05-21-2017, 02:42 PM
I should've been clearer, had 2k, spent it all on a car lol
I kept this house clean singlehandedly after my parents divorced, it was a lot of hard work and I was already a low energy person then. When I realized I wasn't making an allowance whereas all my friends were, and my mom not only not giving me one but then ALWAYS telling me what I did wasn't good enough and amounted up to nothing, you BET I STOPPED DOING STUFF FOR HER.
What's the point in cleaning something if you're just going to be made to feel miserable about it? She told me I was nothing, I do nothing, and never contribute, sometimes right there while I'm cleaning the damn house. What am I supposed to do, just take it? I'm not the kind of way. I stopped doing things for her. I still do things for myself and clean the house if others are coming over but mostly I made a choose to NOT let my mother use me, a choice that resulted in a lot of my stuff getting taken away, at one point I was forced to sit in my room with nothing to do for several days, not even a book.
So, I think it's different catalyst and mannerisms of personality. I worked my butt off to please my mother and she was debasing and condescending and neutralizing the entire way, so I stopped. And she had to deal with that so that she'd better realize what all I DID do. Turns out it only works so well though because even to this day she tells me I do absolutely nothing worthwhile or useful.
Be happy you had friends growing up too, I didn't have any except in 5th grade, one guy named Buddy, and then puberty hit and all he EVER wanted to do was go outside and stare at girl's butts, so that friendship dissipated quickly since he also became violent and rude.
6th grade I met one of my best friends, and my first girlfriend, by that point my parent's marriage was basically fallen apart.
7th grade I met another best friend, and then my parents divorced.
8th grade my girlfriend gave me the cold shoulder for two years because I didn't talk to her because of the depression of my family falling apart. During that beginning time soon after she did that to me, our friend who'd hang out with me now and then would rub it in my face how she knows why my ex isn't talking to me, but won't tell me. This was also the year my mom first began becoming violent towards to what with grabbing me by the hair and dragging me down a hallway, all because I wouldn't go to bed right there and then.
9th grade I had no friends, everyone had their own group and I was left to the wind. Total loner all the way into Senior year, hard to make connections when you're already disconnected from yourself.
I don't think it's unreasonable for an adult to expect a child to contribute. I think it is unreasonable to never praise that child and scold them regardless of whether they do something or not. I think my choices were well within reason considering the way my mother treated me.
I don't think you understand fully how this philosophy works, owning and enabling. Being abused is enabling irresponsibility? You seriously believe the Law of One is a valid excuse to do some of the things done on this planet, don't you.
That's highly, extremely disturbing to me. I've seen you personally let your abused side get the better of you, I think it's only fair that you realize that I am trying, I'm not just sitting here doing nothing. I have an extremely hard time reaching out, and an even harder time finding motivation to even bother with half of the things I experience.
The Law of One exposed me not just to the higher workings but the lower ones too, you can say I don't take responsibility for my own actions but I'm the one who admits it was my own mind that deposited me in the hell I experienced, and that it is not my mother who ruins my life so much as controls it, and that I can only do so much about it realistically speaking beyond throwing myself onto the street and starting from the very very bottom. That isn't irresponsible, it's being stuck. I admit to being irresponsible in the fact that I don't even know how to be responsible beyond what I've already had to figure out on my own. To being forgetful about things, to not understanding A LOT of things that many people take for granted in this world.
I think it's only fair to offer at least some benefit of a doubt. I don't like my situation very much and if I knew how to leave it don't you think I would've tried that? But instead I sit here trying to think it through, I make motions and then recoil because I change my mind because I don't know. And I'm never going to know until I try, and typically when I try, I get shut down.
If it's irresponsible to be conditioned to be the way I am, and if it's not acceptable to say I HAVE been conditioned by another to BE THESE WAYS, then I don't know what else there is to say to you other than not everything is on you. You're not responsible for it all, only how you handle it.
I've handled it poorly, I accept that. I failed to maintain my own place when I was kicked out. I failed to maintain my status as a father. I failed on a lot of fronts Jade, and honestly there's more of me than not that wants to just give up because it all seems to futile and pointless. The entire system in the Law of One is honestly fuel for upsetting me and disturbing me. I don't personally review it much anymore because very much of it I've let go of because very much of it does not sound like what I am used to, but rather like a close reflection of it. I don't believe suicide forces you to repeat an incarnation if your free will as a soul truly chooses not to continue such a lesson. I don't believe homosexuality is an infringement or unnatural, or that there are discarnate negatives going around filling our heads with thoughts that aren't our own. I just don't believe half of the stuff mostly said about the negative polarity and a majority of the content looks like perfect cannon fodder to formulate a spiritual elitism.
