Help...

[Jade]

I don't think it's unreasonable for an adult to expect a child to contribute.  I think it is unreasonable to never praise that child and scold them regardless of whether they do something or not.  I think my choices were well within reason considering the way my mother treated me.

My point being that now, at this juncture, you are choosing to cohabitate with her still, and contributing to the upkeep of the house is not an unreasonable expectation when you live/eat there for free. You can hold on to past grudges or you can try to move forward cooperatively. You say WERE well within reason considering the way she TREATED you (past tense), but can you still hold that position? Just an honest question, not even rhetorical.

I don't think you understand fully how this philosophy works, owning and enabling.  Being abused is enabling irresponsibility?  You seriously believe the Law of One is a valid excuse to do some of the things done on this planet, don't you.

Your mother enabled you to be irresponsible. Yes this is a type of abuse. I'm not sure what this has to do with "the philosophy", but it's a common type of abuse these days to infantalize your children so that they are unable to participate in the complications of society without your help. It's a passive type of abusive, but it's obviously crippled you in certain ways.

That's highly, extremely disturbing to me.  I've seen you personally let your abused side get the better of you, I think it's only fair that you realize that I am trying, I'm not just sitting here doing nothing. I have an extremely hard time reaching out, and an even harder time finding motivation to even bother with half of the things I experience.

The Law of One exposed me not just to the higher workings but the lower ones too, you can say I don't take responsibility for my own actions but I'm the one who admits it was my own mind that deposited me in the hell I experienced, and that it is not my mother who ruins my life so much as controls it, and that I can only do so much about it realistically speaking beyond throwing myself onto the street and starting from the very very bottom.  That isn't irresponsible, it's being stuck.  I admit to being irresponsible in the fact that I don't even know how to be responsible beyond what I've already had to figure out on my own.  To being forgetful about things, to not understanding A LOT of things that many people take for granted in this world.

I think it's only fair to offer at least some benefit of a doubt.  I don't like my situation very much and if I knew how to leave it don't you think I would've tried that?  But instead I sit here trying to think it through, I make motions and then recoil because I change my mind because I don't know.  And I'm never going to know until I try, and typically when I try, I get shut down.

Do you really think I haven't given you the benefit of the doubt? I have not once implied that this is all your fault, that you're a failure, that your mom is innocent. I was trying to offer you practical solutions, hoping to see you willing to apply them, but instead your response to me was complaining about how she made you use the pool chemicals incorrectly and how she yells at you when you leave a dish out.

So if you're stuck, my attempts are just to help you get unstuck. Maybe it's like ripping off a bandaid.

If it's irresponsible to be conditioned to be the way I am, and if it's not acceptable to say I HAVE been conditioned by another to BE THESE WAYS, then I don't know what else there is to say to you other than not everything is on you.  You're not responsible for it all, only how you handle it.

I've handled it poorly, I accept that.  I failed to maintain my own place when I was kicked out.  I failed to maintain my status as a father.  I failed on a lot of fronts Jade, and honestly there's more of me than not that wants to just give up because it all seems to futile and pointless.  The entire system in the Law of One is honestly fuel for upsetting me and disturbing me.  I don't personally review it much anymore because very much of it I've let go of because very much of it does not sound like what I am used to, but rather like a close reflection of it.  I don't believe suicide forces you to repeat an incarnation if your free will as a soul truly chooses not to continue such a lesson.  I don't believe homosexuality is an infringement or unnatural, or that there are discarnate negatives going around filling our heads with thoughts that aren't our own.  I just don't believe half of the stuff mostly said about the negative polarity and a majority of the content looks like perfect cannon fodder to formulate a spiritual elitism.

Well, then I apologize for trying to help you through the system of the Law of One. It always is baffling to me when people post here, but then say they don't even care about the Law of One. It puts one who uses the philosophy in a position to be berated for no reason. Just because you are angry with the material doesn't mean you have to take it out on me.

So when you say to me, it's all on me.  I look at you and say you're me, so it's on you too.  If you saw someone like me on the streets, would you help me or tell me I'm responsible for my situation and to figure it out on my own?  How do you help someone with the mental issues I have?  Someone who's been abused and warped into disbelief of their self?  You've been especially helpful as have others so I'm not saying you're being irresponsible or unhelpful, just that the responsibility argument has gone through my mind well over a hundred times now and I always come back to the same thing.

There are exceptions to what some can be held responsible for.  I'm not saying my life is one, but I am saying my Mother is one.  I have tried my best to help her, to make her kinder, to make her happy.  I've sacrificed a lot for her sake and am realizing it was too much now.

