Help...

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

Quick Note to Mods: If any of the below graphics are bothersome, please tell me and I will immediately remove them, otherwise I, uh, think they're actually really cute and more so sexy than sexual or inappropriate...Still, at your discretion.

Seriously, CA: meditate.  Meditation doesn't require you to change one iota of your situation otherwise.  You need take no other risk or put yourself in any sort of additional jeopardy.

Don't you think that if you could achieve a level of calmness, awareness, and clarity that even when you're faced with difficult situations you'd at least respond better?  And not simply respond better but understand better how you fit into the situation, how exactly you contribute to it, how exactly you are don't contribute to it?

Nobody in this thread, I imagine, has any hope of telling you the one thing that makes all of this better.  You and we both know that you are going to have to figure this out.  Why not get to know your own resources better?  There's no doubt that you're intelligent, but you clearly feel like your'e stuck in troubling patterns.  Why not get to know those better, before you decide how to move forward?  

We don't know you well enough to really give you exactly what you need.  But you can figure out on your own how to proceed by knowing yourself better, and not in this abstract way we describe but in a direct way.  Avail yourself of your own resources through studying yourself, which is all meditation really is in the end.  Find out for yourself what the solution is; don't take our word for it.

I don't mean any of that as a criticism of you.  You can learn a lot by continuing down your current path, too.  When you're ready for it, know that you have other options on how to pursue this matter.

Advice taken, meditation works well, there's just something...  Ah, ah...  Point taken, I'll meditate more.

If I may ask  (?) Do you have any addictions?

I ask this because you will not be of enough will and health and personal power if you are in active addiction.
I ask because I know the theft of energy and self belief that addiction causes.

You needn't answer if this is intrusive, incorrect, or not useful for you.

I dooo...  Weed and Porn.  The former IS an addiction albeit more psychological than physical as quitting it is nowhere near as hard as the ladder.  The ladder of which I have tried various times to give up, managing a couple of days before some stupid commercial filled with sexual energies or some person all dressed up makes me feel that urge.  It's a mixture of psychological and physiological too...   I've tried to supplement it with literature but I have a feeling this is one type of scenario where I'll need to cold turkey it and do everything in my power to refrain.

Weed isn't hard to quit mostly because I know that down the line I'll have access to more and further I don't want to perma-quit so much as seriously tone down the usage for spiritual and creative uses exclusively.

Porn, ALL porn, even amateur stuff, it's all bad.  Sex is addictive, whether engaged in or being observed.  Plus the porn industry is linked to everything from child sex trafficking to rape of women AND men to perpetuating pedophilia, sexism, racism, it's fooken evil, it just is and I need to quit it for good, need to stop going to 4chan's nsfw(red) boards, need to delete all the stuff I've saved to make hypno/caption gifs to post on 4chan, need to delete all the stupidly fun sexy games like Fobs or Peaches Untold Tale...  Or AT THE VERY LEAST, I need to cut down it's usage enough so to where my brain isn't wired to only get me physically aroused when a screen with naked people is in front of my eyes.

I have addictions, I'm predisposed to them genetically, my half sister Melissa actually died around 36 from OD'ing on heroin, So... I've never touched a cigarette to my lips, I'd be hooked for life.  It's why I will never try harder drugs like heroin or meth, and while I'm curious about cocain because Archer, Ghost Recon, and various other societal mediums perpetuating cocain use, I won't ever touch it because I'll probably like it too much.  I'm fine with my hookah and weed, the only other things I'd ever try out would be psychedelics, but mostly because I want to experience conscious exploration without inhibitions, and even then, I'm not going to jump into it like that one time I tried shrooms.  Very dark experience.

If I had to think of any other addictions, I'd say I'm addicted to Star Trek, Archer, Tea, Music, Games, and Sleep

Weed use has pretty much messed me up in that I've relied on it at times to help me calm down.  That's a fast way to grow dependent.  Further I've used it for a sleeping aid for so long that if I don't smoke before trying to fall asleep I may NOT fall sleep at all which exacerbates an already screwy sleep schedule that I've ALWAYS had.
Porn is time consuming and a massive waste of creative, emotional, and physical energy and time.  I pray I'll find the strength to quit it one day and not be so hooked to needing to be exposed to beautiful curvy bodies and sex each day.  Sorry if TMI, but when you're so addicted to porn you can masturbate to it 7+ times in one day for several days, then you REALLY have a problem (and a high sex drive).  I really have a problem and I need to QUIT ET.  I'd be fine with just sexy posters and softcore playboy magazines, anything but the hardcore weird stuff you inevitably move into from desensitization.  Even making sexy pixel art like:
or
or even would be preferable to indulging in it.  I know some of you dislike the sexualization of the female form though so I apologize if these were insulting to any of you...

