Can't trust or like anyone anymore!

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

Heeyy you understand how I feel rather accurately.

I had found that much of what is asked of me does not make much sense.  Believe it or not, I agree that it feels like ignoring the darkness within when I'm asked to not worry.

But, I have spent...  A lot of time with that darkness.  I've done everything involved with it from listening to letting it have his violent ways, and nothing works with that level of darkness.  It pulls you in and holds onto you, enslaved you, and then plays mind games with you just to pass the time and boredom.

Well, I'm still learning, but a lesson that recently re-reached me was to not worry, to not let the darkness occupy your mind and thoughts, but instead to release it, and in so doing you release its grip on you.

You see, I'm the darkness, no different of my shadow self.  I've felt the desire to kill, and I've had the fantasy of rape and torture before, I'm as violent and bellicose as my shadow self because I am a part of that darkness as much as it is a part of the light that I am.  The important thing is that i am not acting out those things, and that I work with them to better know myself.  That I forgive myself for being..Such a monster.

So when others do you wrong, try to see that they're the ones wronging themselves.  They call you naive because inside they know they're naive.  A kindhearted nature is not innately naive, but to devious minds it can appear so.  Rather I find that those naive are more sensitive to the actual reality, that they're here to be that way to give others a chance to polarize and learn.

Should they feel ashamed or guilty for wronging you, you've given them a lesson that they provided their self.  However for you it may also be taken as a lesson as well, perhaps to be more concerning with 'friends'.

But in many cases, if you wish to not attract such darkness as disgust, it's good not to judge others as such, or even yourself.

I choose not to react to the deviousness of my darkness now, to not let the projections of suffering it brings to my attention affect me so deeply, and to let go of those dark associated feelings.  I've dealt with them, now I need to let them be as their own and move on to be my own self.

It's different when such a horrible thing happens to someone close, but for now everyone is safe and sound whom I know and that is the least I could be grateful for.  That you and others that matter are not in immediate danger.  That no one I know is being raped or tortured or murdered, and that is important too.

So, it might be apathetic, but I just accept that too, and whether it appears as indifference or unconditional love is unimportant, what matters is I'm trying to be better for myself and others because deep down inside underneath the light and dark inside the void of my being and further, the one thing that is without a doubt to me is I care about others, and want to be better for them and myself, for myself and them.

I'm only human and can only do so well, so I must also do better in forgiveness and getting back to that groove of moving beyond my failures instead of being consumed by them.