Vent (Trigger warning)

[Ra1111]

I'm going to try to get on meds and give life one last shot.

If that doesn't work, I'm making arrangements to join a Buddhist monastery. I think it's a good alternative to suicide.

That sounds extraordinary! The complete shift in consciousness that you've just made, holy ****!

I still feel fucking horrible to be honest.

This morning something else went wrong. I've been contemplating a plan to lift me out of poverty for weeks, and it failed. Instead of deciding to kill myself, I waited for the panic attack to subside and called some monasteries for information on becoming a monastic.

I have an assessment to try to get meds despite being uninsured tomorrow. So I'm going to at least try that before leaving the world everyone else is in.

But I still feel total bitterness and regret.

Meds, monk, or suicide?
They are all ultimatums it seems you are laying out for us to see that you’ve made for your self. Obviously, none of us here want you to commit suicide. Most here will likely lean towards meds for you, myself I feel the monk option is the least harmful of the three for you, but I only know you based on words on a forum.

That said, backing your self into a corner , “it’s this or suicide” or “All of my happiness and sanity eggs are in the ‘get out of poverty’ basket” is not an example of wise thinking. Remember , you are not in control of most of life’s circumstances, but you ARE required to react to them. We are all trying to learn that we are just learning here....