11-04-2017, 05:51 PM
Expectation, I should've considered this more. It's a forgotten learned lesson for me clearly it requires relearning.
I am at a place of... A dynamic tension between egoic ethics and morality, and spiritual acceptance and relinquishment.
On one had I expect people to awaken, on the other this is not true for everyone.
On one hand I expect a natural empathetic response, on the other I see mostly apathy.
All of my expectations are unfair towards others whom I know nothing more about than that I am similar to them in our uniqueness.
Commander Data from Star Trek TNG identified a trait of uniqueness. It is isolating. To be unique makes one all alone.
So ironic it is that we are all unique, we are all alone, we are all in the same boat, it's just a different looking boat we each see.
I find I am not actually expecting much of others, but that I have expected so much of myself. To not be bothered by things meant to bother me. To not be aroused by things that arouse me. To not be ways I feel I want to be.
It makes me think of... Of the word "Nomad".
A nomad is a wanderer without home, making anyplace their home. How could one live as such but by the means of which they are named; 'No-mad'.
I find that life desirable, I know I could probably never do it on my own and be comfortable, but to be removed from the confusing chaotic arrays of separation pushed in society, and to return to living with nature, are warm thoughts indeed.
Yet I find that in order to not be mad (about 90% of the time), one must release expectation of events and things and stuff, general considerations. To not grow hot with anger at injury or irrational with frustration from things going awry.
To not be mad at the squirrel stealing your berries, or the bear that wrecked your tent. Or the authorities that remove you from an area.
Expectation.
I don't understand why, but I find it is... A measure of ego, and I can't say how, but while it seems to be rooted towards 'control', I would name it an innocent control, a necessary control to survival. Not to prosperity.
So then it is funny to me, that in the throes and woes of spiritual awakening, that the consciousness in response to ego would let it be, while the ego tries to curve the consciousnesses' for it's own survival.
Ego survival. It's the job of the ego. To snatch the fallen food of another, to drink from the water others do. To fight against undesireable encroaches and actions. To kill to live.
There is a reason for it all. So then why must the ego die?
I struggle with death. The idea of it. The very human loss associated with it.
Because I expect it to be painful, of which that catalyst I try to avoid. I expect death to also be disassociating, who we are now ceases more and more for who we really are. In many ways I as the ego feel abused by spirit, feel like I was designed to be miserable until I'm conquered and slaughtered with love and wisdom. Like my existence is to be consumed as the fruit of the tree and excreted in rebirth.
My ego says, 'Please, No.'
Yet my consciousness is different. It sees it all differently, it views ego as beautiful and something to sit with and be one with. We wouldn't be incarnate otherwise. It expects nothing of the ego, not even that it should be as itself, it is detached.
My consciousness says nothing at all, it smiles.
So in the dynamic tensions of a smiling spirit sitting with a terrified ego, I am left as many things, but above all, I am confused.
I do not want to 'die' as my ego self or harm my ego self, yet enlightenment and spirituality almost demand I deposit my ego, relinquish it as my separate self not even myself, but something giving me a lens to experience lessons through, and to relinquish it to its falling away in depth of realizations of reality, yet the ego clenches for life as it falls.
It screams foul play, accuses of spirit of abuse, and desperately tries to cling to living. It doesn't matter that it's death isn't the full ceasing of the incarnation, it cares that it must be ceased. It likes life, loves living, why must it so soon into becoming, now be gone?
My ego fuels my search of 'The Truth', it is my ego that drives that passion and desire, no wonder then does it listen to the idea of peace and utopia and happiness, and find at it's experiences of a lack of such frustration.
The expectation was singlepointed and intense; Others should be nice to each other, care more than less than.
It's brought me some great distress and anxiety to see how cold things can be in an otherwise warm environment.
If only one could bring ego into consciousness instead of it falling away for consciousness. If only we could meld them in a more harmonious way, those enlightened wouldn't be so far removed as to everyone else's reality, and they wouldn't be so content to sit in fire, rather than extinguish the force consuming them and others.
They'd see differently but with one eye in reality and the other in actuality, to move for the illusion but also the truth. With one ear tuned to God and the other to Humans. With one foot in paradise, but the other in hell.
I will try to lower my expectations, I worry however that a lack of it leads to choosing ignorance to reality, and I am wary of that as I seek above all else, infinity, creator, unconditional love, The Truth of the Nature of Reality and Actuality.
