11-30-2017, 10:10 PM
Your mother sounds like the third Pokemon evolution of my own.
I am trying to make sense of the individualistic experiences that have led me to become myself I am now.
It all started way way back in basically preschool/kindergarden, I was instantly different from others. Growing up as a child, children were monsters to me, they'd steal my stuff, insult me, call me gay, I didn't even know what that was the first time I heard it.
On top of going home to parents screaming at each other...
Then going into 1st grade was okay but I found the environment disruptive. 30 kids in one classroom. I didn't learn s***.
2nd grade, bullying began, was so bad I didn't want to go to school and the best part is I don't even remember anymore what all was happening.
3rd grade, my stuff kept getting stolen, I began stealing genstones from other kids because of this.
This stealing culminated at age 16 with getting caught at Hot Topic with $180 of merchandise. I haven't stolen a thing since except maybe a pen and accidentally a box cutter from my old gas station job.
In 4th grade racism came into the picture, I was the receiver of racist remarks from a black girl, whom told everyone I was racist. I soon discovered the N word. I have called three people that word, two Hispanic kids on the school bus whom harassed the s*** out of me. And a 16 year old black teenager in 7th grade, he punched my friend so hard it broke a canal in his nose and to this day, he cannot smell nor taste.
That person deserved that word at the time and looking back, I should've been much more harsh, and the way I know he deserved that word: Him and his gang buddies never once messed with me, a 12 year old calling this punk violent uneducated 16 year old in 7th grade an N word.
I don't even connect that word to black people. If you're an N word in my mind, you're worse than what that word means to black people. That's how I took that information.
So now I already see, being exposed to theft taught me how to steal. Being exposed to racism taught me how to be racist.
5th grade was just one long year of hell, even girls were treating me like s***.
6th grade I had a growth spurt. Suddenly I'm nearing 6ft among people who are barely breaking 5ft. I was left completely alone and by this point I'm wearing a red hacket daily through summer and winter at all times, my red jacket, serving as my protective shell. I discover my first love.
7th grade, goes well mostly, quiet...NOT. My parents got divorced, but only after my mom drove my father to drinking to handle her insanity, then suddenly she starts a fight with him and upsets him so badly that she demanded he call the police on her for trying to assault him (she DID assault him, three scratch marks bleeding along his arm), he calls the police, they show up and arrest him because my mother lied completely about what happened and threatened me to tell her story over the truth.
(Feels good getting that off my chest...)
That same night she got a restraining order on him. All he did was get drunk and yell at my mom who was screaming at him, he went to jail, he lost his home, his marriage ended. All because my mom pushed him over the edge and used it and me against him.
So then all through 7th grade I'm just in a daze at this. I stopped doing homework, stopped caring about school. I'd go home and be alone for hours before this woman comes home and starts taking her bad day out on me. Suddenly I'm all of tgese horrible things, I went from a manipulated sweetheart in a mother and father family to a piece of s*** with just a mother.
She hit holes in my wall, my door, calls the police on me and says I did it. I spend months going to an anger management class where I met actual horrible kids. I remember in the juvenile delinquent home they were keeping me at, that I refused to leave with my mother when it came time to leave. The woman overseeing me was so shocked by this that she let me stay an extra day, and apparently I was such a sweet kind gentle teenager for my age that she even let me break a few rules like entering restricted areas of the building for a few minutes. She saw I was depressed and terrified of leaving. Was I the abuser or the abused?
8th grade, that love I mentioned, she stopped talking to me without a single reason why. I spent months hurt by her cold shoulder and to this day swear should anyone do that to me again, they don't ever get a second chance. After all of that my mom found a boyfriend and my half brother moved down from NJ. My mom was immensely easier to deal with while she was with Bill. My brother on the other hand found living with my father hellish, I've lived with my father. It's nice mostly. My brother is just a really huge ass hole. So go figure when my dad kicked him out my mom took him in then subsequently kicked him out a few months later for being an ass hole that didn't put up with her attitude. Then soon after my mom gets a pacemaker put in, and her bf leaves her over it.
