The starry sky outside the windows

[siriusaqua]

Hi, everyone! I'm new here.

I feel a little shy sharing my feelings and story, but also feeling very relieved that there are many people feeling the way I'm feeling
-------- The loneliness, and the feeling of not belonging in this society.
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:exclamation: First, please forgive my English as my first language isn't English.

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About me and my story of loneliness:

I'm an concept artist, who likes to paint imaginary worlds and objects as my occupation. I like to do this ever since I had memory. Therefore, those imaginary worlds became the only place I can find peace and escape from reality.

Ever since then I was fighting against my mother's thought of having a "well-being" child. She wanted her child to have a "practicle job" in the future, like doctor, lawyer, or high salary job instead of being an artist. Meanwhile, I was not accepted by my classmates at school either. I was always pushed to the corner, because I do not found the toys or games they were playing amusing.
(Also, I was always observing them and trying to be a part of them, so I was a really quiet one. Maybe that was a part of the reasons why they liked to tease me.)

I never fought back, not because I gave up. I didn't want to be like them. I didn't want to use the same insulted words to harm them, even though they were the one who didn't care about other's feeling. But surely I was afraid and very very sad every time I came home. My mother didn't seem to understand deep emotion, and she sees "crying" as a sign of weakness. Therefore I further compressed myself and learned to keep it all to myself.
(I'm also very envy people who have siblings, because I was also alone when I was at home.)

Anyway, Being rejected by my family, and society (school), made me felt like I'm "anti-social".
Ever since I had memory when I came to this world, I strongly felt like I don't belong here. I've never shared this feeling, because i knew this is conflicting with human's expectation as being apart of a sociable society.

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On the other hand, I've never fell asleep easily.

Whenever that happened, I would climbed out of bed without my parents knowing, and looked out from the windows. I looked at those stars, the moon, and planets in the pitch black sky. They are glistening and it comforted my sorrow from this world.
In day time, I enjoyed looking at the cloud's changing into different forms. The blue colored sky sooth my pain from being rejected by this society.

Deep in my heart, I always have a ridiculous thought:
I wish I could have a pair of wings and fly towards those stars and the big blue sky.

I want to leave.

There were several time I wanted to jumped out of the windows or killed myself in the tub. I wished all this pains would end once I end my life. But there's a voice always telling me "Even thought I do so, I'd have to come back to finish what I haven't finished.", although I still don't know what I have to do until today.
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I'm now in my late 20's. It took me this long to finally look pass all the people that harmed me. Also I'm starting to build a relationship with compassion and love between me and my mother, who didn't understand me.

It is just few days ago that I found out Ra's Law of One. I was skeptical in the beginning, but every sentences speak to my heart. Especially the description about "wanderer" caught my attention. I can't say for sure if I'm 100% wanderer from other planet, but my emotions and what I had been through told me those are real, and so very... "ME"!

Furthermore, I found Carla's book about wanderer. I just read about all those little stories from different wanderers, I cried!
I have tears of joy! I've never thought that there are people who feel the way I do! Because I was always so alone!

Therefore, I felt strongly trying to find others like me, and I found this place.

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Sorry for this long post with probably not proper English.
Thank you for reading the whole thing also.

Now I know more about the Law of One, and why I felt this way my whole life. I feel so relieved!
I finally feel a flow of "love" from everywhere, even the people I dislike or strangers on the street.

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I found a piece of art I did last week:



This perfectly sums up my feelings throughout my life. Just thought it's nice to put it here.
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Oh! And nice to meet you too!