Trying to love the present.

[Susie]

Loving the present doesn't mean you have to resign yourself to whatever the present has you trapped in. You don't have to change being who you are at all–a forward thinking, future-minded person–sometimes loving the present means being strong enough to decide to make changes so that your trajectory gets you to where you want to be. Look where you want to be going, absolutely!

Like, it's okay to think, well, in the present I'm lonely, and that sucks, what can I do about it. You don't have to exclusively fantasize about positive things and think positively about your now to live in the present. I guess some of the trick is to not just fantasize but also take steps to actualize. I found out there's a local UFO group that meets monthly so I'm going to go. (shrug)

Part of being here means being in the pain when it happens too, and forcing your way through it. It's important for you to survive, to endure, to make it through.

I hope you find yourself a friend IRL. I think that would help.

Yeah, finding a close friend WOULD help. But I don't have any relationships that I feel are really close ATM. Not even with old friends from HS, who I barely see anyway. I am suffering hard from the loss of my online friend, who I developed a really close connection with, had a lot in common with and talked to every day. I want to move on, but it's so hard to move forward.

My problem is I spend all my time fantasizing about the future instead of doing anything to actualize it, and I CAN'T enjoy the present moment. I just end up feeling pain. I'm so tired of this. I'm really trying. I am. I wish I had what I took for granted and lost, but I can't get it back, and now I feel like I'm left wounded and broken and alone, and I wish I had just one close friendship. But I don't. And I have to learn how to love the moment without one. Because otherwise I'm just in hell. I'm tired of this. I wish my luck would change.