Anyway, I Just gotta keep trying but I keep telling myself one thing at a time.

The great irony of human existence is that we all experience the same suffering together and yet seem to be alone in it.

The paradox created by the veil.  Paradoxes have different magnitudes though, so who's to say in some way we've created somewhere else an even more separated and veiled reality.  I mean if you look at our creative works of video and writing in fiction you have to admit, we've devised some very dark, and heavily twisted realities, or channeled them.  Either way, they exist somehow.

Or as a Nine Inch Nails Song called The Becoming goes, "even when I'm right with you I'm so far away."

you smoke weed?

that's a big money and energy drain right there possum...

excellent to take a break from it

to me - you have the problem of being gifted intellectually and verbally but the disadvantage of abusive childhood behavioural conditioning, resultant anger and low self esteem

you're in your 'head' so much that you're all analysis and emotion processing and 'overview'

but you're postponing forward movement with continual analysing

- write down a list of actionable steps

do them

breath take a break

do more of them

repeat

otherwise you're like an elephant that was trained to obey with a leg chain tied to a tree and when the chain is taken off - it keeps staying around the tree - unmoving - thinking the chain is still attached... I was like that - it's conditioning done by dis-empowering parents...

you can analyse your life until the cows come home.... or you can stop analysing and start doing.... momentum will build with each action you take

- you are gifted with a whole life to explore

take flight



ps: if you've been waiting for a sign



THIS IS IT

You feel like a sister hah, thank you for the encouragement.  Perhaps I do need to get physical more, go out and enjoy the park, play solitaire at a bench, or maybe take a plastic bag with me and clean up all the garbage everywhere.

I used to do the list idea back in 2014, it'd be something nice to bring back...I still have one of them tacked on my wall titled "Project: Services To Others" with some stuff written down about how to go about helping the homeless with care packages and portable homes, with a long-term desire to make an Homeless Center for Children and Young Adults Ages 0-23~25.  I even found the old plastic clipboard I used for writing them on my bed just yesterday!  Thank you for the advice, I'll take some time to write out a life route and options list.  ...I might actually ask for some input once I start it so I don't get ahead of myself or unrealistically assign goals like the above homeless center.

Thankfully I get free weed from a friend now and then, but I do need to cut down.  It's hard to believe I never smoked anything until less than 5 years ago...  I feel like I was born a stoner...Was mistaken for one my ENTIRE life lol...  Didn't become one until around age 20-21.  Didn't help my mom smoked when she was pregnant, and apparently drank a few times lightly in her third trimester (which if I remember correctly, is the worst time to drink at all).

Started a short regiment of detoxing with some spring water infused with lemon, lime, and cucumber, courtesy of Earth_Spirit, to help get the weed out of my system a bit faster so I'm not so anxious doing a drug test for a bigger department stores.

Muddling through...  I have a hard time doing so...So I might come back here occasionally crying all pathetic like looking for more encouragement to not give up.

I have to admit, doing things alone is exponentially harder for me than if I had someone to turn around to and talk with about the experience, even if just to vent..  The idea of being alone my whole life is kind of crippling, so I really need to stay away from those thoughts.

Its hard for me too. I always thought I was supposed to have been a twin growing up, I've joked even a conjoined twin would have been fine.   Likely it is a social memory complex thing hold over. However you can come here every day, and we will take your frayed nerves and put them back where they go.

Its hard for everyone though. I think Hollywood does a huge disservice portraying adult life/work as nontramatic. lol As you get older you see why everyone is so reactive, utilizing bad coping mechanisms(alcohol, affairs, manipulation, anger), most people are barely keeping it together.

I've known people for decades who made me feel defective because they had their $#it so together only to find out that behind closed doors they can barely function. I think that is partly why we are here. We go in "muddle through" do our best to be transparent, keep our light lit, bring that light among them.

It might be your path that when working you end up meeting those people or a person who makes you feel not alone. I mean don't count on it but its how most adult friendships are formed.