I believe in the Law of One, but not in the same way most do. Polarity looks like an excuse made to accelerate something that for no other reason beyond because it was desired, exists. Catalyst sounds like a wild card to overgeneralize in a sweeping manner an entire ecosystem's worth of spiritual phenomena hiding right in plain sight occurring constantly for reasons that are more than just to be responded to for polarity sake.
So when you say to me, it's all on me. I look at you and say you're me, so it's on you too. If you saw someone like me on the streets, would you help me or tell me I'm responsible for my situation and to figure it out on my own? How do you help someone with the mental issues I have? Someone who's been abused and warped into disbelief of their self? You've been especially helpful as have others so I'm not saying you're being irresponsible or unhelpful, just that the responsibility argument has gone through my mind well over a hundred times now and I always come back to the same thing.
There are exceptions to what some can be held responsible for. I'm not saying my life is one, but I am saying my Mother is one. I have tried my best to help her, to make her kinder, to make her happy. I've sacrificed a lot for her sake and am realizing it was too much now.
My responsibility wasn't to myself as much as it was to her, and that mission has failed, Jade, and it makes me miserable to think I couldn't help her. It makes me scared that if I'm like her, I can't be helped either. Back in 2014, I can't say responsibility was anything beyond remembering and spontaneously doing. These days I have to think to remember what age I am, never mind all the stuff going on around my life. Even with bills, I have alarms and reminders because as I am as a being, my mind doesn't think about those things even when it's trying to. I get lost in there, and it effects my reality somewhat negatively, but in many ways also positively. I have a great appreciation for all the little things, I forget the big stuff and hold onto the little things. I forget to take out the trash because I'm busy trying to be happy. I forget to clean the kitchen because I'm working on a book. I forget to empty the pool filters because I walked out there to do it and got mesmerized by how beautiful the sun looks when reflecting on water.
I'm just different... I don't...Want to be irresponsible, and I DEFINITELY DON'T WANT TO BE ENABLED to be irresponsible, because your saying it, while upsetting, still points out to be true. And it bothers me, because on one hand it's my fault, and on the other side of the coin it's not humanely my fault, and not even a 'fault' but a life choice/lesson/plan to go through.
So, just realize that I don't want to be irresponsible, I don't want to not make it in life, I just want to be myself and not...Suffer for it. That shouldn't be so hard regardless of what the Universe/I choose/s. In some ways I think the hardest part of my life is coming to an end now that I'm becoming more and more aware of how badly messed up I am.
The doors are revealing themselves to gtfo, I'm just reluctant because, I've never been a very courageous person with change. Change to me was basically my family falling apart, my friends coming then leaving, and my life moving from one place to another without any real changes. Change to me is more hurtful and harmful from experience than it is delightful and potential for positive change. I remember back in 2014 I had to conscientiously tackle my lack of faith for a preference of proof/science, and my lack of courage for belief that things will turn out well.
I'm not kidding when I say whoever I was then is not who I am now, at least in manifestation. I saw my peak, what I could become, and then when the message sank it, it all left me as I moved into the realization that while everything is important, the opposite is equally true.
So, as another said in another thread about an enlightenment experience I had, I've been exposed to the ENTIRE spectrum in this life. Darkest darkness to the brightest light, I manifest my soul self and my animal self, and I need to discover how to consciously manifest those attributes without losing control to them, on both sides, in love and despair.
Responsibility is an extremely important lesson to learn in this life, which is probably why my suicide is the farthest thing from a valid choice to make in this life, regardless. The suffering is to souls in their detached time/space not an issue, whereas down here human's literally design reality to avoid it in their personal lives.
In a sense, Earth is the perfect place to go to be accosted with lessons of responsibility.
I just wish I knew what exactly being responsible entailed, I was never even taught how to brush my teeth or comb my hair, so it's very frightening to think about dealing with debt and bills, yet it's doable, I just have so many feelings on the systems at work here and now on Earth. Extreme parts of me extremely, obviously, want to not participate in this world's systems. I greatly do not want to live the rest of my life in a building, I want to eventually be as Brian in the book Hatchet was, find my roots here on Earth, and live a life outside of the...I guess you'd call it yellow ray structures that are so backwards and like scams. You can love something to the end of your mind, it doesn't change it in reality. Only you change from loving, everyone else has to choose to let you change them, otherwise nothing actually changes. Sure you fill the atmosphere with light and love, but my focus wasn't on the planet as much as the beautiful souls all on it. No matter how much you love them, if you can't get through into them, touch their hearts with yours, it's all superficial, face to face rather than soul to soul. Endless lies and manipulations by humans who don't know any better but then are demanded to be responsible on a planet where human's are designed to be violent and liars and selfish, but we can't demand anything of the universe in return.
