The cord is back.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I thought I had let it go. Hell, I HAD let it go.

Can anybody help me figure out why I suddenly got attached again?

How do I TRULY let this go? I know it's not an easy answer with an easy fix, but I'm really trying to figure out what's going wrong and why I can't just let this person go.

What they did was so cruel and so hurtful and I'm in such pain.

Maybe when Agua PM'd me and suggested that my current issues are just manic episodes hiding the same issues as depression, I started delving in and got re-attached to the problem.

I thought I'd forgiven this person. It feels like I can't TRULY forgive and that's so painful to have to admit as well.

I am struggling. I WANT to heal this. I want to clear this. I want to let it go. I WANT to forgive.

So why is it not that easy? Why can't I just FORGIVE and let it go?

When I did last time, it was like...

There was a psychic thing where I came face to face with the karmic situation.

I realized that this was a cycle I needed to get out of and just let it go. Now I took it back up again. WHY?

Because my ego came back after I stopped smoking weed, so that I'd be safe from the paranoid delusions?

I feel trapped here, because I feel like I can't heal this in 3D without the use of drugs.

I don't trust a psychologist and actually agree with my healer that they just make things worse.

But I'm tired of being told "We give you advice and you never take it" so I'm doing EVERYTHING you guys tell me as best I can.

I meditate, and I suck at it. Doesn't mean I don't do it. It just means I SUCK AT IT and can't stay focused no matter how much I try to redirect it.

I JUST finished psyche evaluations today and apparently my issue was enough to test me for PTSD.

When I told them about the friend-dumping they couldn't take that seriously enough to give it the same label as a disorder reserved for war vets and rape victims, but I think they may have been onto something.

I am now being recommended to a psychologist who, as I recommended focuses PRIMARILY on these types of issues and being deferred by my request to a holistic psychiatrist so I can get one who doesn't just push whatever pills on me they're being payed to pimp. I still recommended they put me on anti-psychotics though. I have begun lifting weights and am doing my best to eat more.

I know there are other things I ought to do, but I've been told that listing more than that as a goal is "unrealistic" so what the hell else can I do?

I AM meditating, I AM getting help, and I AM going on anti-psychotics. I am doing as much of what you people have told me to do as I am being told I can realistically expect from myself so what else can I possibly do?!

And I HAVE quit the marijuana usage. And the subliminals, although I am now considering that may have been a mistake.

The subliminals and weed HELPED with this, up until the paranoia happened. I'm thinking maybe I SHOULD go back on the subs and just quit the weed, while cutting down on the sub usage.

If you guys have any ideas on how to get rid of this cord and forgive this person, that would be great.

I know forgiveness does it, but it's a harder thing for me to do than I thought.

If it was as easy as "just forgive" it would be done with by now.

Forgiveness is hard and I am struggling with it.