I don't want to be awake.

[Minyatur]

I had hesitated to say this but although it may come across as harsh I think it is important.

While you say that you don't want to be awake, I think you don't know what it is to really be awake. It is hard to not see the ego at the center of everything you have stated and that awakening to the qualities of spirit alleviates most, if not all, of it also.

So more than that you need to quit pursuing awakening, I think you need to re-think what it means to awaken and focus it more upon what's within than simply being more aware of the surrounding world from a confused state which may hurt itself in its inability to see the unity of it all. All that you need to heal and be well is contained within you. How you cling to your past is the ego, if it lets go then it'll reliberate the free potential of spirit.