I met one of my immediate soul group through this business venture. I was 32 when I met him and had never met anyone who felt like home but he did/does. We have had a rocky rough connection that is teaching us both a lot about ourselves but to some degree we can vent and build each other up regarding the work stuff.

We discovered we had an opportunity to live in the same 200 people tiny small town when we were 17 so could have met then too but I had my Christ consciousness awakening at 17 so I was likely not ready for the awakening he triggered.

Anyways I'm off topic but the point was you are not alone, physically sure but we are here, and you never know what gifts(people or otherwise) will come along your path. Working together is a great was to build comradery and bond. You already know how to meditate so utilize that skill to not lose your cool when people behave without integrity at work. "Forgive them, they know not what they do" - big J

There's actually a study regards embryonic twins and how it affects the surviving embryo and thus fetus.  Since fertilized eggs sometimes divide into two separate entities formulating twins and one of them usually doesn't survive, the other retains this experience throughout their life.  You should see if your mother might have had potential for their to be twins cause you might be feeling that as one possible reason you feel those ways.  For me, I've felt more female than male since I can remember, to the point I was even embarrassed to get changed in a gym locker room in middle school because I didn't feel like I belonged there more so than any body shame.  I actually got written up for wearing my gym uniform under my clothes so I wouldn't have to change in front of others.  I didn't care, even when they forced me to call my mother and tell her what I was doing, I just looked at them like, 'why do you want me to get naked in front of other guys, what is wrong with you?'

I've noticed that almost everyone who is a worker has some kind of addiction or coping device.  I have a friend who's pretty much a full time worker and a COMPLETE recluse who only talks to me, or my/and his best friend, all he does is watch netflix, anime, porn, and play video games like he's not getting older.  He doesn't even try dating or going out to places anymore.  A lot of my coworkers at Einstein Bagels were drunks who's always be hung over when they came in.  Most people at McDonalds were complete weed addicts, they'd come in high, go home high, be late cause they're getting high, get high in their car in the parking lot, it's bad.  Circle K oddly enough had the most normal people I worked with, though they all were quirky and weird, or a hot girl cause my older married boss was a perverted disgusting person like that.

For a while, I did everything I could to please those bosses and coworkers, and for a while I was greatly appreciated for my hard work, then they just took it for granted, and then just stopped noticing and caring at all.

I have a very hard time losing my cool at random people, in many ways I treat others with more love and kindness than I do myself.  When I make calls to Customer Service the person on the other end usually end ends the call with a clear sounding smile on their end and a gentle grateful tone.  I used to apologize for my mother's behavior to retail clothing store workers when I'd go clothes shopping with my mom because she's just cruel and rude towards them as if it's default.  Back at Circle K, people LOVED me so much that when I got pulled over for making U-turn to head home the officer who pulled me over knew me and literally let me go without a second thought.  Sometimes people recognize me when I go out still to this day and they tell me they hate how I quit, because I was the only person in that place who seemed to give a crap about customers enough so to go out of my way to help them, whether it was checking security camera footage to see if they left something behind at the counter, or to going in the back to find items not stocked yet but shipped to us, to giving people free drinks if they come in looking depressed or are having a really bad day, and I'd usually know because I'd ask them and converse and not just be a robot.

In many ways, I miss that job because the opportunity to be of service was overflowing...And sometimes overwhelming.  One time, I had a woman walk in who was lost, she had wandered from Phoenix all the way down into Chandler and had no idea where she was going or where she even was.  I didn't ask questions as to how, she wasn't drunk or high, she was legitimately just lost, at 2 in the morning.

So, I gave her a free drink, let her sleep in my car, then drove her home up in phoenix after I got off work at 6am, she was quiet like she was terrified I was going to kidnap her, so I just talked to her, told her if I was in her position I'd want someone to help me, so I'm helping her, and she didn't seem to believe me until we got to her place.  She didn't even hug me or anything, just said thank you, and only thank you, and went along her way.

Another time, had a homeless lady come in, I gave her a free drink and some towels to use as pillows and told her to sleep in the back of the story where no one would notice her or bother her most likely.

AND ANOTHER TIME when it began pouring outside around 1am, a guy who was sleeping in the rocks came running in, another homeless man on a bike rode in, and ANOTHER person who was walking came in, I gave them all dry towels to dry off, and let them grab a coffee to warm up.

