What can cause holes in auric fields, LSD, Childhood sexual assult but what else?

[Cainite]

Do you also push those that love you away? I am enduring the big push right now, even though he busys himself with distraction not to feel it I know he is suffering.

Now no one loves me . just kidding, my friend does. she nurtured me in my worst schizophrenic months everyday with her incredible energy that works on me best. every other friend left me.. suddenly I wasn't popular among them. cuz they thought I'm not cool anymore or sth. she says they couldn't handle my terrible energy cuz I was too messed up. but still I expected a lot more.

But thanks to that experience now I know who's my friend and who's not. and what/whom I should live/die for.

Although for about 4 years or more, I tortured myself and escaped pleasure and love. tried suicide. and there are so many cuts on my left hand.

Can I tell you about the hamster thing? It doesn't matter.
I mean I know it does to you because you had to experience it, and to people who like to judge others on this planet thinking they can label good/bad but from outside that 3d view it really doesn't matter. Still so loved and judgement isn't really a thing outside our realm.
There is no devil because I am the devil and I am the holiest of holys. We all are. s*** is just a bit f***** up here with all the pain.

So not sure if it helps at all or not but know I didn't even blink at the hamster thing. I bet the light of god that inhabited the hamster would really like you to forgive yourself because pain does stuff to people and its all good. Hamster is exploring a different portion of creation now,... maybe with wings. Who knows.

Sorry if any of this reads in a way that bothers you. I always care and I always try but it doesn't mean I always get it right. ((((((hugs))))))

Thank you so much, Glow about the wings thing and the kind words.
I really hope he has wings now!
Can't face the little guy and tell him how sorry I am for taking his cute, innocent life. the guilt won't go away anytime soon but it has lessened a lot since those years. at that time I couldn't think about anything else.. blamed myself for everything, departure of my family, ...

Nowadays I just numb the pain using morphine, which has darkened my world in another way. I require lots of healing.
It's middle of the night here. I wake up a lot during night. reading your post makes me go back to bed feeling better. tnx