Accepting the shadow self

[Stranger]

Arguing with parts never ever achieves anything. 

You do know s***, but I can't totally agree with this part.

There is usefulness to dismantle what's rooted as tangled in the mind complex. Sometimes arguing with convinction is the only way a part can be shaken in its belief and contemplate the dual counter-part of its thought which resolves the tension that part was stuck in.

Confusion is a big player here, so quite often there is the aspect of confused beliefs although it's just an aspect of the work to be done.

Elros, I agree that it's useful to dismantle the beliefs and attitudes that parts are stuck in.  I'd even say it's essential to do that, if we want to be free and truly ourselves, unencumbered by internal obstacles.  So we're on the same page with this.

The question is how to make that happen.  Richard Schwartz, when he first discovered parts, started out arguing with them and trying to convince the self-harming parts to stop making his patients harm themselves.  They'd eventually agree, but would produce even more horrific injuries afterwards, when out of the session.

My personal experience in arguing with parts is similar.  You can have an inner critic telling you that you're worthless, and you can very nicely talk to it about how that's not helpful or accurate and all the reasons why, but it'll come back and say "that's all well and good, but the fact is that you're worthless and it's my job to destroy you"  (which, of course, it can't do - parts cannot cause any harm and can only affect you if you listen to their nonsense - the Chodron quote rva_Jeremy posted is very accurate).

I've therefore come to see parts as being frozen into their particular attitudes and emotions.  They are like computer programs.  They are stuck in their configuration.  There's no amount of arguing with an ATM that will make it give you a soda - it's just not what it does, or is capable of doing.

On the other hand, loving the part invariably unfreezes it and makes it open to alternative modes of being.  Often a critical part will even express gratitude for being healed this way, saying that it hated what it was stuck doing, over and over.  Love works with critical parts, sad parts, fearful parts - basically, it harmonizes all internal disharmonies.