I'm no stranger to helping others, I'm more of a stranger to receiving help...  I'm no foreigner to forgiving people either, I'm more loving than I care to let out anymore, and in ways I'm too loving because I become hurt from being unable to help others, or from others not wanting my help.  You could say I need to balance the green chakra and only offer my loving service to those who ask, not everyone who appears in need.

I also give homeless people my spare change and a drink if I walk by them, back in Circle K I always gave them a drink and would even grab expired food that we took off that night (so it's not actually expired) and would give it to them.  Did the same with hot dogs I'd throw out.

I'm pretty amazing, it's probably why I'm in this situation, universe probably thinks I can handle it.

---

Jade, I just want you to know your tone comes off more motherly from a place of love than my own mother, if you don't mind, I'll regards you as a kind of spiritual mother.

With that said, I want to apologize, I got triggered and defensive, it very much sets me off when I'm told I don't contribute or do anything and I misinterpreted your post in saying that, I'm sorry.  Let me try again.

I clean the house to this day, I just don't do it every day like she wants.  I keep the kitchen clean, the living room clean, and since the guest bedroom is mostly empty I don't really worry about it.  I keep the backyard clean and the pool clean.  The only place that is somewhat really dusty and neglected is my room, mostly because I'm a messy liver, I'm what you'd call a messy organized, my room represents this totally.  I'm everywhere but somehow oriented, messy but tidy, pretty paradoxical in some ways.  As for upstairs and her bedroom, I don't touch that place.  I keep the bathroom clean (though I could clean it more often...), the ONLY thing I'd say I neglect cleaning wise is the tile floors.  And that is ONLY because she expects me to get on hands and knees and clean the entire bottom floor with a scrub brush, or if not that to use a chlorine bucket with ammonia and water in it and a dirty dry-rotting mop.  I'll sweep them, but there's no way in hell I'm taking a hand-sized brush to them.  On top of that I take care of the outside, trim the plants, I should really get back into watering the Lantanas out front and the rail cacti.  I cut the palm trees, I trim the aloes, I cut the desert grass...  Like...I do more than enough considering how she says I do nothing, Jade.  Just because I don't meet her stringent versions of clean doesn't mean I'm neglecting my living space, with the exception being under my bed.  I'm sure there's a dust bun-- monster under there right now lol...

I feel somewhat disturbed by the thought of being...  Infantalized.  That oddly mimics what Earth Spirit said a while back, it's really freaky how synchronistic it is you said that because it's a multi-tiered sync, which I haven't had since 2014.  On one tier there's E_S saying this is what (some) women do to their children to make them dependent upon them, and then now you're echoing this sentiment to me.  Freaaakky, wait, WAIT--
Spoo-o-o-okyy-y-y-y-y lol.

Still, point taken, just glad I don't have an age-play fetish from it or anything super embarrassing like that.  I'll have to make efforts to not be swayed and moved by her interactions.

Again, I got triggered at your post from misunderstanding, I'm sorry about that. Pull the bandaid away~

My issues with the Law of One as I've said elsewhere is simply put, many of it does not align with the concept of a caring universe, or a loving creation or creator.  A good portion of it in fact speaks about metaphysical issues and concepts in polarity related to the negative polarity, many portions can arguably be called 'detuned' and the entire back story behind the Ra Material's creation is somewhat obscured and shrouded in a suspicious way.  Overall, I'd say there's a noticeable 'spiritual elitism' that it rubs off on people.  Suddenly we're 'higher' and 'wanderers' and 'different' from the '3D/Real World'.  It's a perfect molding for someone to put their self into and say 'I know this, I am better' without ever needing to actually say such.  It's a subtle thing, and it hasn't escaped my notice, in many ways I struggled recognizing it for a while after joining this forum but then one day it just clicked between the insults some throw like 'yer sts!' and opinions held as truths such as how polarity works and opinions towards things associated with the Law of One.  We're a quiet elitism club, some pick up on it as sexism, others see it as inactivity, and others only notice it in the moderators, but overall while we're so open, we're still very closed as a community, and I would argue that this is because no one actually understand the Law of One as it was intended to be understood, rather we all took it away with interpretations and twists on it.  Like I myself for instance struggle with catalyst and polarity concepts because in the 'grand scheme' of them in my mind, the overall image conceived is closer to an indifferent universe teaching people like God taught Jobe in the Bible, I'm not cool with that because it doesn't sound right.  Or for instance the archetypes, it's even said by Ra, and I'm paraphrasing, that the Archetypes hold the potential to disintegrate the personality complex if incorrectly used.  I'm experienced that SLIGHTLY, and it completely put a massive crack in the mirror that was my shadow self, so that even Love can't fix what's been destroyed so finely.

