Disintegration of the personality

[noahs_ark]

Hi all! Just wanting to get your thoughts on this...
What is the disintegration of the personality? What happens when this occurs, and how does this occur? I have a general idea of what this is and what it means, and even a bit about how this happens (over activation of the mind-complex), but I still feel unclear as to the details and was hoping some of you all on here could help me understand better. Every time this term comes up in a reading or thread or as it did today while listening to one of the archived "In the Now" podcasts, it always resonates with me and leaves me wondering. I have thought about posting this thread or something similar in here for a little while but I never felt it was the right thing to do until now, so here we are.

I also should mention that I fear I may have done this to myself (at least to an extent) over the last couple years. I have feared this because as of late (the past 10-12 months), I have truly not felt like myself. I struggle to even remember what it felt like to be me and to be comfortable with being me as I always was earlier in my life (I am 22 years old). I don't really feel like the same person I used to, and a lot of the time I don't really feel like I know who I am. I have really struggled to relax at all and feel genuinely at ease over the last couple years, but this was not typical of how the first ~18 years of my life went. I feel rather directionless much of the time now (should also mention that I just graduated from college in May, and it is the first time in my life that I have not had school, athletics, and a social world to occupy me... but even during the last couple years of college, I felt pretty directionless, especially during the last semester [spring 2018]). I used to feel like my life was filled with meaning and purpose, and it wasn't until somewhat recently that I realized how little meaning or purpose I felt like my life had.

I used to truly "fear" that I had disintegrated my personality, but I have gradually come to the conclusion of, "so what?" I don't mean this in a way as to insinuate that I have decided to care that this may have happened, but instead it's more like an acceptance of whatever has happened and a choosing to accept and love myself in this state and in all states regardless. It's just like "okay so this happened and i am at this point now, and there is no going back, so I guess I have to glean whatever I can from the past and then simply move forward with loving acceptance and try to calm down and kinda rebuild." I am now searching to re-build a life of meaning and purpose primarily through self-love, acceptance, forgiveness, and compassion, and also by extending those qualities to all of the entities I encounter and all the relationships in my life. This has ultimately been my goal for several years now, but I spent so much time worrying about it and in a panicked, anxiety-ridden state that I could not make any progress, and instead seemed to spiral backwards and lose my understanding/connection of who I am. I am not totally sure what it is that I have been experiencing over the last couple years, and that is at least a part of why I decided to post this.

I am not entirely sure what it is that I am searching for with this thread, perhaps just others' understandings of what happens when one disintegrates their personality or how this might happen to someone so I can compare it to my own experience. I could also detail more about my own experiences if need be, but I didn't really feel like digging much up and didn't really feel like I needed to in order to get my point across. I suppose I am also just hoping for a bit of guidance or advice, or any other thoughts, comments, questions, etc. that anyone feels compelled to share. Thank you all for taking the time to read this and for anything you might have to share-- i very much appreciate it peace love and light