Perhaps I am selfish and lazy and taking the easy route of nonconformity towards my own crazy ideas of what is and should be. The middle path of good, evil, and what actually is.
I don't know. I'm selfless sometimes because I genuinely care about others, but I'm selfish too because I genuinely don't care about others sometimes, and I say it like that because I don't in all honesty care about myself very much. I've got a lot of energetic blocks from childhood experiences telling me I'm not important but another is.
I did with that the best I could... I did okay. Those same blocks make my inner monologue say Okay isn't good enough, I expect better.
I ain't got nothing better to give, this is me as me can be, all my messes, all my pains, all my joys, it's all I got.
If it's not good enough, what's there left to do? My best isn't good enough, I may as well kill myself since I'm just a failure then by my own expectations, the mirror of which echoes as frustration outwardly, when it's mostly inwards.
Expectations. Perhaps the paradox of the matter is the solution. To expect is like inspecting externally something. We cannot know it without becoming it, and so in our expectations we become that which we expect to be the outcome of an expected judgment. You become the monster as you hunt the monster expecting monstrous things, taking those things inside and upon ourselves in expectation of y/ourself in another.
No wonder we're expected to relinquish them, so as to find y/ourself underneath the bog of judgment.
Thanks again for the responses everyone, I am... A slow learner in some things...
Yin yang, I don't know if I feel comfortable with the title Adept. I'm just a researcher, I intend no magic practice, I do not perform Work In Consciousness conscientiously anymore.
I an familiar with the experiences described, and in many ways I feel a sort of shame in describing again and again my experiences in 2014 of such joy and bliss, in contrast to my anxiety and fear of the present.
Believe me when I say I'd take it back, but I am sure I am not ready and must do the work that is necessary to regain that state of consciousness.
I'll always love, but a part of me is here to learn, not just to be joyous, when I'm ready, I think I will return to a joyousness like what I knew, that deep sincere sense of deep peace and serenity, where serendipity in synchronicity rekindled the source of wonder I feel at life daily again and again.
But right now, now that I know it's there, that I know I've got kundalini, power, ability, magic at my very being, I now experience to learn, but cautiously, knowing how detached the being conjuring those lessons can be.
Be merry, but don't dance into fire. It's hard to smile when you're being burned alive, traumatized.
I am at a place of... A dynamic tension between egoic ethics and morality, and spiritual acceptance and relinquishment.
On one had I expect people to awaken, on the other this is not true for everyone.
On one hand I expect a natural empathetic response, on the other I see mostly apathy.
All of my expectations are unfair towards others whom I know nothing more about than that I am similar to them in our uniqueness.
Commander Data from Star Trek TNG identified a trait of uniqueness. It is isolating. To be unique makes one all alone.
So ironic it is that we are all unique, we are all alone, we are all in the same boat, it's just a different looking boat we each see.
I find I am not actually expecting much of others, but that I have expected so much of myself. To not be bothered by things meant to bother me. To not be aroused by things that arouse me. To not be ways I feel I want to be.
It makes me think of... Of the word "Nomad".
A nomad is a wanderer without home, making anyplace their home. How could one live as such but by the means of which they are named; 'No-mad'.
I find that life desirable, I know I could probably never do it on my own and be comfortable, but to be removed from the confusing chaotic arrays of separation pushed in society, and to return to living with nature, are warm thoughts indeed.
Yet I find that in order to not be mad (about 90% of the time), one must release expectation of events and things and stuff, general considerations. To not grow hot with anger at injury or irrational with frustration from things going awry.
To not be mad at the squirrel stealing your berries, or the bear that wrecked your tent. Or the authorities that remove you from an area.
Expectation.
I don't understand why, but I find it is... A measure of ego, and I can't say how, but while it seems to be rooted towards 'control', I would name it an innocent control, a necessary control to survival. Not to prosperity.
So then it is funny to me, that in the throes and woes of spiritual awakening, that the consciousness in response to ego would let it be, while the ego tries to curve the consciousnesses' for it's own survival.
Ego survival. It's the job of the ego. To snatch the fallen food of another, to drink from the water others do. To fight against undesireable encroaches and actions. To kill to live.
There is a reason for it all. So then why must the ego die?
I struggle with death. The idea of it. The very human loss associated with it.
