03-22-2018, 11:40 AM
(This post was last modified: 03-22-2018, 11:51 AM by rva_jeremy.)
First of all, Peregrine, bravo. You are on point!
Xatu, feeling trapped is often, in my experience, borne of the desire to escape circumstances that teach. What is trapping is not the circumstances but instead our thinking about those circumstances, especially what we are willing to accept and what we refuse to accept. If you refuse to accept your partner as he or she is, then of course this lack of acceptance will manifest itself as a problem for your to fix rather than a lesson to learn.
There's a balance, of course, because lessons are ideally not supposed to last indefinitely. I can't imagine why leaving this person is such a non-starter, but I'll accept that for you it is not an option you can accept. Just realize, then, that learning patience is tough and it's not supposed to feel "good". It's more about finding balance between your own needs and that of the other.
Here's a good exercise: imagine yourself in your partner's shoes. Try to mentally be in the place he or she is. How do you feel? What are your priorities, your desires? What would you need to hear or see or experience that maybe wouldn't correct the situation perfectly but would at least allow for better communication?
This kind of exercise can help you with the feeling of being trapped because you can play as the other character, starting to see a broader perspective than merely your own. And ultimately if we are STO, we are STO (IMHO) as a function of our ability to transcend individual identity, to put on a wider identity that sees others as selves to be served, others as an expanded version of ourselves. Such folks as your partner can be transformed from liabilities into opportunities merely by changing how you think about yourself, the otherself, and the situation.
I say these things always worried that I'm coming off too flippantly. These are not easy things to do, and I have a doctorate in avoidance so I know what it is I'm asking.
Xatu, feeling trapped is often, in my experience, borne of the desire to escape circumstances that teach. What is trapping is not the circumstances but instead our thinking about those circumstances, especially what we are willing to accept and what we refuse to accept. If you refuse to accept your partner as he or she is, then of course this lack of acceptance will manifest itself as a problem for your to fix rather than a lesson to learn.
There's a balance, of course, because lessons are ideally not supposed to last indefinitely. I can't imagine why leaving this person is such a non-starter, but I'll accept that for you it is not an option you can accept. Just realize, then, that learning patience is tough and it's not supposed to feel "good". It's more about finding balance between your own needs and that of the other.
Here's a good exercise: imagine yourself in your partner's shoes. Try to mentally be in the place he or she is. How do you feel? What are your priorities, your desires? What would you need to hear or see or experience that maybe wouldn't correct the situation perfectly but would at least allow for better communication?
This kind of exercise can help you with the feeling of being trapped because you can play as the other character, starting to see a broader perspective than merely your own. And ultimately if we are STO, we are STO (IMHO) as a function of our ability to transcend individual identity, to put on a wider identity that sees others as selves to be served, others as an expanded version of ourselves. Such folks as your partner can be transformed from liabilities into opportunities merely by changing how you think about yourself, the otherself, and the situation.
I say these things always worried that I'm coming off too flippantly. These are not easy things to do, and I have a doctorate in avoidance so I know what it is I'm asking.