Overall, the material also posits that we're all responsible for ourselves outside of discarnation for the choices we made while discarnate, and while this sounds somewhat proper, it sounds off, and overall I'd argue that the overgeneralized nature of many of Ra's answers has allowed their words to be skewed into it's own theology for many and it's own philosophy for many.  They told me to let go of the pieces that didn't fit, that I was stumbling over, such as in my case, polarity and catalyst, so that's what I did.  So when people bring it up to me, all I can think is, 'You don't know what you're talking about, and honestly, neither do I, we just think we do.' And I discard it as I was asked to do.  You can talk about it with me all you want, just realize in the areas of choice/responsibility, polarity, and catalyst, I feel the material is not accurate to the actual reality at hand, but reflects it closely with some well placed subtle slants in areas to lead some people down the messed up roads to madness like the one I was taking trying to make sense of how polarity and catalyst as they're given aren't contradictions to a loving creator.  I couldn't do it, it filled me with hatred and rage, I let it go and have been healing since.

Call me selfish, call me elitist, call me whatever you want, I believe in the Law of One, just not in the same way it seems most others do, and honestly, it's been working for me slowly.  I'm pretty sensitive to energies and people are blinded by the overall purity of light the Ra Material offers enough so to not notice the little blip of darkness sitting behind the light waiting to be let in alongside that light.  And while I don't think discarnate entities such as 4D negative astral beings are actively filling every person's head with bad thoughts, I do believe that it's possible, but not as prevalent as it was made to sound like, in such a way that others have said 'help me a negative entity is filling my head with bad things'.  All I see in that situation is someone who's mind has been twisted to not even recognize it's own thoughts.  That's more dark and effective than any thought insertion a 4D negative entity might perform and it's happening merely because someone read the Law of One.

You have to remember, here in 3D we cannot discern light from dark, dark is light but we see darkness anyways, and light in another perspective is dark and we just don't experience it that way, everything we experience here should be taken with a grain of salt, ESPECIALLY metaphysically heavily oriented information such as the Ra Material mostly offers.  Basically, if it feels right, it's worth considering, but the moment it effects you negatively in a lasting way, is the moment it should be discarded.

I love the Law of One very much, I won't give up because I sense some darkness in it.  In a way, I'd think any united 6D being has their feet (or 'light') in the darkness as well just as a matter of 'Unity', it doesn't surprise me there's darkness in the Ra Material, what does surprise me is everyone's reluctance to point it out.

That's my ONLY issue with the Law of One, beyond that I am greatly depressed by the fact I haven't had anyone to talk to about it in person...

...I can only imagine my word count on B4 LOL...  Lol...  Eh...  I didn't mean to be insulting towards you Jade, I'm sorry about that again...A-again.  I find sometimes discussing spirituality can be greatly distressing for me, stringently upsetting, puts me on edge because in my understanding, a large portion of spirituality includes many, what I see as excuses, to reasons why humanity is used like puppets and vehicles for soul learning, I am greatly disturbed by the manner of which Humanity is used and viewed from an afterlife perspective.  The detachment of souls from this place has clearly been a hand in why 3D is so screwed up and filled with what Ra called, 'insanity'.  WE created this, and WE, ARE responsible for it, however others don't seem to take that in as seriously as I do.  I am greatly distraught at the very idea that I personally helped create 3D, helped make this suffering possible, choose it even.  As a human I am so distraught by it I actually fear my own soul and the afterlife because I know when I die, I as Joseph am disappearing into nothing but a memory for some soul to use for it's own selfish learning at the expense of a decent life on my part.  How many lives are miserable and horrible because a soul choose to experience it without consideration for the being they'd be inhabiting/being?  So, then on top of this all, there's the anger deep down at 3D, at how it is, at the Universe/Myself for being okay with all of this.  I just don't see the reason when the Law of One itself posits that the only real reason is the perpetuation of the same thing in 'new' ways.

82.10 Questioner: Why does this partaking in the original thought have a gradient radially outward? That’s the way I understand your statement.

