Misconceptions about meditation and mindfulness?

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Thank you for your wonderful advice, Agua!

"you can openly ask for enerhy, love or whatever and people have a free choice of giving their energy when they want, plus it reaches the part in you that actually needs that energy.

open and conscious communication > no one being exploited > energy going exactly where it is needed for healing!

development steps:

become aware of your need
overcome shame
overcome being afraid of receiving no help
dare to expose yourself vulnerable
enjoy the energy people freely give to you Smile"

TBH I don't know how to do this...

I am afraid if I do, I will be... ignored? Cast out? Ridiculed? Abandoned? Hurt? Probably all of the above.

Last time I was open about this stuff, it lead to rejection on account of my "neediness" which lead to hurt which lead to ego driven acting out which lead to all of the above...

I felt/feel so ashamed of myself for it all.

I keep saying I forgive myself, but do I?

I don't like this aspect of myself. I see it as pathetic. Unworthy. After all, I was unworthy of the love I didn't get before on account of it. And I even was deemed fit for a horrible heart stabbing over it. And my friends? Their stance is "You were a whiny little b**** about it" so I don't trust my closest friends. I love them. But I don't feel I can truly open up to them. I don't feel I can look to them for the support/love/attention/whatever it is I seek.
I don't feel I can tell them this. I don't think they'll truly understand. They'll put up with my s*** and try to be compassionate, but knowing them, in the back of their minds they'll be thinking "What a whiny little b****" They just won't say anything. Not until they think I'm better and they're free to speak their true shitty feelings on the matter. Like they did last time. Maybe because they see it within themselves. And they're ashamed of the "whiny little b**** they see in themselves reflected back to them, so they disown it. And write it off.

Somebody else here said if I could turn my truth bombs on myself instead of on other people (which runs the risk of CRUSHING them) I could create a dynamo of love/

Maybe exposing myself like this is what my higher self meant when it said "sing" and maybe music WOULD be the socially appropriate way to do it...
And I could sing honestly about my vulnerabilities and just hope I get the encouragement and support I need.

I am honestly ashamed of this. Needing these things. Every time I try to imagine asking/appealing directly, old painful memories pop up...

But people have been so kind recently! I shouldn't let those old memories define my expectations in the present or the future! That's not being fair to myself! I know I can find a way to do this. I just need to take it easy and the answers will come to me.

You're right, a good psychologist should really help

Gotta have faith I'll get a good psychologist. And the meds I need.

I'm afraid... very afraid. And now I know that a big thing I'm afraid of is having to face being vulnerable and asking for just that stuff directly, knowing that people can be... well... judgmental and cruel about it. Ashamed of the need within themselves they see reflected back at them, raw and exposed. And I'm afraid to do it. I'm afraid to get hurt by the abuse of their fear. I fear their fear. I fear my own. Both the same fear. And fear of the fear. Fear of risk of being vulnerable. God, this is a negative planet... Guess that's what my healing canhelp heal, if I have the courage to heal myself first, huh?

"Love yourself first"

My arc words...