10-01-2017, 10:27 AM
I was going to kill myself - I couldn't live with the pain any longer...
And I lay there, alone, utterly alone - back from the ER admission - alone for 2 weeks; and I realised no-one gave a f*** about me. Not in any practical way. The friends who could help were too far away and living their lives and my family were abusing me; and I was a hermit who had moved back to my parents town when they suggested it and never went out the door...
I said to myself - If you're going to stay here in this (sometimes pleasant) hellhole - you must engage in minute by minute intense self love/self care/self respect - if you are going to make it through to the end of this incarnation you are going to need to take care of yourself properly. I said to myself - if you don't look after yourself - no-one else is... at least if you do it - you'll know it will get done - your needs will be met - befriend yourself and look after yourself - and anything else from anyone is a bonus...
self love/self care/self respect isn't about being "selfish" it's a VITAL survival strategy here in 3D
examples: - I stopped allowing family to verbally abuse me - I wrote letters speaking my mind and confronting lies - I cut off people who disrespected me - I ate well - I stayed sober - I got enough sleep - I hid when I needed to - I shared my feelings and needs with people - I zoned out ... I kept trying.... sometimes a lesson needs extra repeats - I f***** up about 2 years again after this first suicide attempt... and had to go back to square one - but I did - I began again and I made the self care and self respect REALLY strong
again I promised myself I would become my best friend - that I would love and support myself and I would be gentle with myself - I would give myself all the things I was wanting from all the shitty abusers and abandoning people who should have done better by me...
and here I am - 4 and a half years later from the second near-death - and getting safer and calmer and tolerating less BS and doing more that is fulfilling to me each day... yes - it's not great - life is still incredibly hurtful and difficult - but I can rely on myself - I know I'm going to take care of myself till I'm meant to leave...
and the heartache has gotten even stronger !! I'm now estranged from my whole family! - sister mother father... and my dad is 95.. (he was 40 when I was born)... I'll probably never see him again - and can't go to the funeral because of all the abuse and gaslighting and s*** that's happening... I live alone - no kids - no partner - no job - PTSD clinical depression, physical injuries, fibromyalgia, arthritis, severe disc protrusion in my neck... no job for the last 25 years because of a violent workplace assault that took 10 years to be dealt with in a court case... it's 36 years since I had a complete nervous breakdown at 19... from all the abuse I'd already gone through at that point - and it only got worse and worse... but I figured out either die or take loving care of yourself... and I chose self care
I trust me
I love me
I've got my back
I used to be fucking furious
and I had EVERY right to be
just as you do
And I lay there, alone, utterly alone - back from the ER admission - alone for 2 weeks; and I realised no-one gave a f*** about me. Not in any practical way. The friends who could help were too far away and living their lives and my family were abusing me; and I was a hermit who had moved back to my parents town when they suggested it and never went out the door...
I said to myself - If you're going to stay here in this (sometimes pleasant) hellhole - you must engage in minute by minute intense self love/self care/self respect - if you are going to make it through to the end of this incarnation you are going to need to take care of yourself properly. I said to myself - if you don't look after yourself - no-one else is... at least if you do it - you'll know it will get done - your needs will be met - befriend yourself and look after yourself - and anything else from anyone is a bonus...
self love/self care/self respect isn't about being "selfish" it's a VITAL survival strategy here in 3D
examples: - I stopped allowing family to verbally abuse me - I wrote letters speaking my mind and confronting lies - I cut off people who disrespected me - I ate well - I stayed sober - I got enough sleep - I hid when I needed to - I shared my feelings and needs with people - I zoned out ... I kept trying.... sometimes a lesson needs extra repeats - I f***** up about 2 years again after this first suicide attempt... and had to go back to square one - but I did - I began again and I made the self care and self respect REALLY strong
again I promised myself I would become my best friend - that I would love and support myself and I would be gentle with myself - I would give myself all the things I was wanting from all the shitty abusers and abandoning people who should have done better by me...
and here I am - 4 and a half years later from the second near-death - and getting safer and calmer and tolerating less BS and doing more that is fulfilling to me each day... yes - it's not great - life is still incredibly hurtful and difficult - but I can rely on myself - I know I'm going to take care of myself till I'm meant to leave...
and the heartache has gotten even stronger !! I'm now estranged from my whole family! - sister mother father... and my dad is 95.. (he was 40 when I was born)... I'll probably never see him again - and can't go to the funeral because of all the abuse and gaslighting and s*** that's happening... I live alone - no kids - no partner - no job - PTSD clinical depression, physical injuries, fibromyalgia, arthritis, severe disc protrusion in my neck... no job for the last 25 years because of a violent workplace assault that took 10 years to be dealt with in a court case... it's 36 years since I had a complete nervous breakdown at 19... from all the abuse I'd already gone through at that point - and it only got worse and worse... but I figured out either die or take loving care of yourself... and I chose self care
I trust me
I love me
I've got my back
I used to be fucking furious
and I had EVERY right to be
just as you do
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