The entire game feels, well, simply put, spiritually wrong, and mostly because it was designed to be that way. And, everyone is just okay with it. Then there's me.
Still. If you can offer any advice on what it means to be responsible, to not let yourself be caught up in fear and uncertainty, to make choices without neutralizing yourself, I'm all ears. Because I'm looking to find a way, it starts with saving money and getting out of here. I'm already trying to work through the anxiety of going through the job process to really get on my feet and jump as far away from this place as I can.
I have others so willing to help me, it is inspiring to make me help myself so their kindness isn't a waste. To not get distracted by diversions from reality like reading or smoking or writing or games.
I do need help, Jade. It's why I'm here and your words are greatly appreciated. I just wish I didn't need them to be so sharp to get through my thick skull...
I kept this house clean singlehandedly after my parents divorced, it was a lot of hard work and I was already a low energy person then. When I realized I wasn't making an allowance whereas all my friends were, and my mom not only not giving me one but then ALWAYS telling me what I did wasn't good enough and amounted up to nothing, you BET I STOPPED DOING STUFF FOR HER.
What's the point in cleaning something if you're just going to be made to feel miserable about it? She told me I was nothing, I do nothing, and never contribute, sometimes right there while I'm cleaning the damn house. What am I supposed to do, just take it? I'm not the kind of way. I stopped doing things for her. I still do things for myself and clean the house if others are coming over but mostly I made a choose to NOT let my mother use me, a choice that resulted in a lot of my stuff getting taken away, at one point I was forced to sit in my room with nothing to do for several days, not even a book.
So, I think it's different catalyst and mannerisms of personality. I worked my butt off to please my mother and she was debasing and condescending and neutralizing the entire way, so I stopped. And she had to deal with that so that she'd better realize what all I DID do. Turns out it only works so well though because even to this day she tells me I do absolutely nothing worthwhile or useful.
Be happy you had friends growing up too, I didn't have any except in 5th grade, one guy named Buddy, and then puberty hit and all he EVER wanted to do was go outside and stare at girl's butts, so that friendship dissipated quickly since he also became violent and rude.
6th grade I met one of my best friends, and my first girlfriend, by that point my parent's marriage was basically fallen apart.
7th grade I met another best friend, and then my parents divorced.
8th grade my girlfriend gave me the cold shoulder for two years because I didn't talk to her because of the depression of my family falling apart. During that beginning time soon after she did that to me, our friend who'd hang out with me now and then would rub it in my face how she knows why my ex isn't talking to me, but won't tell me. This was also the year my mom first began becoming violent towards to what with grabbing me by the hair and dragging me down a hallway, all because I wouldn't go to bed right there and then.
9th grade I had no friends, everyone had their own group and I was left to the wind. Total loner all the way into Senior year, hard to make connections when you're already disconnected from yourself.
I don't think it's unreasonable for an adult to expect a child to contribute. I think it is unreasonable to never praise that child and scold them regardless of whether they do something or not. I think my choices were well within reason considering the way my mother treated me.
I don't think you understand fully how this philosophy works, owning and enabling. Being abused is enabling irresponsibility? You seriously believe the Law of One is a valid excuse to do some of the things done on this planet, don't you.
That's highly, extremely disturbing to me. I've seen you personally let your abused side get the better of you, I think it's only fair that you realize that I am trying, I'm not just sitting here doing nothing. I have an extremely hard time reaching out, and an even harder time finding motivation to even bother with half of the things I experience.
The Law of One exposed me not just to the higher workings but the lower ones too, you can say I don't take responsibility for my own actions but I'm the one who admits it was my own mind that deposited me in the hell I experienced, and that it is not my mother who ruins my life so much as controls it, and that I can only do so much about it realistically speaking beyond throwing myself onto the street and starting from the very very bottom. That isn't irresponsible, it's being stuck. I admit to being irresponsible in the fact that I don't even know how to be responsible beyond what I've already had to figure out on my own. To being forgetful about things, to not understanding A LOT of things that many people take for granted in this world.
I think it's only fair to offer at least some benefit of a doubt. I don't like my situation very much and if I knew how to leave it don't you think I would've tried that? But instead I sit here trying to think it through, I make motions and then recoil because I change my mind because I don't know. And I'm never going to know until I try, and typically when I try, I get shut down.