Start high school, on Concerta and Abilify by a shitty psychiatrists who up and left the state when all of her clients recognized her as a pill pusher. Half way through freshman year my mom is single again.
My grades were A's until the final months of freshman year, when my mom began attacking me daily again having no one else to abuse.
I finished high school with a gpa of less than 2, somehow.
Sophomore year is hell. My stomach acts up in great pain for no apparent reason most days. My teachers are crap, my friends aren't friends, I have this girl I love walking in front of me all the time whom refuses to even speak to me for what I later found out was not talking to her about my home situation...
And I'm pretty much just a loner by now.
Junior year, crazy girl called Anna takes my two closest friends and turns them against me by telling them me and another guy raped her. Because I'm just so horny I have to rape people apparently or something, but overall they called her bs eventually, but by then the damage was done, and before I even had sex, sex was being used to hurt me intentionally by a girl I really liked at first.
That year otherwise was a blur of misery.
Senior year I would've dropped out if not for one particular class, tv production. I got to be on my school's broadcast, I made a somewhat funny video starring as Farmville Addict #2, the guy whom wailed in sadness when the power went out and the game turned off on me. Turns out I'm a natural at being an Editor of film as I edited a lot of broadcasts in that class.
All of that right after Mr. Brown's history class, to this day I cannot fathom how that guy could look at a student who gleefully said he enjoyed reading the chapter on the civil war, and then tells me I read the book wrong.
-triggered-
Like how do I read a textbook wrong? What the f*** is wrong with people??!
I am beginning to believe that public school is an excuse to expose children to destructive catalyst. Send your son to public school and watch him become secluded and miserable. Send your daughter to public school, watch her get pregnant. Send your children to public school so they may be exposed to crime, drugs, assault, harassment, manipulation, racism, sexism, and possibly legal ruin of their life.
I'm soooo happy I went to public school, so happy when the vice president made a sexual pass at me saying I have great ankles (would you like to see the rest of my legs Mr. Nero??) So happy when someone stole a kids phone and I was being accused of it. So happy when every one and every thing makes me want to retreat to video games and comics and cartoons and just gtfo of reality.
So, very, happy, to have gone through America's education system, thank you so much for exposing me to some of the most atrocious things people can do to one another. I'm so happy on the last day of senior year my great mood was ruined by a bunch of fliers being thrown across the school from the second floor with a picture of a girl and underneath it read 'so-n-so is a huge slut!' What a great ending to high school, being told to everyone idiot like me walking by that you're a slut, that's such a great ending to a horrible experience.
Ugh, I'm sick to my stomach trting to go through it all again and again grabbing new tidbits each time in my memory. My heart is racing, my diaphragm shaking, my stomach hurting, just recalling it all.
It's a lot to work through for me, most of life is traumatic to me. Why did I come here again? I love? I didn't know I could love such things. I am greatly disturbed.
I don't want to be dealt that catalyst anymore. I'm tired of suffering. I just want to make people happy and be happy but everyone wants to be in misery.
I'm pushing people away because I don't even know if I have what it takes to make friends anymore, to provide love to others anymore. I'm so disturbed by the majority of this ENTIRETY OF EXPERIENCE. From being in a biological machine, my body, that is nothing more than an empty vehicle devoid of thought or awareness without a soul. To being a personality shell that will deactivate in death, making all that I know myself to be now basically Gone, nonexistent except in potential, and then the social and cultural catalyst...
It's overwhelming, were I not centered on aligning this all into a healthy mindset...I'd probably just give up right now all over again going over it all in my head right now...
I ask for help them shove away helpers... I have to do this on my own I guess...It's...probably the best way to do so without hurting anyone else. And I'm so very tired of hurting people... I never wanted to hurt a person deep down, I hate violence, I'm so sick of it in any form. It is NOT entertaining.
An honorable match between martial arts is entertaining. Watching a man assault another is NOT.
