(11-12-2017, 05:22 PM)Coordinate_Apotheosis Wrote: stuff
>Me, rather confused as to what has happened to you that you see no problem in your anger and murderous intent.
A brief experience of pure, intense bliss, true happiness, feeling perfect and complete, sandwiched between a lifetime of nothing but suffering. You'd develop mental problems if you heard half of it. My psychologist told me that I'd had several lifetimes of experiences and suggested I commit suicide to end the pain, and that was years before any of it even really started.
I was never happy, except now it's worse, because I know what it's like to feel the most awesome happiness in the world. But they tore it away because it wasn't orthodox or "proper", even though I could have been perfectly happy without it going whatever direction they were worried about...
I fucking hate Christians.
Anyways, there's not anything that can really hurt me anymore, and that's cold comfort (even when I was rammed by a car and forced to crawl hundreds of yards through the mud with multiple compound fractures, all I could think was "It'll be okay, I've been through worse than this before"), but nothing that makes me happy, either. It's all pain, every second of every day, and that lends itself to rage. Yoda had it wrong... Suffering leads to hate, and hate leads to transcendence.
As far as murder goes... Do you subsist solely on light like some kind of breatharian, or do you eat some form of butchered life every day just to keep yourself alive? You live in a society that's a giant factory farm. You can't support it by accusing me of wanting to break its laws ("murder") when the whole system is based on cold-blooded slaughter.
Now, yeah, if I can just walk out, then what need is there for violence? If I can develop myself spiritually and go to a plane where I have the knowledge I want and the power to do as I want, intelligent infinity with no time limit or limitations, then, great. But the Christians (and of COURSE it's the Christians; everything good and beautiful in life gets taken away by the Christians) have given me stern warnings against striving for that ideal, citing the tower of babel story in which God, being a giant crybaby bully as usual, punished humans for trying to work their way out of this miserable hellhole.
Well... if I'm not going to be happy, I see no reason why they should be, so I'll make them suffer unless and until I find a way out.
>In my own exploration of animosity, pure malice, and hatred, I have found the root to be a lack of love being given to the person enacting such emotions.
That's pretty gay. (inb4 mods get upset at me using "gay" as a curse word; I'm bi, it's like n-word privileges; I don't have anything against LGBT; I shouldn't get beeped - video related)
>I feel, from that personal realization, that the only true means to combat the purity of destruction in those emotions is to meet their intensity with gentleness, compassionate consideration for that person's life.
Oh, nice, so what's your favorite strain? Mine are Trainwreck, Death Star, Durban Poison, Northern Lights, AK-47, and Girl Scout Cookies... and I know for a fact I'm forgetting a few, because it's been a while since I've smoked as much as you apparently are, but god damn do I miss that lady. Mary Jane used to be the love of my life, back when I had one.
>It's a bit of twisting logic, but I would describe it that a person whom is denied love, becomes cold, then isolated, then bitter, then enters a downward spiral, they grow aggressive, offensive, trying to remind people that they deserve love. They want love. They matter too.
Yeah, I'd say that's twisting some logic.
Maybe it was about love at one point. But, no, this isn't a cry for help, either; I did have a few of those back in middle and high school, and that ship has sailed.
Do I matter to the world? Man, I don't give a f***. That's another epiphany that's come to me recently. As a teen, I was really psychotic and violent and sick in the head, and I didn't have many friends. I cried. I wanted to be "normal". I wanted to fit it and be a part of things.
Then, something probably heard me, and I gained a lot of friends, became kinda popular for a bit. I enjoyed it. But the more I experienced these people, the more I hated them, the more I realized that they didn't think for themselves and walked on the pavement, colored in the lines. Even the so-called counterculture was just a few extra shades of grey. Exceptions being Juggalos and a couple other groups.
I eventually came to the conclusion that I just didn't like people, with few exceptions. Most of the things I do and like are not well-received by society, and actively discouraged in most cases, so I'd rather my very presence unbalance them as much as possible. Presence Chaos with a capital C, and not the stuck-up, pretentious, I'm-redefining-an-edgy-word-to-mean-something-peaceful-and-NORP-friendly-just-to-bait-idiots-who-don't-know-my-definition-of-the-word-because-I'm-the-satanic-temple-or-peter-gillmore-or-the-IOT-or-just-a-fucking-hipster-in-general type of Chaos. Just good, old fashioned disruption.
My theme song:
Whatever desires I have to be liked are just astral debris, leftover structures that are slowly being eroded by other things.
Maybe there is some hope left deep down, desperately wishing for help from someone who actually could, but hope is a toxic and corrosive demon (and not even the fun kind).
Part of me still hopes against all hope that some kind of miracle will pop up out of nowhere and fix what I need fixed, save me. But I know better. The only miracles that happen are the ones you pry out of God's cold, dead hands. So I'm sharpening my hatchet.
>I see a severely hurt person
Yeah, sure. I'll admit to being hurt. But it's the kind of hurt that helps you transcend all others. Like I said, at this point, anything else is just more black on black. Things can still hurt, but it's all in the same order of magnitude. Nothing to be afraid of.
Like on the Billy & Mandy (and there's a cartoon worth watching) movie. I already live my worst fear every day, so I hold Horror's Hand.
>In many cases of solitary confinement, the confined person WILL act out, sometimes violently, to garnish attention, to be attended to. To attract 'care'. This is no different from 'troublemakers', this is no different from being alone and then exploding on, say, a store clerk when things accidentally go wrong.
No, I just want my astral body fixed and my merkaba untied and for you and everyone else to leave me the f*** alone. Gimmie that and we'll have no problems at all.
My motivation is to be free, and to torture my tormentors as a backup plan.
>I will try, to be a friend. Maybe that's foolish of me, and stupid.
Yeah.
>So, be angry at me, be offensive.
Only because you asked so nicely.
>I will hug that crazed animosity, and tenderly remind you that I see your anger and while I may not be able to understand the depth of it, I will not just let it consume itself in rage.
Just remember what you're making contact with. I'm contagious.
>You can fight, but must it be so personal?
Oh, I thought me and Cainite were bonding. Did I misinterpret the situation?
>I like American Dad, I watch that crap.
I watch South Park. I have taste.
Family Guy was funny when I was 12, but American Dad never was.
>probably labeled in a CIA or FBI database as a domestic) terrorist
Go you. Nobody who's worth anything isn't on those lists.
Responding to my ISIS buddy here in a bit. Taking a little break.