, and I felt more stable and functional when I was polarizing negatively.

If you're versed in astrology, I have Lilith in my 12th house (a strong draw towards seductive energies and a strong desire to use them, a predisposition to dark thoughts. This is often considered to be the most unfortunate placement of Lilith) and Pluto conjunct my north node in Scorpio (my life path heavily revolves around power, transformation, and destruction as renewal).

There's a lot of trauma I have, and often when I think I've forgiven people and am ready to move on, I begin feeling the trauma again and anger about it. It felt more natural for me to see this anger and pain as fuel I could draw energy and power from to keep going, rather than something I had to ultimately turn into love, which makes me feel like more of a doormat than anything.

The culture of this generation (I'm in my 20's) also has a strong negative influence, and I feel far more isolated when I feel wrong in expressing negative emotions or sentiments, which are common among most social circles I find.