01-17-2018, 04:53 AM
Friend, you sound like me 
Two days ago I realized something huge that had me irritable, I wasn't even consciously aware of this realization right away either but then it struck me.
I've been psychologically abused much earlier than I knew. It was why everyone thought I was gay, why everyone I ever befriended stopped being my friend, why I clung to people for attention because no one gave me any good positive attention.
I realized my parents ruined me as a child. And I was pissed. But I was just done with it too, done caring so damn much because all my hatred and anger was only destroying myself, each murder fantasy a pickaxe swing against my happiness.
777, I have to remind myself daily, sometimes hourly, sometimes every 5 minutes, and sometimes every second constantly, that all this abuse is to build me a certain way, to shape me to struggle out of that shape, to regain...Myself and not the me forced upon me...
I have felt the divine was in many ways uninformed, in some crazy way, as to it's level of... Inconsiderate acts upon us Humans. Arguably it's our soul's that don't seem to feel the same way our humanity does. An irony since humanity can't be without the soul.
I don't want you to go through what I did, suicide repetitions. There will be 3D planets for a looooong time, and suiciding through them indefinitely sounds like my own hell I experienced.
So imagine my perspective. I've taken a walk through hell, I've suffered there, I don't want to go back, but now here's a friend, walking the same path I did. I told others here in this moment I won't just let you wreck yourself. I'm however unable to stop you so all I can do is try to curve you away.
777, whatever is happening, whoever has hurt you, it all happened, and it is done. We must come to accept that those things have happened. I like to think you're much much stronger than you believe of yourself, that all of this is some strange icing on a cake, and that you've been holding onto that cake instead of enjoying it, because you don't want to get rid of it.
Isn't it weird, how good it feels to suffer? How much easier it is to resign in defeat than wrestle with that suffering?
... I want you to know, I want you to seek forgiveness. You are helping me face exactly what you are facing... And if you went away, well, I'd feel defeated... I don't want these horrible things to consume anyone, myself or you...
I see now as I try to tell you what I'd want to hear that you should consider this: Forgive, not for your abusers, but for yourself.
In forgiveness you release yourself from the grip of the memories of the abuse and violation, their pain may not subside but their hold does, and that lets you be still, because then nothing is shaking you about holding your attention. In that stillness, I call it To Be A Rock And Not To Roll.
You are an intrinsic beautiful part of the portrait of Earth, but does your image show the pain of Earth or the pleasure? Is there a Rock in a landscape? Is it sitting still as one with it's environment, so perfectly picturesque, or is it tumbling, a threat to someone's safety?
Your image in the Earth landscape doesn't need to be one of you tumbling. You've focused so much on that tumble. Please know each fall hurts, a lot, but the pain will go away, you will heal. It's horrible to say this but I'd have needed to hear it myself.
Endure the pain, and it will go away or at the least become easier to handle. Please don't give up, I know that it seems futile, pointless, hopeless, but it's not, it's truly not. All of those violations and abuses created you, and you're not worth hating, you're not hateful. You're hurt, and all of your feelings are important and not just tossed aside after a cold examination, rather they are informing you even if vividly overimpacting you with hurt, they tell you, there's something to find forgiveness for, there's something to find self compassion because of, and there's more to you than your failures and falls.
But truthfully, if you do go, just know I will forgive you. And be happy for you, because you'll have done your life as best you could, even if you don't think so, and that is the most beautiful thing of all, was you dare tried. That is all it takes to do anything, and it's what's important, not any failures or sufferings, but your love to face them, and your sensitivity to turn away when it becomes too much.
There is nothing wrong with everything you've done.
So, just remember how important it is that you find forgiveness of others for yourself.
I tell myself my parents were abused and they've merely continued the cycle, the juicy details (of misery...) are what help me to realize that cycle and attenpt to be more than what they've turned me into, a monster just like them.
Truthfully I'm better than a monster, I'm just going through my own lessons.
You're the same, I could reiterate abstractly, rationally, factually, metaphorically, but no matter what, you are beautiful and I wouldn't judge you for anything you might do to yourself. I will merely offer comfort as best I can and hope you've found the peace that you could not find in life.
Love you
We're all bozos on the bus, freaks on this marble. Don't beat yourself up so hard, don't let others get to you so deeply, you matter more than anyone on this veiled planet might know (besides your mother anyways), so don't give up in belief you don't matter.
I hope your stroke of misfortunes is postponed by your soul, so that you'll have time to heal, reassess, and face further misfortune with a giant smack to their face then a baffling hug of forgiveness for them.
Don't forget to be a rock and not to roll, let the storm pass over you, rather than drag you along with it.
