What if I am further down on the STS-path?/need help

[kristina]

Hey there,
for the past year I've really been trying to figure out who I really am.
I thought about it a lot and tried to reflect and so  I've come here to ask for help figuring this out.

Here Ra says:
19.15 ▶ Questioner: Then the newest third-density beings who’ve just made the transition from second are still strongly biased towards self-service. There must be many other mechanisms to create an awareness of the possibility of service to others.

I am wondering, first— two things. I’m wondering about the mechanism and I am wondering when the split takes place where the entity is able to continue on the road towards service to self that will eventually take him to fourth or fifth density.

I would assume that an entity can continue— can start, say, in second density with service totally to self and continue right on through and just stay on what we would call the path of service to self and never ever be pulled over. Is this correct?

Ra: I am Ra. This is incorrect. The second-density concept of serving self includes the serving of those associated with tribe or pack. This is not seen in second density as separation of self and other-self. All is seen as self since in some forms of second-density entities, if the tribe or pack becomes weakened, so does the entity within the tribe or pack.

The new or initial third-density entity has this innocent, shall we say, bias or distortion towards viewing those in the family, the society, as you would call, perhaps, country, as self. Thus though a distortion not helpful for progress in third density, it is without polarity.

The break becomes apparent when the entity perceives other-selves as other-selves and consciously determines to manipulate other-selves for the benefit of the self. This is the beginning of the road of which you speak.

19.16 ▶ Questioner: Then, through free will, some time in the third-density experience, the path splits and an entity consciously— probably does not consciously choose. Does an entity consciously choose this path at the initial splitting point?

Ra: I am Ra. We speak in generalities which is dangerous for always inaccurate. However, we realize you look for the overview; so we will eliminate anomalies and speak of majorities.

The majority of third-density beings is far along the chosen path before realization of that path is conscious.

So if after the second or third incarnation the decision has been made how does one find out where one is?

I'm just going to add something here about myself.
My whole life I've been the good guy and people still hate me. I always tried to do the right thing and I never tried to intentionally harm anyone. And yet I always lost. Always. Here I am broken and shattered. I'm a shadow of my former self and the world and it's people took everything from me. I do everything for people but get nothing back.
I've always been the outcast, the weirdo etc....I got rejected by society and I also had a childhood trauma and some other stuff and that pretty much left me to become a destroyed person I guess.
Trough all of that I became very sad and depressed but troughout the years the anger and the hatred started to built up and no matter what I do nothing changes. My life doesn't get any better. I'm still trapped with the people that have used and abused me for years and I can't get out. I don't have anyone or anything. No real friends, no nothing.
I try to meditate but can you imagine what that's like in an environment like this with mental illness?
I guess now you can draw a line from my other posts.
Then I read this from the LawofOne:
54.22 ▶ Questioner: Would a negatively oriented entity do anything like this? Could you give me an example?

Ra: I am Ra. A negatively oriented individual mind/body/spirit complex will ordinarily program for wealth, ease of existence, and the utmost opportunity for power. Thus many negative entities burst with the physical complex distortion you call health.

However, a negatively oriented entity may choose a painful condition in order to improve the distortion toward the so-called negative emotive mentations such as anger, hatred, and frustration. Such an entity may use an entire incarnative experience honing a blunt edge of hatred or anger so that it may polarize more towards the negative or separated pole.

