Help in understanding myself and where I should start

[Sacred Fool]

Honestly I don't want to post this but I feel I have to start opening up somewhere to better myself.

Hi there, sb.  My suggestion is that you look up things like "polarity" and "will' on the lawofone.info site to get a sense what these things are.  It seems to me that it would benefit you to look into yourself deeply to understand what you inherently are committed to.  You feel like a cork bobbing on the waves.  You need to feel your own submerged inclination to serve so that this can offer you some sense of direction, in my view.