What if I am further down on the STS-path?/need help

[ada]

I also think that your honesty and the willingness to become vulnerable and share with others is a positive trait.

I'm sorry that you struggle and have a difficult environment, I don't know how it's like with mental illness.
But if I may also offer, to seek help and opinion from others. Just to be listened to and not go through alone, even talking here right now is a form of help I think.
But if your mental issues are a real problem right now you could possibly seek medication for now, I don't really understand much about it.
I don't know what kind of things may be telling you who and what you are but it certainly isn't that simple or conclusive, else it wouldn't be called a mystery.
So then find and practice on grounding yourself in yourself, the simple third density person that you are like everyone else.
You going through these hardships and obstacles is a direct help to the collective whole to understand, and to not be afraid to walk through darknees and unknowing.
Whatever choice you choose is your choice, don't let thoughts of the past or the what could be "missed" to hold you back from walking your own path, you are your own creator.
Remember that even the higher-self only observes and does not steer and just like other guides that only await for the right and appropriate type of service.
Stay strong and cling faith that all is truly well.