This resonated with me.  Honestly I find more purpose and reason to be STS than STO but I haven't gone down that path because I am afraid. Afraid of pain and suffering. I read about the conditions in 4D STS-Society and they seem horrible.  
I don't want to suffer. I do want to polarize towards the positive pole but I keep having dreams about being STS. In my dreams beings visit me and they tell me I'm STS and that my destiny is already set. One of them even said that even if I tried to become STO that I could do that but it wouldn't change anything. He said I would simply stall the inevitable. Then he showed me how I've been in a bond with them ever since I was a child and that I won't get rid of it in this life except if I die.
I think I should mention that as a young kid I prayed to God asking for magical powers. I did that every single day for months, some days I did it close to an hour. Just sitting there and desperatly praying for magical powers...
Maybe it was that action that unintentionally gave these entities access to my life. I've had strange things happen in my life and sometimes they say I can punish other people for doing me wrong. They even showed me a couple of times in real life that is. They also gave me possible visions of the future and all the other kinds of temptations... I've even been to the void a couple of times..
I'm lost here and I've been stuck in this unending nightmare for years. I keep trying to change things and it won't work. So that's why I thought about intentionally calling these entities and seeing what they have to offer...so far I've been able to not do it.
I did ask my higher self to help me and I do get warnings if an psychic/hyperdimensional attack is coming. I can see them coming but honestly most of the time I can't do anything about it because I am so weak and nobody is here to help me.

I do resonate with the philosophy of STS a lot. I've been in the dark for so long that the light has been nothing but blinding me. But at the same time I can't help but think that somehow I must make use of this catalyst to further polarize towards STO. But what good does that do without my chakras being balanced? I've been trying to meditate for years now and the reasons why it won't work is because of the tremendous stress my environment and my mental illness are causing me. Maybe it's time to try something different and see how it goes?

I think it's safe to say that they exercise a lot of control in my life and they are trying to back me into a corner. Should I just give up and let go? Sometimes I think it's the better option.
I don't know what good it would do to go to the afterlife only to be dissapointed in the life that I lived. Just imagine. Me, the loser coming up. Yay so much suffering endured. For what?  Mentally I'm completely destroyed. My chakras are out of balance and I can't see a way out other than that. I could just go on like this but I can't be miserable anymore. I simply can't. I'm too weak and tired for that.

I'm hoping someone here can give me good advice.

Ra: I am Ra. A negatively oriented individual mind/body/spirit complex will ordinarily program for wealth, ease of existence, and the utmost opportunity for power. Thus many negative entities burst with the physical complex distortion you call health.

However, a negatively oriented entity may choose a painful condition in order to improve the distortion toward the so-called negative emotive mentations such as anger, hatred, and frustration. Such an entity may use an entire incarnative experience honing a blunt edge of hatred or anger so that it may polarize more towards the negative or separated pole.

Are you using this incarnative experience to hone a blunt edge of hatred or anger?
These are the questions I feel are very important IMPO. Part of (a part of the whole), is to know yourself and to be able to ask yourself questions that can be answered. The true self will over speak those who you feel are trying to coherse you into thinking that you could be different than you are truly at the core of your heart.
Futhermore, those of us who are polarizing as STO, are often not liked, ridiculed and singled out. It can be a lonely life but does not have to be. We are a product of our mind. If we think we are lonely, we create an environment of lonliness. And how does one not manifest it's fears outside of itself? Meditation does help but is not the end all. You can try walking in nature or try affirmations to oneself in the mirror. If you are with some type of mental illness you must consider, if your are being treated by a physician, are your medications properly adjusted?
If it is any help, we all experience negative emotions at one point in our journey. This does not mean that we are polarizing negative. Now, to experience negative emotions and acting out revenge or hateful acts may mean something else. If you "enjoy" hating others, hurting others and watching people suffer, it may mean something else. I think our polarization is a personal process and only we know who we are besides The Creator because you are in union with The Creator whether it is that you can realize this or not. And all will be reconciled within the mid 6th density so you will have the opportunity once again to learn the ways of union with The One, with the Whole despite how you choose now in the 3rd density. It sounds like to me you are wondering who you really are at the heart. I would suggest at this time to exercise a type of loving kindness to yourself and give yourself room to contemplate all things and do not place judgements on any of your contemplations. I am polarizing STO, so I cannot begin to offer suggestions for a STS polarizing individual would go about furthering his/her path. It's impossible to say.
Best to you