I'm not saying any of this is all your fault. I'm trying to remind you that you are a CO-creator. You have a vote in these things. Yes, you've been conditioned to choose to vote for "helpless/taken advantage of Joseph" but you can choose to vote for something else. It just takes effort.

Obviously I recognize that you are also me, or else I would be doing something else do serve a different piece of myself with my time, would I not?

If I met someone on the street, would I treat them differently? Absolutely, they would be a stranger. You, dear Joseph, I have read thousands, if not hundreds of thousands of your own words describing your life, your situation, etc. I can't claim to truly know or understand, but yes, I treat you differently than I would a stranger because you aren't a stranger. I know a lot of what you've been through, and I know what you're capable of as far as critical thinking and applying yourself. As far as I'm aware, I've seen no hint as "mental issues" that need special handling. Your brain seems as capable as anyone's to me.

I forget to take out the trash because I'm busy trying to be happy.  I forget to clean the kitchen because I'm working on a book.  I forget to empty the pool filters because I walked out there to do it and got mesmerized by how beautiful the sun looks when reflecting on water.

I understand, I find cleaning to be a chore too. But don't you understand that cleaning is a SERVICE? It's a service to yourself, it's a service to the entity that is your house, and yes as unappealing as it might be it's a service to your mother. It's symbolic for how you care about the body complex... eh, sorry, guess I shouldn't use the Law of One.

In some ways I think the hardest part of my life is coming to an end now that I'm becoming more and more aware of how badly messed up I am.

This is your biggest hurdle, and you need to just learn to let it go. Beating yourself up, feeling guilty - these are purely wasted energies if you can't get past them. It's a total waste of one's energy to punish oneself in such a way. Be proud that you've made it this far, in spite of your difficulties. Earth is very hard. Take pity on yourself for a poor decision when you were backed into a corner, just as you would anyone else in your situation.

Still.  If you can offer any advice on what it means to be responsible, to not let yourself be caught up in fear and uncertainty, to make choices without neutralizing yourself, I'm all ears.  Because I'm looking to find a way, it starts with saving money and getting out of here.  I'm already trying to work through the anxiety of going through the job process to really get on my feet and jump as far away from this place as I can.

I have others so willing to help me, it is inspiring to make me help myself so their kindness isn't a waste.  To not get distracted by diversions from reality like reading or smoking or writing or games.

I do need help, Jade.  It's why I'm here and your words are greatly appreciated.  I just wish I didn't need them to be so sharp to get through my thick skull...

MEDITATE.

I don't care if you don't believe in the Law of One anymore. Meditation is proven to GROW BRAIN TISSUE. (Which means that you skull won't be as relatively thick) Just do it dude. No one can teach/learn for you. You have to learn that everything you need is within.

For what it's worth, very early into the Law of One Ra makes it very clear that by Don requesting information about healing, he was taking on a responsibility/honor/duty that he needed to ponder greatly. I think anyone who reads past that point in the book is making the same energetic agreement. So, I really don't think it's as simple as saying that you just disagree with some transient issues so the rest of it is worthless to you.

4.20: One item which may be of interest is that a healer asking to learn must take the distortion understood as responsibility for that ask/receiving, thus healing. This is a[n] honor/duty which must be carefully considered in free will before the asking.

I love you Joseph, and I am only taking a harsh tone because you have been enabled to not take responsibility for yourself so long. Giving you a space to vent about your mom until you feel better isn't going to help you get into a better situation, if that is what you truly want. Give a man a fish, teach a man to fish - I'm trying to show you that you're just as capable as anyone to co-create a reality for yourself that isn't misery. You're smart, you're sensitive, you're aware. I believe very strongly that you should get out of your mother's house. But if you can't, in the short term, I think attempts at cooperation might alleviate some of your misery - for instance, is it possible that if you learned how to make a proper compost pile, that your mother would let you help her with hers? Then you can both compromise and share space productively instead of constantly inhibiting each other's peace.

Now also understand that I moved out when I was 18, and just recently moved 1200 miles away from my abusers and have 0 contact with them. This is also an option. I'm not saying that you NEED to try to get along with your mother, the abuser - however, as your situation entails that you do currently share very close quarters with her, attempts at cooperation and healing might be in order - even if it doesn't significantly change the way she treats you, it might be able to help the way you treat yourself. Because the way you treat her, the way you treat your home, is the way you treat yourself. Even if she's set the poorest of examples, you can still rise above. You don't have to travel down the road that she created for you.