I'm so tired... I'll pick up on this later when I've calmed down a bit...
I am trying to make sense of the individualistic experiences that have led me to become myself I am now.
It all started way way back in basically preschool/kindergarden, I was instantly different from others. Growing up as a child, children were monsters to me, they'd steal my stuff, insult me, call me gay, I didn't even know what that was the first time I heard it.
On top of going home to parents screaming at each other...
Then going into 1st grade was okay but I found the environment disruptive. 30 kids in one classroom. I didn't learn s***.
2nd grade, bullying began, was so bad I didn't want to go to school and the best part is I don't even remember anymore what all was happening.
3rd grade, my stuff kept getting stolen, I began stealing genstones from other kids because of this.
This stealing culminated at age 16 with getting caught at Hot Topic with $180 of merchandise. I haven't stolen a thing since except maybe a pen and accidentally a box cutter from my old gas station job.
In 4th grade racism came into the picture, I was the receiver of racist remarks from a black girl, whom told everyone I was racist. I soon discovered the N word. I have called three people that word, two Hispanic kids on the school bus whom harassed the s*** out of me. And a 16 year old black teenager in 7th grade, he punched my friend so hard it broke a canal in his nose and to this day, he cannot smell nor taste.
That person deserved that word at the time and looking back, I should've been much more harsh, and the way I know he deserved that word: Him and his gang buddies never once messed with me, a 12 year old calling this punk violent uneducated 16 year old in 7th grade an N word.
I don't even connect that word to black people. If you're an N word in my mind, you're worse than what that word means to black people. That's how I took that information.
So now I already see, being exposed to theft taught me how to steal. Being exposed to racism taught me how to be racist.
5th grade was just one long year of hell, even girls were treating me like s***.
6th grade I had a growth spurt. Suddenly I'm nearing 6ft among people who are barely breaking 5ft. I was left completely alone and by this point I'm wearing a red hacket daily through summer and winter at all times, my red jacket, serving as my protective shell. I discover my first love.
7th grade, goes well mostly, quiet...NOT. My parents got divorced, but only after my mom drove my father to drinking to handle her insanity, then suddenly she starts a fight with him and upsets him so badly that she demanded he call the police on her for trying to assault him (she DID assault him, three scratch marks bleeding along his arm), he calls the police, they show up and arrest him because my mother lied completely about what happened and threatened me to tell her story over the truth.
(Feels good getting that off my chest...)
That same night she got a restraining order on him. All he did was get drunk and yell at my mom who was screaming at him, he went to jail, he lost his home, his marriage ended. All because my mom pushed him over the edge and used it and me against him.
So then all through 7th grade I'm just in a daze at this. I stopped doing homework, stopped caring about school. I'd go home and be alone for hours before this woman comes home and starts taking her bad day out on me. Suddenly I'm all of tgese horrible things, I went from a manipulated sweetheart in a mother and father family to a piece of s*** with just a mother.
She hit holes in my wall, my door, calls the police on me and says I did it. I spend months going to an anger management class where I met actual horrible kids. I remember in the juvenile delinquent home they were keeping me at, that I refused to leave with my mother when it came time to leave. The woman overseeing me was so shocked by this that she let me stay an extra day, and apparently I was such a sweet kind gentle teenager for my age that she even let me break a few rules like entering restricted areas of the building for a few minutes. She saw I was depressed and terrified of leaving. Was I the abuser or the abused?
8th grade, that love I mentioned, she stopped talking to me without a single reason why. I spent months hurt by her cold shoulder and to this day swear should anyone do that to me again, they don't ever get a second chance. After all of that my mom found a boyfriend and my half brother moved down from NJ. My mom was immensely easier to deal with while she was with Bill. My brother on the other hand found living with my father hellish, I've lived with my father. It's nice mostly. My brother is just a really huge ass hole. So go figure when my dad kicked him out my mom took him in then subsequently kicked him out a few months later for being an ass hole that didn't put up with her attitude. Then soon after my mom gets a pacemaker put in, and her bf leaves her over it.