Ra: I am Ra. This is the plan of the One Infinite Creator. The One Original Thought is the harvest of all previous, if you would use this term, experience of the Creator by the Creator. As It decides to know Itself It generates Itself into that plenum, full of the glory and the power of the One Infinite Creator which is manifested to your perceptions as space or outer space. Each generation of this knowing begets a knowing which has the capacity, through free will, to choose methods of knowing Itself. Therefore, gradually, step by step, the Creator becomes that which may know Itself, and the portions of the Creator partake less purely in the power of the original word or thought. This is for the purpose of refinement of the one original thought. The Creator does not properly create as much as It experiences Itself.

With this 'plan of the One Infinite', I see no actual reason for anything except 'because my godly highest selves want to experience themselves' at the complete disregard for the entities they spawn and produce and their whims and sensations.  Human's are cannon fodder for spiritual evolution.  How many other 3D races are the same?  The possibility is literally limitless and that kind of freaks me out that they'd be fine with using me for their own spiritual gain.

Jeez, I can just imagine how messed up I'll be when I die and return, all these things I've said, I wonder how they will effect me as a soul.  I personally hope I don't do this anymore, this incarnation dealio, not if it's going to always be like this.  If human's were aware of how they were being used, would they participate consciously in this '3D game'?

...I'm glad you don't see any 'mental issues' that need special handling, but you've never seen me just shut down and walk away from someone without care for the responsibilities being left behind.  You didn't see me stunned when my ex called to break up with me and you didn't see how passive and submissive I became in that shock, just willing to let her take my son away.  That's an issue to me.  That if I reach a point, and it's sometimes a shallow one, where I shut down, give up, stop trying, surrender, break, and whatnot is to me a serious concern.  I have so little motivation and desire, I'm very low energy and in many ways I'd rather just roll over, be a doormat, and die, than struggle against some of the things I feel I must struggle against.  Still though, I'm not completely those ways.  Like I don't roll over for my mother anymore or for cruel employers, I don't put up with downright cruelty to myself or people who negate me anymore.  I just know that...I'm somehow different and I need to find out what is going to work for me and not drive me to roll over and die via suicide before meeting the catalyst I can see oncoming.

I remember as a child I had this...Memory in my head of some rule, and it was a simple one, 'Don't kill yourself, it's against the rules'.  It kept me pretty stable all the way up until my ex stonewalled me from my son.  Still, now that I know the Law of One and the whole 'after-the-fact' dealio, I'm pretty sure suicide is a SERIOUS concern in my life for me to have come into life with that memory already there.

So, yes, I need to find what works for me because I...I don't know what the term is, spiritually?  Emotionally?  I just can't handle muddling through, in many ways the backwards ways of reality make muddling through only exist because it's all backwards and demands we basically work against a permanent back flow of insanity, while being demanded to stay sane.  I'm resilient but only of mind, when it comes to body, I'm extremely fragile.  I hardly wear jeans because the material is so uncomfortable, my body is stupidly sensitive and if it's miserable, my mind is miserable, and if THAT'S miserable, I'm in serious trouble because I do shut down totally and get lost and stuck in looped circular thoughts that I have no will or motivation to struggle against.

So, doing everything alone...Is dangerous for me.  I need some emotional support.  I need some mental support.  I need some spiritual support.  I can't say if I know or not if I need physical support, but I have to say working out sounds much more viable and enjoyable being done with a friend than alone, but that's not as immediately important as needing others to help me stay oriented inside of my own mind and not just disappear to sleep and become lost and stuck.

I actually have come to thoroughly enjoy hand washing dishes and mopping floors, as well as dusting with a feather duster (a decent one, not a crappy cheap one that makes more of a mess than it cleans). I enjoy brushing the pool walls and floor.  Cleaning is nice.  What isn't nice is doing it all then being told I did nothing at all.  It really messes with your head after 10 years of hearing it...

It's sad but accurate to say I am punishing myself, I guess...  I've felt like I deserve to suffer sometimes, and perhaps this is manifested concurrently...I don't know what to do about that, I don't even know from where such desires come from except my perceptions of having failed my Son, and really that may be all that those feelings stem from.  I can't describe even in 100,000 words the feelings I feel for having a son and not being there for him in any way or sense.  It's probably the most painful thing in my life that is occurring and will be occurring for the rest of my life possibly.  I failed my son, I'm like my Father, in those lights, I hate myself and don't care much for my life because I think I deserve to be homeless and a failure for bringing a life into the world only to be unable to nurture or care for it or help it get through life, help it handle life, teach it, love it, I failed.  I really failed, and I don't feel like that's something I'm ready to let go of yet.  I always wanted a family, and now that I have one, I don't have one.  Not much more to say than I failed, and that's that.  Whatever comes of it, I accept, because I don't feel like I should get a say when I can't even take care of my son.  In a way I'm just glad I don't have a daughter, I've always wanted a daughter, I even tell myself if I ever have a daughter my life will change to support hers to the end of my days.  I don't know why the sex difference matters so much to me, I've just always wanted a daughter since the moment I understood I could have kids as a kid myself, I thought to myself, and it's pretty vivid a memory, "I'd want a daughter if I could choose."

