Wanderers and relationships/sexuality

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

I was just going to make a thread on sexuality!  Must be a energetic theme floating around B4 right now.

To answer your questions with my own opinions.

I do have similar experiences.

I think wanderers can.

My sexuality during this rollercoaster of kundalini awakening for me has become confusing.  My libido goes from insatiable to shut down.  Some days I'm so needy I'm willing to try and hookup with strangers, others I'm so put off that I don't want anyone to even look at me.

I explored anal experiences, and found I needed to be 'in the mood' to enjoy any of that at all and even then my physical health pushes me away from there due to hemmorhoids.
Alongside that I explored oral experiences, and have found them to be much more 'satisfying' to perform and receive than anal penetration or vaginal sex.  I'm not sure why though as I don't get to explore sexuality with others very much at all.

It's lead me to appreciate gentleness and empathy towards skin contact.  I don't want sex to be like porn, I want the experience to be slow and gentle and passionate rather than hard and rough.
Albeit my few sexual experiences with women have led me to believe being rough feels better sexually, I don't operate at a purely sexual level in sex anyone...  If there's a lack of deep connection, my penis won't rise for the occasion, I think this is good and as it should be as I personally feel that society abuses the entire sexual act and sexuality.  Women get objectified, men must be tall, strong, and a good f***, clothing is made to accentuate the body more so than the personality, and overall everyone is supposed to fit into the narrow generalization of masculine and feminine, otherwise insult occurs.  Gay men, gay women, transgender people, all still are not safe in the world, from people who've been brainwashed to see such as unnatural and wrong, denying the humanity of the person because of how they are.

I went from straight to possibly transgender to bisexual, and now I just don't know what I identify as...  I don't find women or men attractive anymore.  I find men selfish brutal liars and women manipulative underhanded liars.  I find the mind so attractive but the body rarely reflects it accurately.  Sure I am still pulled towards instinctual attraction, sure I'd sleep with Jennifer Aniston or Kevin Spacey, but I wouldn't be all there.

The sex act for me has evolved to requiring a kind of full body experience that also entertains the mind.  So that the body isn't to be used but pleasured and loved and worshipped with sweet touches and caresses and great attention, rather than assaulted with forceful thrusts, from either party, by the male penis or the female hips.

In fact so drastically did my sexuality tastes change during my kundalini awakening that I discovered I had a massive fetish for consensual tentacle porn and hentai mangas that portrayed the female protagonist as enjoying themselves from full body stimulation or experiencing enough pleasure to disassociate.

Although I was also exposed to that stuff before I hit puberty so it might just be another sexual oddity acquired from being exposed to such things at a young age.

I am now much more kinky than vanilla, preferring ideas of bondage and fulfilling the desires of others over the typical sex act.

Some find this gross and perverted.  I find sleeping with people based SOLELY on their looks to be gross and perverted, ignoring their mind for their flesh.  I find it disheartening how so many people are alone because they were born a certain way and because society has a stigma on dating ugly people.

Overall I tried for a while to explore by myself the sexual energy of sexuality but found it to be hard to do without another.
Further I found sex is no longer pleasurable in a lasting or fulfilling way like how it used to be if the other person has no interest in exploring philosophy or spirituality with me.

And sadly all of this has led to mostly sexual frustration and disappointment.  My life experience with sex is summed up majorly with one exception as giving without receiving.  All but one woman I've been with did not reciprocate any sexual act but would still attempt to entice me to do stuff with them.

Only the mother of my son reciprocated in full, in many ways she's the bulk of my experience in receiving, just her of the 6 girls I've been with in my life.

It's from all of these things that I am mostly put off by sex, portrayals of sex, sexual innuendo, and 'sexy' stuff like lingerie or advertisements.

I am put off by sexualization of women, especially younger teens and some children (look at what they wear...), I'm out off by the use of women in advertising, buy this car, look at the hot chick on it, eat this burger, she enjoys it!  Buy this insurance, she won't be happy with you otherwise.

I am equally put off by the lack of sexualization of men, no sexy clothes, no manners of behavior to be sexy, we're expected to be smooth, cool, and hot, or to die alone laboring away.

Similarly all of this has opened me up to the sexual identities portrayed on men and women and how we are all supposed to be.  A wife is supposed to cook and clean and care for the child, the husband is supposed to make a living and teach the child lessons.

It's all so strange to me now whereas before my spiritual awakening it was 'normal'.

In regards to your comment of depolarizing sex, I think rape is the only time such exists.  Even in a sub/dom relationship both parties are consenting and giving the other what they desire.  When the act moves beyond consent (such as harming the sub in ways they didn't agree to beforehand) is when you move into depolarizing movements.

Thanks for the post and sorry for being TMI, just trying to be honest...