I don't want to be awake.

[Billz]

The main characteristic of each of my awakening experiences have been episodes of self-destruction and psychosis.

I rejected the world around me because it seemed so incompatible with any sort of loving and beautiful existence.

I felt that the universe was pushing me in a direction to tear my life apart, with a promise of transcendence and rebirth. Something better would come. But I've reached new lows.

Now I am completely isolated and I've thrown away most of my hope and opportunities for the future, multiple times. Those willing to talk with me have no way of understanding the extremes I've lived through.

Everything reminds me of dreams that I came close to realizing, that I shattered.

I am currently in no position to help anyone, and I have no energy. At this moment I feel that I would have been better off if I never woke up (which started years before I found the Ra material). I might have been functional enough to help people as well.

I want to go to sleep.

This type of message SCREAMS, "help me!" I could begin to quote you all kinds of platitudes that would sound of psycho-babble and lift myself up as if I were some type of expert ready to assist in analysis of your needs. However, I'm not schooled in this stuff, so I won't...

It's obvious that you want help and that since you've joined B4 in August of 2017 you know that this place is the best place to discuss your troubles and find conciliatory aide from others carrying similar burdens. But, you have to want to do the work and that's something that you have to find inside yourself. You have the power and the control of your situation, and I don't mean that you are part of the creation as co-Creator. I mean, if you want help, we're here to help.

I can't hold your hand because I don't know where you are geographically. I can't tell you it'll get easier because you've posted a call for help and not a list of needs. I do know that if you're lonely, isolating yourself isn't going to yield any relief. I'm lonely and I'm in the middle of "small-town-America."

I think that being "awake" is a double edged sword: I know the truth and the truth truly does set you free. However, owning this truth as co-Creator, and living in a world that is constrained behind the veil, comes at a price. You can't simple walk around preaching to the world. They'll lock you up. That's how this world functions, with it's head in the sand following the status quo. So, if you're trying to bang the drum and sound the alarm, you're writing a ticket for yourself on the crazy train and you'll find loads of people willing to help you in the "boarding process."

Living the LOO is traumatic and can be trying in the best of times. I can't know your circumstances so I can't speak directly to the trials that you've suffered. However, it's been mentioned already that it's possible that some of these trials were specific to your needs as part of being. It is also possible that some of these trials are overt attacks against you to prevent your being effective.

All that crap is nice but worthless if you are unwilling or unable to care enough to want to do the work. It's very possible to "go to sleep." I've done it and was very successful at it for over 25 years. All you need to do is play the "game" and jump back into the "rat race." I can guarantee you that that game sucks and is designed for you to fail. You can also remain awake and simply "be." In doing so you add to the positive orientation of this planet. Of course, you can do more. How much you decide to work on is completely up to you.

I read in Book Three, Session 65, page 100 a passage of the LOO that I personally refer to as the Wanderer's Blinding White Light of Hope. I keep this passage on my desk as a promise of what is to come. I find eternal hope in the these words. You might see this hope also.

I great you in infinite love and infinite light of the one infinite Creator.

The Law of One, Book III, Session 65
August 8, 1981
Page 100

You may, at this time, note that as with any entities, each Wanderer has its unique abilities, biases, and specialties so that from each portion of each density represented among the Wanderers come an array of preincarnative talents which then may be expressed upon this plane which you now experience so that each Wanderer, in offering itself before incarnation, has some special service to offer in addition to the doubling effect of planetary love and light and the basic function of serving as beacon or shepherd.

Thus, there are those of fifth-density whose abilities to express wisdom are great. There are fourth and sixth-density Wanderers whose ability to serve as, shall we say, passive radiators or broadcasters of love and love/light are immense. There are many others whose talents brought into this density are quite varied.

Thus, Wanderers have three basic functions once the forgetting is penetrated, the first two being basic, the tertiary one being unique to that particular mind/body/spirit complex. We may note at this point while you ponder the possibility/probability vortices that although you have many, many items which cause distress and thus offer seeking and service opportunities, there is always one container in that store of peace, love, light, and joy. This vortex may be very small, but to turn one’s back upon it is to forget the infinite possibilities of the present moment. Could your planet polarize towards harmony in one fine, strong, moment of inspiration? Yes, my friends. It is not probable; but it is ever possible.