Yes sempai~, I shall meditate.  Yet another activity I wish I could do with friends side by side but overall meditation for me is always such an interesting experience.  My mind is...Incredible.  Sitting still and letting it just be creates such interesting experiences.  I typically end up having auditory hallucinations that throw me out of meditations though.  I'll never forget the first time I ever heard a voice in meditation.  I was 16, in my bedroom laying down on my bed on top of all the covers and pillows, trying to cultivate my mind to better communicate with, of all things, a sexual spirit (specifically a succubus lol...)  I laid there for what felt like 5 hours just still and silent, when suddenly a feminine almost synthesized sounding voice spoke and said 'No Repair' and to this day I have NO IDEA what it means lol, or if it even means No Repair or No Re-Pair.  I wonder if that makes me a prime subject for channeling, easily experiencing auditory experiences in meditation.

I'm actually aware of that 'honor/duty' and in a way it was my self-perception at being unable to be responsible enough to be a healer that was the ultimate resolution to my coming to believe I was literally in hell.  It took me simply realizing that I didn't at the time have what it took to be a Healer to bring my vibration so far down as to think and believe I was in hell.

Jade, your tone sounds to me like the tone of a mother who cares and is trying to get through to a troubled child.  I thank you for your 'harsh' (Loving) words.  It's actually kind of...Nice because I've never known that kind of tone...

If I might correct a misunderstanding.  The compost pile out front was originally mine, and it was not a pile.  I was going to take the wood from my old bed frame, since it's been polished with lacquer or something that makes it somewhat water resistant, and turn those pieces into a Compost Bin.  When I told my mother this, she made it abundantly clear that I wouldn't be doing that, then grabbed a chlorine bucket and said to throw everything in it.  I told her that's disgusting because all the chlorine that's leeched into the plastic will get into the compost and hence all over any food we grow, she told me I was overreacting and then told me she had 'better ideas' for a garden and pretty much yoinked right out of my control MY PROJECT to start MY GARDEN.  A year later after the chlorine bucket was filled with compost, she threw it all out when I reminded her I thought it was gross because of the chlorine leeching.  She listened that time for some reason.  Then from there she pretty much just began throwing everything she THOUGHT was compostable into a trash pile on top of the dirt where the garden would be.  This included things like BONES and MUSCLE SHELLS, she doesn't crush the egg shells and throws coffee filters on top so the wind blows them into the pool.

I know how to compost, I'm aware of even the need for a carbon/nitrogen mixture depending on what I'm going to try and grow and what is carbon and what is nitrogen in terms of composting materials.  The problem is everything I do, she takes over away from me and then screws all up.  Right now in my backyard I have basically a landfill that she thinks is a 'compost pile'.  And I don't know what to do about it anymore!  My neighbors have these beautiful tomato plants growing over our 6 foot tall backyard wall...  I have a garbage pile...

In FACT, just yesterday she swept up a good portion of fallen flowers from our southern neighbors bushes that grow over the wall, those ARE PRIME PEEERFFEEEEECT compost material, she threw it all into the black garbage bin.  It composted so quickly the inside of the bin was dripping with moisture.  I was going to sweep up all of that stuff and compost it, she did it before me and threw it all away even though I TOLD HER I'm going to USE THOSE for the compost.

So, Jade, I tried looking at her and saying I want it to be 'my' garden, for only me to work on, she strong-armed me saying it's her house, her property, and HER garden.

So, now I don't touch it, if it's her's she can take care of it.  Instead of a garden, she's turned into a garbage pile, an apt metaphor regards her personality if you ask me...

And I don't know what to do about it.

Leaving isn't possible short-term it feels right now but only because I lack the money.

Could one of you guys reiterate on the dangers of sharing a bank account with a friend and how it might affect their finances tax wise?  I don't want to screw over any of my friends from their kindness.