Because I expect it to be painful, of which that catalyst I try to avoid. I expect death to also be disassociating, who we are now ceases more and more for who we really are. In many ways I as the ego feel abused by spirit, feel like I was designed to be miserable until I'm conquered and slaughtered with love and wisdom. Like my existence is to be consumed as the fruit of the tree and excreted in rebirth.
My ego says, 'Please, No.'
Yet my consciousness is different. It sees it all differently, it views ego as beautiful and something to sit with and be one with. We wouldn't be incarnate otherwise. It expects nothing of the ego, not even that it should be as itself, it is detached.
My consciousness says nothing at all, it smiles.
So in the dynamic tensions of a smiling spirit sitting with a terrified ego, I am left as many things, but above all, I am confused.
I do not want to 'die' as my ego self or harm my ego self, yet enlightenment and spirituality almost demand I deposit my ego, relinquish it as my separate self not even myself, but something giving me a lens to experience lessons through, and to relinquish it to its falling away in depth of realizations of reality, yet the ego clenches for life as it falls.
It screams foul play, accuses of spirit of abuse, and desperately tries to cling to living. It doesn't matter that it's death isn't the full ceasing of the incarnation, it cares that it must be ceased. It likes life, loves living, why must it so soon into becoming, now be gone?
My ego fuels my search of 'The Truth', it is my ego that drives that passion and desire, no wonder then does it listen to the idea of peace and utopia and happiness, and find at it's experiences of a lack of such frustration.
The expectation was singlepointed and intense; Others should be nice to each other, care more than less than.
It's brought me some great distress and anxiety to see how cold things can be in an otherwise warm environment.
If only one could bring ego into consciousness instead of it falling away for consciousness. If only we could meld them in a more harmonious way, those enlightened wouldn't be so far removed as to everyone else's reality, and they wouldn't be so content to sit in fire, rather than extinguish the force consuming them and others.
They'd see differently but with one eye in reality and the other in actuality, to move for the illusion but also the truth. With one ear tuned to God and the other to Humans. With one foot in paradise, but the other in hell.
I will try to lower my expectations, I worry however that a lack of it leads to choosing ignorance to reality, and I am wary of that as I seek above all else, infinity, creator, unconditional love, The Truth of the Nature of Reality and Actuality.
Perhaps I am selfish and lazy and taking the easy route of nonconformity towards my own crazy ideas of what is and should be. The middle path of good, evil, and what actually is.
I don't know. I'm selfless sometimes because I genuinely care about others, but I'm selfish too because I genuinely don't care about others sometimes, and I say it like that because I don't in all honesty care about myself very much. I've got a lot of energetic blocks from childhood experiences telling me I'm not important but another is.
I did with that the best I could... I did okay. Those same blocks make my inner monologue say Okay isn't good enough, I expect better.
I ain't got nothing better to give, this is me as me can be, all my messes, all my pains, all my joys, it's all I got.
If it's not good enough, what's there left to do? My best isn't good enough, I may as well kill myself since I'm just a failure then by my own expectations, the mirror of which echoes as frustration outwardly, when it's mostly inwards.
Expectations. Perhaps the paradox of the matter is the solution. To expect is like inspecting externally something. We cannot know it without becoming it, and so in our expectations we become that which we expect to be the outcome of an expected judgment. You become the monster as you hunt the monster expecting monstrous things, taking those things inside and upon ourselves in expectation of y/ourself in another.
No wonder we're expected to relinquish them, so as to find y/ourself underneath the bog of judgment.
Thanks again for the responses everyone, I am... A slow learner in some things...
Yin yang, I don't know if I feel comfortable with the title Adept. I'm just a researcher, I intend no magic practice, I do not perform Work In Consciousness conscientiously anymore.
I an familiar with the experiences described, and in many ways I feel a sort of shame in describing again and again my experiences in 2014 of such joy and bliss, in contrast to my anxiety and fear of the present.
Believe me when I say I'd take it back, but I am sure I am not ready and must do the work that is necessary to regain that state of consciousness.
I'll always love, but a part of me is here to learn, not just to be joyous, when I'm ready, I think I will return to a joyousness like what I knew, that deep sincere sense of deep peace and serenity, where serendipity in synchronicity rekindled the source of wonder I feel at life daily again and again.
But right now, now that I know it's there, that I know I've got kundalini, power, ability, magic at my very being, I now experience to learn, but cautiously, knowing how detached the being conjuring those lessons can be.
Be merry, but don't dance into fire. It's hard to smile when you're being burned alive, traumatized.