11-30-2017, 08:19 PM
And I do apologize, I'm laying some heavy stuff out for processing. Have to drag it out to organize it.
In some ways I feel helpless or infantized like 'you'll never make it on your own, why even try? Hahaha!'
But inside I...Don't know if its because of all of this, but I feel like I can make it if I just had this chance I don't seem to perceive to live my life the way I wanted, I feel like I could go make myself a truly fulfilling life. Instead I feel like I'm a permanent caregiver to someone whom cuts me down more than builds me up.
Is it so wrong to want to hear your mother say 'hey, how are you?' Instead of 'What did you do today...?' (In a very condescending tone) As the first words spoken to me that day?
Or is it so wrong to feel damaged and hurt and broken up inside from not having any human contact of a sustained positive nature? Or to feel like a helpless child because most of my life was spent in escape and fantasy, games, cartoons, and distracting myself from reality with school work...?
I'm tired of bitching! Of feeling like a b****! I want to do something and not be insulted for it, to do something and not feel pathetic, to do things and not hear the haunting voice of discouragement and insult in my mind of my mother's voice destroying anything good about me.
I really want it to stop because I can't function in society if the only thing my head tells me is this is all pointless, worthless waste of time, just fueling an addicts lifestyle and giving her someome to cut down so she'll feel better about herself.
What's more is my lack of motivation, conditioning to just give up and shut down. To just become helpless.
It pisses me off, I need to change it.
I am more than some failure loser manchild, a lot more, if I could only know how to show it, and not feel so discouraged at a lifetime of experiences haunting me saying why bother? What's the point?
I shouldn't have to hear my mother's voice telling me to go kill myself, or that I'm a piece of s***.
So I'm not going to anymore, and it starts with putting these pieces in proper context so I can actually find my self worth, empowerment, motivation, drive, and direction to be a better person that I feel I can be.
In some ways I feel helpless or infantized like 'you'll never make it on your own, why even try? Hahaha!'
But inside I...Don't know if its because of all of this, but I feel like I can make it if I just had this chance I don't seem to perceive to live my life the way I wanted, I feel like I could go make myself a truly fulfilling life. Instead I feel like I'm a permanent caregiver to someone whom cuts me down more than builds me up.
Is it so wrong to want to hear your mother say 'hey, how are you?' Instead of 'What did you do today...?' (In a very condescending tone) As the first words spoken to me that day?
Or is it so wrong to feel damaged and hurt and broken up inside from not having any human contact of a sustained positive nature? Or to feel like a helpless child because most of my life was spent in escape and fantasy, games, cartoons, and distracting myself from reality with school work...?
I'm tired of bitching! Of feeling like a b****! I want to do something and not be insulted for it, to do something and not feel pathetic, to do things and not hear the haunting voice of discouragement and insult in my mind of my mother's voice destroying anything good about me.
I really want it to stop because I can't function in society if the only thing my head tells me is this is all pointless, worthless waste of time, just fueling an addicts lifestyle and giving her someome to cut down so she'll feel better about herself.
What's more is my lack of motivation, conditioning to just give up and shut down. To just become helpless.
It pisses me off, I need to change it.
I am more than some failure loser manchild, a lot more, if I could only know how to show it, and not feel so discouraged at a lifetime of experiences haunting me saying why bother? What's the point?
I shouldn't have to hear my mother's voice telling me to go kill myself, or that I'm a piece of s***.
So I'm not going to anymore, and it starts with putting these pieces in proper context so I can actually find my self worth, empowerment, motivation, drive, and direction to be a better person that I feel I can be.