Wanderers and relationships/sexuality

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

Why is quoting so hard on a phone x-x

In regards to casual sex, I was for a while very interested in the idea until I began being chances to do so.  I lost my virginity to casual sex.  I also only ever had two people I was casual with both of whom I'm no longer friends with.

Casual sex used to sound very appealing, now I recognize it as sexualizing others.  Women see the man as a penis to bang, men see the woman as a vagina to bang.  It's actually disturbing to me now whereas it used to be desirable.

I don't view monogamy as ownership.  When I think of ownership I think of dom/sub relationships, consensual sex slavery, sex pets, all that stuff.  Monogamy to me isn't about the singleness of having another only to yourself, it's about a commitment of dedicating yourself in love to working with making a shared life with another.  Not having the other all to yourself.

Some people make monogamy into that, into a 'I have you now' sort of thing.  That's not a healthy relationship to me.  When you're both using each other under the guise of a relationship.

I used to think open relationships were acceptable.  Glow, in regards to losing another, I speak from experience.  There was once a girl I came to really adore, her name was Anna.  Long story short Anna used me to get to my two best friends, began dating them after making me think she was going after me, then lied to them about me about some messed up stuff to them.

My concern is not their pleasure once they begin doing such things like having sex with others just to hurt me.

If it were an actual loving relationship where I know from experience that the other person just wants to have fun and explore, then I would let them sleep with other people.  I HAVE let that happen actually without concern or issue.

It's when they do so to hurt me that I'm not okay with it, and it's when that trust and commitment to each other is broken that I fear their infidelity basically.

That kind of pain and suffering has left a huge gash in my life, I have been cheated on and manipulated for a woman's gain not once or twice or even thrice but often enough.  I struggle to believe in the good intentions of women from it.  I struggle greatly with not judging women because of it.
None of those women have ever apologised or told me they thought about me and my feelings and how they used me.  Rather I often feel like I am garbage in their minds, just something to use then throw away.

It's one of the greater pains of my life how cruely women have treated me, contrasted to my kindness towards them.  It's why when I'm called an oppressor of women, I scoff from the back of my throat with disbelief that I, the abused one, am now the abuser for not being okay with being abused.

I was hurt but I am trying each day to not hold my hurt against others, and while I fail often enough, I succeed often enough too...

I just wish others would see that, especially women who've been hurt by men the way women have hurt me.  Don't blame the whole fruit basket as being bad when only a few bad apples were apparent.

I've now seen compassion fatugue and compersion, it'd seem compassion has many facets of being.

I don't condone cheating.  There's a difference between openly sharing with love and purposefully going behind someone's back.  If my love wanted to bang someone, I'd be satisfied to know they took my feelings into consideration.  I, however being a not the most attractive man, am still extremely cautious of others.

I have been throw away like garbage enough times to be wary of creating circumstances leading up to that occurrence again.  I think it's my right as well to be cautious of men and women who treat others like that.  I don't deserve to be left for another person, I'm not that bad of a person...

I find my jealousy is well had.  I hope none of you ever know the pain of someone you love purposefully having intercourse with another just to provoke a negative feeling from you.  It's a feeling on par with the misery I felt in 2015 thinking I was in Hell.

Loneliness to me comes in the form of misunderstanding and poor expression.  I'm bad at social stuff, I'm also weird and lacking in properly being raised.  I didn't even consider my clothing as an important part of meeting others until I was in my twenties.  I went through all of high school in a jacket and sweatpants.  Walked around in comfy clothes like the world was my home.  Even wore a trench coat to school a few times.  No one seemed to care, but I discovered it was more that I didn't know to care about my appearance.  My hair is a monster, it doesn't behave lol, and overall I usually look like a mess.
In some ways, my appearance reflects my inner being.  It wasn't until the Law of One was a part of my life that I discovered how to tend to my clothes beyond washing and drying them, but how to fold them, hang them up, how to keep graphics on them from fading.  Stuff like that.

So, for me, I'm mostly lonely because I was never raised to know how to attract friends, or even how to take care of myself, had to figure it out on my own and I still am.

It's just sad to me how much we all judge the looks of a person.  Maybe they're just having a bad hair day?

@Traveler, It makes me feel better to know that I'm not the only one who got some weird fetish.  I can't imagine why I find what I do so arousing.

I can however say that it is my honest opinion that for some people, a weird fetish may be indicative of a well developed indigo ray.  Even Einstein and Tesla had a few weird preferences, amongst others of notable name.  But beyond that I can only say from my experiences reading chakras that people with fetishes usually have an interesting play of indigo/lower-triad interenergy exchanges.  Whether this is good or bad seems to not be the point, but rather I think some people just have fantasies they have taken to heart and mind in exploring.  Whether such manifest seems to be by the actions of the individual.