Understanding free will

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I'm just confused about freewill because I have relived this incarnation multiple times and seemingly am doing something "wrong".

It feels as though I'm in eternal hell, my highself decides to retry after every failed attempts. I find myself second guessing things I do and yet everything down to you reading this is the same. I'm left to just live out my life and follow my intuition, yet it brings me back to this post everytime.

How can I not question the validity of freewill when my life is a sign of none. I feel as though I'm endlessly trapped no matter what I do.

When the Orion group interfered with Jesus and led him to preach about an eternal hell, did Jesus create eternal hell here on Earth?

From what you describe, I get the feeling , that you have had an experience that seriously questioned your free will.
I suspect there was a traumatic experience that completely violated your borders and was a serious threat to your life or even your very existence.
I can relate to that, I am (un)fortunately very familiar with it.

Given the case my intuition is correct, this would be a "life theme" which has a biographical part but also a deeper "theme" you brought into this life in order to make a significant step in your "home vibration" (speculating you are a wanderer).

It would be, in that case, very likely that this is not your first attempt to solve this. Thats where a part of that dejá vu could come from.
Additionally, you are probably not yet in a position where you can heal or solve this.
And, as long as this is not solved, you will probably have massive doubts concerning free will.

Also, the fact you are concerned so much with "being alone" would strongly indicate that the root is a traumatic situation.
Outside 3rd Density, we experience a degree of connectedness (which is the deeper truth anyway) that renders the idea of being "alone" pretty much ridicoulous.
The creator does not feel alone, nor does anybody outside 3rd Density feel alone (at least not on the STO path).


I would add, and this goes also @JJCarsonian:

It is important, especially in a discussion regarding free will, to apply dicernment in regards to
"You are the creator".
While this is, deep down, the ultimate truth, it is, in our daily life the opposite of the truth we live.
We are the creator deep down, and this is our potential.
HOWEVER, in fact, regarding our daily life, we are NOT the creator!

We might have a concept of the creator and we might have a concept of us being the creator, but a concept is not the real thing.

And not being able to discern, in that case, between the creator and our seperated identities would be a high degree of delusion

In a discussion about free will, this should be even more seriously adressed.
If I may use an analogy, admittedly a very weak one:

Imagine yourself,as you live in your body. Now imagine, you are trying to "create" a seperate independant entity out of your body.
For example your right arm.
You would try to develop some kind of independant perceiption and self perceiption in your arm.
Your most powerful tool would be (if that would be possible at all) to grant your arm free will!

This would be the crucial step in "developing" individuality.
As soon as your arm has free will, it can start to develop on its own, seemingly independant and un-influenced by you.
As soon as you take away free will, individuality of your arm would collapse and cease to exist!

This is probably why higher density beings put so much emphasis on free will, since the end of free will would render individuality and also the whole creation non-existent!

So, actually your free will is the very thing that gives you individuality, and as long as you have free will, you are NOT the creator.
As soon as you surrender your free will completely to God´s will, you ARE the creator.
In my opinion, this understanding is crucial for spiritual progress.

Ultimately free will is an illussion and at the same time the deepest truth about you.
The creator gave you free will, the creator is the ONLY one who could take it away from you, but the Creator would NEVER do this, because then the whole idea of creation would become obsolete.
In the end, this is what duality really means, the paradoxical contradiction between existence and non-existence, between oneness and individuality.
It is absolutely impossible to understand this, but it is possible to experience it. After that experience it will be understood on the deepest level.

Tied to this in a way is the understanding of "eternity". When viewed intellectually, many people imagine an infinite long period of time.
This is almost completely wrong.
Actually it can be neither understood nor be described by the intellect, since the intellect relies on time and separation.
If you make experiences of that kind, deeper spiritual experiences I mean, one would rather describe it as a complete absence of time.
There is only "NOW", only the present moment.

The reason for bringing the "time aspect" up is, the more you enter the "NOW", the more you become present, the more of your (false) identity dissolves, so these subjects are related.
(understanding this can be of great help in meditation!)
The more you enter the "NOW", the closer you get to your "atman" your real, timeless and infinite self. taken to the extreme, even the "atman" dissolves and you experience "brahman", the creator, the timeless not-individualized self.
You might remember this is what seventh density work is about.

