I'm so depressed

[Glow]

I don't think any of the "energy" I have felt is really what it seems.
It could just be a side effect of my high blood pressure.
I'm not taking medication for it though.
The "captivation" that I have felt might just be psychosomatic.
It seems when I try to help people energetically, it does nothing.
One time I did send Reiki energy to a woman's dog, and she said that he stopped whining after that.
That was years ago.
I almost wish that I could start my life over.
I wouldn't have hurt the kids when I was a child.
I wouldn't have done drugs.
I wouldn't have schizophrenia.
I wouldn't have blown my $70k of my 401k.
I wouldn't have ended up in $20k in credit card debt.
I would be working a normal job, not being too sick in the head to work.
I wouldn't be attracting people who don't care for me.

I just want enough of energy to help with the physical pains of my body of growing old.
I'm 41, but I feel like I'm 80. And I'm sad, so sad.

The love I felt before wasn't genuine, because it did not last.
Oh, if I could only start over.
Though I probably wouldn't find the Ra material.
But at least that would have saved me a lot of heartache.
I waste money and energy.
I know nobody's perfect.

But I'm like a kid who doesn't grow up.

Guess what. You are at the mid life point. I think we all go through this a bit.
We teeter off on the negative thoughts of how life went, what we would have preferred, and while some thoughts are true we tend to also throw the baby out with the bath water. It wasn't all in your head the love, and plus side you are only half way through so you really have enough time now to do what you can to bring your path closer to what you want.

Pain wise is it physical actual issues or more due to being sedentary? Motion is lotion so even a bit of gentle exercise can slowly reduce the pain in the body. As muscles build they support joints, and connective tissue, endorphins are also released. Healthier diet reduces body inflammation. Also being a bit more grounded in the body helps the mental state for sure.

Not everything can be changed but is it possible just going through the motions of physically living a healthier life for your vehicle/body could help some with your other issues?

I am sorry you are feeling so low. If it helps any I too am like a kid that doesn't grow up. I work but my mind isn't in sink with the word. All I see is beings I love and do not want to compete with financially or otherwise. I do not understand the worlds mine vs yours... I think you are a bit like me in that way. More predisposed toward unity and find this world pretty tricky with the beings who don't act very loving. (((hug))