I don't want to be awake.

[Zach]

Really don't know exactly what your going through, but some facet of the underlying sentiment you share I resonate with pretty strongly. I'm still in it. I can grasp to some extent what you mean by reaching new lows. If your anything like me in that regard maybe you habor immense feelings of regret. Like missing crucial opportunity after opportunity for one reason or another...and with that, feeling that you've lost a part of yourself with each major missed opportunity or f*** up. It gets to a point where its like, the Self you once were, that spark...feels so "not there" that its like the basic foundation of Self/Desire is absent so regardless of the possibilities of improvement...the sense of self, willpower, and hope aren't there to really provide any real change- as any attempt from that standpoint would just feel mechanical, forced and ingenuine. Again, not to speak for you. Just from my own experience.

Overall you seem like a solid and intelligent person, you seem to have assessed your situation carefully and maybe you feel you've done your best to make better of it yet it still gets worse. I sense really strong emotional charge behind your words and deep desire for healing. All I can say is "I feel you". I'm with you to whatever extent. When all else fails, all I can say is it helps *me* when I acknowledge what I do still have...even if it just helps a little. I'll take it. If you can manage to still have a good laugh at something, enjoy a nice walk outside, appreciate the beingness of those you admire to whatever extent wherever you see it...whatever it may be. Your alive, your experiencing, and the pain you feel *is* temporary from a larger perspective...and I'm not down playing the pain you feel. I really hope things get better for you. I got something from your sharing, so thank you.