I don't want to be awake.

[Quan]

The main characteristic of each of my awakening experiences have been episodes of self-destruction and psychosis.

I rejected the world around me because it seemed so incompatible with any sort of loving and beautiful existence.

I felt that the universe was pushing me in a direction to tear my life apart, with a promise of transcendence and rebirth. Something better would come. But I've reached new lows.

Now I am completely isolated and I've thrown away most of my hope and opportunities for the future, multiple times. Those willing to talk with me have no way of understanding the extremes I've lived through.

Everything reminds me of dreams that I came close to realizing, that I shattered.

I am currently in no position to help anyone, and I have no energy. At this moment I feel that I would have been better off if I never woke up (which started years before I found the Ra material). I might have been functional enough to help people as well.

I want to go to sleep.

Sometimes catalyst can seem all to much accept but its a only just 1 part of you that is expressing this difficultly the tip of the iceberg a smaller part of you that is trying to help you even if it may not seem that way.. Just remember tho the more catalyst the greater space for growth if it can be turned around, unfortunetately in this illusion its where growth typically comes from..
Law of One states:
"It is to be noted that among your entities a large percentage of all progression has as catalyst, trauma."
Life will only throw at you what you can deal with, must be a very strong person then to go through this..