What is the opposite of guilt?

[JayCee]

Wow simply wow! Thank you all so much!
Your answers are perfect.
I was reflecting on this just before and I suspect the reason why the cousin stuff is coming up again is because it happened around this time one year ago.
And then I again remembered what it was like to be with mum during her last days. I have to share with you, because no matter how young you are you will at one point in your life be confronted with a loved one dying, sooner or later and it might be useful to you.
I remember, friday morning she was agitated and fearful like I never seen her before – I changed the setting on her bed and it made some kind of rattling noise and she almost jumped from her bed. I apologized, tried to calm her and thankfully enough the doc prescribed some kind of band aid that emits painkillers which helped somewhat so we didn't have to give her pills again, which she already had trouble swallowing.
I later learnt that that happens when the patient feels death is approaching. They will get really fearful and restless and agitated.
The bandaid seemed to help, for the rest of the day she was already calmer.
I might add she was in a state which looked like unconsciousness or sleep during that time, she hardly opened her eyes and did not talk anymore. However I am sure she realized exactly what was going on – I used to pray with her and say the „hail Mary“ and hold her hand and at those words „Mary“ she always squeezed my hand! Sometimes really tightly.
Saturday she did not want to eat, she would spit everything out and we found she could not swallow anymore so I told the polish woman „stop it, please don't try to feed her anymore, too dangerous“.
Saturday afternoon I was lying next to her in her bedroom holding her hand. The atmosphere in that room was incredible, sublime, divine, there are really no words to describe.
There was a stillness, it was like being in a temple.
I walked around without shoes, only socks, so not to make unnecessary noise.
All of a sudden such a deep feeling of love and gratitude came over me and I found myself saying to her „thank you thank you thank you“ and squeezing her hand and tears welling up.
This divine temple atmosphere even intensified on sunday. Btw that was my birthday, it was the strangest birthday ever, to be there and witness my mums last hours.
Monday morning the nurse came, looked at her and said „it will be over soon, maybe even tonight“.
The atmosphere was still beautiful but on monday I somehow felt my presence was not necessary anymore... I left her alone for longer periods than the days before. It was getting obvious the task was almost done.
Monday night I convinced my younger brother to stay with us, since it was probably the last time he would see mum. I was glad he was there with me.
I woke up during the night and went to the bathroom, looked briefly into mums room (her door was always open ) she seemed to be snoring. Then I turned off the light, that someone had left on in the corridor. It feels to me like that was meant to be, now in retrospect, like I gave the signal for her to start dying, alone and in the dark, like in a mothers womb. She was a discreet woman, in life as in death.
I went back to sleep..... then I woke up startled, my brother was in my room and said „come, I think mum just passed over“.
We went there, softly closed her mouth and looked at her. She looked lovely and peaceful. It was incredible, in a photo that was taken couple months before her death her face was all wrinkly and looked old. Now she had smooth skin, like a young girl and her hair looked amazing (well try to have great looking hair after having been bedridden for weeks, it is not THAT easy)
I almost regret I didn't take a photo of her. But I keep her in my memory anyways.
We then read the psalm „the lord is my shepherd“ and each spent some time alone with her.
We even joked some, I remember saying to my bro „I have to get my socks, it is freezing cold in here, I might freeze to death“ and he looked at me and I looked at him... and we both burst into laughter! It was a natural situation, nothing awkward.
I lit a candle I had bought days before, with a guardian angel and the words „may your guardian angel always be with you“ printed on it.
As horrible as those last weeks and months had been, but her death was beautiful. And I think she was happy to go – I told her how proud I was of how well she had arranged everything and dealt with the hardships and thanked her again.
The guardian angel candle I kept – I looked at it later after it had burnt down (it was like one of those cemetery candles with some plastic around and the angel and the proverb was on that wrapping, in case anyone wonders) and I discovered a couple of numbers on the rear of that plastic thing.
I looked closely and … believe it or not.... the numbers were my mums birthday!
Blew my mind that one. That was not the only synchronicity surrounding her death.
In a way that was the greatest gift she gave to me – allowing me to witness her death and see it as something utterly spiritual and beautiful. It was the exact opposite to my dads death some years before. He did not want to die, he was fighting till his last breath, it was painful to watch his contorted face in agony. It haunted me for quite a while.
But he was not really believing in the afterlife, he was a scientist and I think he really thought death is the end and that why he was so scared. Whereas my mum was always religious and believed in god and was able to let go.
So well, that was the end.
My lovely mum now sing with the angels and maybe sometimes looks down and is happy she is not part of that fuss and chaos anymore