So, in conclusion, taking all of that together, the "higher" aspect of having such a life theme might well be helping a 6D wanderer in progressing to 7th density.
Be prepared for some fun

I would end with saying, you would not have whatever life theme you have, if you would not have the potential to solve it!
I strongly recommend building as much ressources as possible and favor spiritual practice over spiritual theory.
You will need everything you can get if you want to get through this!

This helped a lot, but I struggle to apply it to my unique situation.

You are exactly right about having a traumatic event as a kid. (I dont remember the event yet because I buried it really deep) but I do remember hitting my arm thinking am I actually doing this or was it already predestined. That's when my mom told me what freewill was and that Jesus said we have it. That answer didn't settle with me because I remember laying in bed crying because it just didn't make sense.

Now a days I struggle to believe in freewill because I know that I keep repeating this incarnation and everything goes exactly the same way. All the points of deja vu, but it's actually more than that. It's the life path i'm living and every event that happens around me is exactly the same.

Now comes the part where it gets tricky, I can't focus on directing my thoughts or becoming thoughtless (silent meditation).
I can't eat out (strict diet). I can't watch tv or any videos. I can't masturbate. (same as weed but less of an affect) I can't smoke weed. (weed brings me to the present where my mind takes me through the veil, but as I haven't learned my lesson yet i repeat) All i can really do is sit with myself in silence and try to interpret my dreams. (I do stock shelves for 4 hours a day which is pretty demanding since im 6"3 and weigh 140 pounds, but doesn't upset my lower abdomen.

I find anything that uses my abdomen starts to stress it, and the amount of things that use the abdomen is quite surprising.
I do have crohns in the very lowest left and right of my abdomen and am in recession with strict dieting and "relaxing".

And the most tricky part is, the less distorted my mind becomes, the more easily my abdomen is stressed.
But I think I kind of know my path as I had a dream about 2 weeks back that I overcame a magnetic force with my mind and head (they both charged up to 100%, my heart taking longer than my mind). The magnetic force blasted me, but it beamed light that made it vanish. After that some being appeared and told me to go out more and love others.

When I talk about dreams, these aren't normal dreams. I'm aware im about to enter the astral plane because I feel an energy pushing or pulling me and all i have to do is feel/ride it.

About a week ago I was brought into the bedroom my brother slept in at my grandmas old house, right away i sensed fear. There was a guy standing on the bed doing "magic" he was moving white energy around and a big red dragon came out of no where. I ran down the stairs, out the front door and locked the door behind me. (when i was young I used to be very afraid of the dark, I would run and shut the door behind me)

3 days ago I had a dream where I became aware where i was sleeping and there was a screen infront of me.
On the screen there were 3 options: continue, stop, and cancel.
As I was looking at it a scary face popped up and then the screen reappeared
I couldn't decide because i didnt know what it meant. (i felt as though if I made the wrong choice I would restart my path again)
The scary face popped up again and the my attention went to the hallway outside.
There was a little boy and a little girl who walked straight off the balcony and kept walking through the air.

I was scared shitless as i figured they were ghosts. I somehow got the girls attention as the boy walked off through the inside wall to the oustide of my house.
The girl walked slowly towards me and i to hear and i felt her arms, while holding her back. We chatted for a second and she told me she could take me anywhere I wanted to go. She cute out a part of my railing and was floating on a tricycle which she wanted me to get on.

I wouldn't get on it as I still felt that if I did I would restart this path again. So she said she would see me again and I woke up.

And last dream, I woke up in my moms bathroom to find a guy standing there who I chatted with and don't remember what he said.

In my position now, I feel as though I might be at the point of the first dream where my mind is 100%, but my body isn't.
I think that If I do something wrong I will repeat the cycle.
And the only thing I can do I go out a feel me.

Any thoughts?

By the way, I thought your post was extraordinary and it calmed me down.