I don't want to be awake.

[anagogy]

The main characteristic of each of my awakening experiences have been episodes of self-destruction and psychosis.

I rejected the world around me because it seemed so incompatible with any sort of loving and beautiful existence.

I felt that the universe was pushing me in a direction to tear my life apart, with a promise of transcendence and rebirth. Something better would come. But I've reached new lows.

Now I am completely isolated and I've thrown away most of my hope and opportunities for the future, multiple times. Those willing to talk with me have no way of understanding the extremes I've lived through.

Everything reminds me of dreams that I came close to realizing, that I shattered.

I am currently in no position to help anyone, and I have no energy. At this moment I feel that I would have been better off if I never woke up (which started years before I found the Ra material). I might have been functional enough to help people as well.

I want to go to sleep.

---

Sometimes when we are tired, we need to go to sleep for a while.

There have been lots of times where I grew weary with the world, and dropped out of life for a while. Allowing myself to get absorbed into distractions: movies, books, videogames, etc.

Sometimes it was weeks, sometimes it was months. Sometimes even years believe it or not.

The world was still here when I was done resting.

Take care of yourself, the world will still be here when you get back.

If you can't fly, then run. If you can't run, then walk. If you can't walk, then crawl. If you can't crawl, then imagine. if you can't imagine, then just BE. It will come back in time.

Sometimes the momentum of life is just gonna have its way with you, and there isn't much you can do about it. The karma is too strong. The causes that were set into motion, by unconscious currents of thought, have amassed too much strength. Fighting it usually just makes it worse. Sometimes you have to surrender to the momentum, surrender to the strength of the wave, and when the storm is over, gather your strength.  

Sometimes we just need some peace and quiet. Silence is about dwelling in the potential. It is the very archetype of rest. We rest to gather our strength. Dwelling in the potential potentiates and stirs up the energy of action, the energy of fate, the energy of destiny, the energy of creation. Inaction potentiates action. It potentiates the kinetic. Meditation is simply when this rest has become a conscious rhythm, as opposed to an unconscious rhythm. Consciously dwelling in the river of the potential, knowing that it will stir up the energy of *change*.

Every thought you think carries a charge. You don't have to build the charge that will fix your circumstances in one fell swoop. Just lean in the direction of well being. Lean toward the thought that makes you feel better, rather than the one that makes you feel worse. You are always building your house, and you can't stop. With every thread of thought you add to the structure you have to live in (your personal reality). Build it out of strong stuff and in a good place. The wise man built his house upon a rock. Existence is a work in a process. You will rebuild your "house" many times throughout the course of time. In-between two points of order, there is often a state of chaos. The energy of change.

---

Ra: [...] We leave you in appreciation of the circumstances of the great illusion in which you now choose to play the pipe and timbrel and move in rhythm. We are also players upon a stage. The stage changes. The acts ring down. The lights come up once again. And throughout the grand illusion and the following and the following there is the undergirding majesty of the One Infinite Creator. All is well. Nothing is lost. Go forth rejoicing in the love and the light, the peace and the power of the One Infinite Creator. I am Ra. Adonai.