Start high school, on Concerta and Abilify by a shitty psychiatrists who up and left the state when all of her clients recognized her as a pill pusher. Half way through freshman year my mom is single again.
My grades were A's until the final months of freshman year, when my mom began attacking me daily again having no one else to abuse.
I finished high school with a gpa of less than 2, somehow.
Sophomore year is hell. My stomach acts up in great pain for no apparent reason most days. My teachers are crap, my friends aren't friends, I have this girl I love walking in front of me all the time whom refuses to even speak to me for what I later found out was not talking to her about my home situation...
And I'm pretty much just a loner by now.
Junior year, crazy girl called Anna takes my two closest friends and turns them against me by telling them me and another guy raped her. Because I'm just so horny I have to rape people apparently or something, but overall they called her bs eventually, but by then the damage was done, and before I even had sex, sex was being used to hurt me intentionally by a girl I really liked at first.
That year otherwise was a blur of misery.
Senior year I would've dropped out if not for one particular class, tv production. I got to be on my school's broadcast, I made a somewhat funny video starring as Farmville Addict #2, the guy whom wailed in sadness when the power went out and the game turned off on me. Turns out I'm a natural at being an Editor of film as I edited a lot of broadcasts in that class.
All of that right after Mr. Brown's history class, to this day I cannot fathom how that guy could look at a student who gleefully said he enjoyed reading the chapter on the civil war, and then tells me I read the book wrong.
-triggered-
Like how do I read a textbook wrong? What the f*** is wrong with people??!
I am beginning to believe that public school is an excuse to expose children to destructive catalyst. Send your son to public school and watch him become secluded and miserable. Send your daughter to public school, watch her get pregnant. Send your children to public school so they may be exposed to crime, drugs, assault, harassment, manipulation, racism, sexism, and possibly legal ruin of their life.
I'm soooo happy I went to public school, so happy when the vice president made a sexual pass at me saying I have great ankles (would you like to see the rest of my legs Mr. Nero??) So happy when someone stole a kids phone and I was being accused of it. So happy when every one and every thing makes me want to retreat to video games and comics and cartoons and just gtfo of reality.
So, very, happy, to have gone through America's education system, thank you so much for exposing me to some of the most atrocious things people can do to one another. I'm so happy on the last day of senior year my great mood was ruined by a bunch of fliers being thrown across the school from the second floor with a picture of a girl and underneath it read 'so-n-so is a huge slut!' What a great ending to high school, being told to everyone idiot like me walking by that you're a slut, that's such a great ending to a horrible experience.
Ugh, I'm sick to my stomach trting to go through it all again and again grabbing new tidbits each time in my memory. My heart is racing, my diaphragm shaking, my stomach hurting, just recalling it all.
It's a lot to work through for me, most of life is traumatic to me. Why did I come here again? I love? I didn't know I could love such things. I am greatly disturbed.
I don't want to be dealt that catalyst anymore. I'm tired of suffering. I just want to make people happy and be happy but everyone wants to be in misery.
I'm pushing people away because I don't even know if I have what it takes to make friends anymore, to provide love to others anymore. I'm so disturbed by the majority of this ENTIRETY OF EXPERIENCE. From being in a biological machine, my body, that is nothing more than an empty vehicle devoid of thought or awareness without a soul. To being a personality shell that will deactivate in death, making all that I know myself to be now basically Gone, nonexistent except in potential, and then the social and cultural catalyst...
It's overwhelming, were I not centered on aligning this all into a healthy mindset...I'd probably just give up right now all over again going over it all in my head right now...
I ask for help them shove away helpers... I have to do this on my own I guess...It's...probably the best way to do so without hurting anyone else. And I'm so very tired of hurting people... I never wanted to hurt a person deep down, I hate violence, I'm so sick of it in any form. It is NOT entertaining.
An honorable match between martial arts is entertaining. Watching a man assault another is NOT.
I'm so tired... I'll pick up on this later when I've calmed down a bit...