Deciding to connect with my higher self

[EvolvingPhoenix]

So I was going for a meditation walk today. And while I was trying not to think, I couldn't help but find myself thinking. And I was thinking about how no matter what I do, nothing will ever be enough for me and I won't be happy. Nothing I could become will make me happy. Nothing I could accomplish. None of it, because for the ego, it's never enough. Every time I concern myself with the ambitions of my ego, I just end up suffering. Every time I think about the things my ego wanted me to accomplish that I failed at, I suffer. As long as I serve my ego, I suffer. So if nothing I could accomplish could be enough, and nothing I could be could be enough, as long as it's in service of my ego, what could I possibly become that would fulfill me and be enough? I also thought about how I've been a crappy friend to a lot of people, and how with some of them, I'll probably never get another chance to prove I've changed, but if I could prove I've changed to them, what version of myself would I want to have changed into?

And At some point in the walk, it dawned on me that only by embodying my higher self will I be happy with who I am. If I could somehow figure out what my higher self would do with my life and do that, all the pain and suffering I've been through will have been worth it, because that's the version of me I can be happy with becoming, and if it took all that suffering to get to that point, I guess it will have been worth it.

Problem is, I don't have a good connection with my higher self, so I don't really know how to embody my higher self. But I've got some tools available to develop a connection. I've got my meditation walk and I've got a special mantra. I know it's a lifelong endeavor, but the closer I get the more happy with myself I'll become. I've got to develop a connection.Aside from my meditation walk, regular meditation and my special mantra, I intend to collect more tools to employ.

If anybody has any good tips or tools that you would suggest, I'd be interested to hear. But otherwise, I've got the tools I've got and I suppose that's enough for now. Truth is, I've been slacking spiritually until recently. And I've been suffering with a sense of worthlessness. That's what my mind has been on lately. Feeling worthless and like a loser. I need some way out, and so far, I've determined that developing a connection with my higher self and doing my best to embody it is the only real way out. Problem is, how do I tell when it's really what my higher self wants and not the ego? The ego is tricky after all. I guess only by developing a good connection will I know. It'll take a while, but at least I have some sort of answer to my problem, as vague as it is. It's not that I've got a star pointing north, so much as it is that I now know to head north. Still gonna need to develop that internal compass because so far, I've been following all the wrong things. But at least I know I've got to develop it. Life just might get better from here, as low as I am right now.

I know my higher self would forgive everybody who ever wronged me, so they're all forgiven. Apart from that, I guess only time will tell where my higher self leads me to...