Giving love to the self

[Tae]

what exactly is happening when you talk to yourself and  can switch between the talker and the listener?  As if there were two selves.

Only very recently I'm being introduced to these seemingly strange thoughts about the self.

Oh, I thought everyone did that. Maybe I am crazy. I consider it tapping into the creative collective when I'm doing it to improv. I can, and do, run simulations in my mind to have conversations with my characters where I'm not prompting them, and I can do this with myself too. I've learned to isolate feelings me versus body me and spirit me and while they're all within me, I recognize they come from different places within, and their voices are different.

I learned to do this with speed fiction writing challenges. I was a sickly child and it was the only sport in which I could really compete. To be able to write fiction as fast as you can type, you must be able to enter a Flow. Entering the Flow was how I described it, creating a circuit between my fingers and my brain where I did not pause to consider my thoughts, but simply placed them onto the keyboard. Sounds familiar, right–channeling of a sort. In order to do it, you have to be able to shut your rational brain up and only transfer what you receive into your fingers–or into your mouth, if you do verbal improv. They say the trick is to go "yes, and". You embrace what you receive with love as the right message and just go with it, always saying and, not but. I kind of wonder now if the other people who were close to my speeds ever ended up channeling something unexpected along the way.

Ironically it has been helpful in my pursuit of Oneness to entertain these divisions in my Self to let them chat it out. Because now I can step back into Higher Me (high me? Hi me!) and look at the Body Me which is having a rough time of things and see the creator, experiencing, and remind theirselves that they would look at at other person and their heart would go out and envelope them in love, so why not this one too? Service to Others in fact includes Loving Yourself. It is one of the last ditch traps used to get us off course, I believe–if we cannot be tempted by the shinies, we can be tempted by the whispers of "worthless, pathetic". You can smile back at those feelings and say, "I know that's not true, thank you for helping me understand myself better, I love you for being brave enough to experience and consider these thoughts." Well–that's not "Service to Self". I feel like some of the trick is to give the same kind of selfless love to everyone, including yourself, not reserving a special level of ego-based self-serving interest around yourself. Getting this balance of do onto others but also do onto yourself as you would do to others. Because if I treated others like I did when I was at the worst of my depression, I'd have been a monster! I wasn't though; i was instead known as a very nice person. For me some of the necessary journey to polarize into service to others was in fact learning to love myself, because it was not until I could see what others saw in me, that I could polish and improve and redirect that force of love with effective precision.

I've only just gotten there yet. It's been a process. I suppose this is a bit of a discombobulated mess, but eh, maybe it'll contain some pearls of wisdom, just like those speed-writing challenges contained surprisingly great nuggets of creative writing. Cheers.