I'll gladly speak more to try and help.
Two days ago I realized something huge that had me irritable, I wasn't even consciously aware of this realization right away either but then it struck me.
I've been psychologically abused much earlier than I knew. It was why everyone thought I was gay, why everyone I ever befriended stopped being my friend, why I clung to people for attention because no one gave me any good positive attention.
I realized my parents ruined me as a child. And I was pissed. But I was just done with it too, done caring so damn much because all my hatred and anger was only destroying myself, each murder fantasy a pickaxe swing against my happiness.
777, I have to remind myself daily, sometimes hourly, sometimes every 5 minutes, and sometimes every second constantly, that all this abuse is to build me a certain way, to shape me to struggle out of that shape, to regain...Myself and not the me forced upon me...
I have felt the divine was in many ways uninformed, in some crazy way, as to it's level of... Inconsiderate acts upon us Humans. Arguably it's our soul's that don't seem to feel the same way our humanity does. An irony since humanity can't be without the soul.
I don't want you to go through what I did, suicide repetitions. There will be 3D planets for a looooong time, and suiciding through them indefinitely sounds like my own hell I experienced.
So imagine my perspective. I've taken a walk through hell, I've suffered there, I don't want to go back, but now here's a friend, walking the same path I did. I told others here in this moment I won't just let you wreck yourself. I'm however unable to stop you so all I can do is try to curve you away.
777, whatever is happening, whoever has hurt you, it all happened, and it is done. We must come to accept that those things have happened. I like to think you're much much stronger than you believe of yourself, that all of this is some strange icing on a cake, and that you've been holding onto that cake instead of enjoying it, because you don't want to get rid of it.
Isn't it weird, how good it feels to suffer? How much easier it is to resign in defeat than wrestle with that suffering?
... I want you to know, I want you to seek forgiveness. You are helping me face exactly what you are facing... And if you went away, well, I'd feel defeated... I don't want these horrible things to consume anyone, myself or you...
I see now as I try to tell you what I'd want to hear that you should consider this: Forgive, not for your abusers, but for yourself.
In forgiveness you release yourself from the grip of the memories of the abuse and violation, their pain may not subside but their hold does, and that lets you be still, because then nothing is shaking you about holding your attention. In that stillness, I call it To Be A Rock And Not To Roll.
You are an intrinsic beautiful part of the portrait of Earth, but does your image show the pain of Earth or the pleasure? Is there a Rock in a landscape? Is it sitting still as one with it's environment, so perfectly picturesque, or is it tumbling, a threat to someone's safety?
Your image in the Earth landscape doesn't need to be one of you tumbling. You've focused so much on that tumble. Please know each fall hurts, a lot, but the pain will go away, you will heal. It's horrible to say this but I'd have needed to hear it myself.
Endure the pain, and it will go away or at the least become easier to handle. Please don't give up, I know that it seems futile, pointless, hopeless, but it's not, it's truly not. All of those violations and abuses created you, and you're not worth hating, you're not hateful. You're hurt, and all of your feelings are important and not just tossed aside after a cold examination, rather they are informing you even if vividly overimpacting you with hurt, they tell you, there's something to find forgiveness for, there's something to find self compassion because of, and there's more to you than your failures and falls.
But truthfully, if you do go, just know I will forgive you. And be happy for you, because you'll have done your life as best you could, even if you don't think so, and that is the most beautiful thing of all, was you dare tried. That is all it takes to do anything, and it's what's important, not any failures or sufferings, but your love to face them, and your sensitivity to turn away when it becomes too much.
There is nothing wrong with everything you've done.
So, just remember how important it is that you find forgiveness of others for yourself.
I tell myself my parents were abused and they've merely continued the cycle, the juicy details (of misery...) are what help me to realize that cycle and attenpt to be more than what they've turned me into, a monster just like them.
Truthfully I'm better than a monster, I'm just going through my own lessons.
You're the same, I could reiterate abstractly, rationally, factually, metaphorically, but no matter what, you are beautiful and I wouldn't judge you for anything you might do to yourself. I will merely offer comfort as best I can and hope you've found the peace that you could not find in life.
Love you
We're all bozos on the bus, freaks on this marble. Don't beat yourself up so hard, don't let others get to you so deeply, you matter more than anyone on this veiled planet might know (besides your mother anyways), so don't give up in belief you don't matter.
I hope your stroke of misfortunes is postponed by your soul, so that you'll have time to heal, reassess, and face further misfortune with a giant smack to their face then a baffling hug of forgiveness for them.
Don't forget to be a rock and not to roll, let the storm pass over you, rather than drag you along with it.
I'll gladly speak more to try and help.
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