If it's irresponsible to be conditioned to be the way I am, and if it's not acceptable to say I HAVE been conditioned by another to BE THESE WAYS, then I don't know what else there is to say to you other than not everything is on you. You're not responsible for it all, only how you handle it.
I've handled it poorly, I accept that. I failed to maintain my own place when I was kicked out. I failed to maintain my status as a father. I failed on a lot of fronts Jade, and honestly there's more of me than not that wants to just give up because it all seems to futile and pointless. The entire system in the Law of One is honestly fuel for upsetting me and disturbing me. I don't personally review it much anymore because very much of it I've let go of because very much of it does not sound like what I am used to, but rather like a close reflection of it. I don't believe suicide forces you to repeat an incarnation if your free will as a soul truly chooses not to continue such a lesson. I don't believe homosexuality is an infringement or unnatural, or that there are discarnate negatives going around filling our heads with thoughts that aren't our own. I just don't believe half of the stuff mostly said about the negative polarity and a majority of the content looks like perfect cannon fodder to formulate a spiritual elitism.
I believe in the Law of One, but not in the same way most do. Polarity looks like an excuse made to accelerate something that for no other reason beyond because it was desired, exists. Catalyst sounds like a wild card to overgeneralize in a sweeping manner an entire ecosystem's worth of spiritual phenomena hiding right in plain sight occurring constantly for reasons that are more than just to be responded to for polarity sake.
So when you say to me, it's all on me. I look at you and say you're me, so it's on you too. If you saw someone like me on the streets, would you help me or tell me I'm responsible for my situation and to figure it out on my own? How do you help someone with the mental issues I have? Someone who's been abused and warped into disbelief of their self? You've been especially helpful as have others so I'm not saying you're being irresponsible or unhelpful, just that the responsibility argument has gone through my mind well over a hundred times now and I always come back to the same thing.
There are exceptions to what some can be held responsible for. I'm not saying my life is one, but I am saying my Mother is one. I have tried my best to help her, to make her kinder, to make her happy. I've sacrificed a lot for her sake and am realizing it was too much now.
My responsibility wasn't to myself as much as it was to her, and that mission has failed, Jade, and it makes me miserable to think I couldn't help her. It makes me scared that if I'm like her, I can't be helped either. Back in 2014, I can't say responsibility was anything beyond remembering and spontaneously doing. These days I have to think to remember what age I am, never mind all the stuff going on around my life. Even with bills, I have alarms and reminders because as I am as a being, my mind doesn't think about those things even when it's trying to. I get lost in there, and it effects my reality somewhat negatively, but in many ways also positively. I have a great appreciation for all the little things, I forget the big stuff and hold onto the little things. I forget to take out the trash because I'm busy trying to be happy. I forget to clean the kitchen because I'm working on a book. I forget to empty the pool filters because I walked out there to do it and got mesmerized by how beautiful the sun looks when reflecting on water.
I'm just different... I don't...Want to be irresponsible, and I DEFINITELY DON'T WANT TO BE ENABLED to be irresponsible, because your saying it, while upsetting, still points out to be true. And it bothers me, because on one hand it's my fault, and on the other side of the coin it's not humanely my fault, and not even a 'fault' but a life choice/lesson/plan to go through.
So, just realize that I don't want to be irresponsible, I don't want to not make it in life, I just want to be myself and not...Suffer for it. That shouldn't be so hard regardless of what the Universe/I choose/s. In some ways I think the hardest part of my life is coming to an end now that I'm becoming more and more aware of how badly messed up I am.
The doors are revealing themselves to gtfo, I'm just reluctant because, I've never been a very courageous person with change. Change to me was basically my family falling apart, my friends coming then leaving, and my life moving from one place to another without any real changes. Change to me is more hurtful and harmful from experience than it is delightful and potential for positive change. I remember back in 2014 I had to conscientiously tackle my lack of faith for a preference of proof/science, and my lack of courage for belief that things will turn out well.
I'm not kidding when I say whoever I was then is not who I am now, at least in manifestation. I saw my peak, what I could become, and then when the message sank it, it all left me as I moved into the realization that while everything is important, the opposite is equally true.
So, as another said in another thread about an enlightenment experience I had, I've been exposed to the ENTIRE spectrum in this life. Darkest darkness to the brightest light, I manifest my soul self and my animal self, and I need to discover how to consciously manifest those attributes without losing control to them, on both sides, in love and despair.
Responsibility is an extremely important lesson to learn in this life, which is probably why my suicide is the farthest thing from a valid choice to make in this life, regardless. The suffering is to souls in their detached time/space not an issue, whereas down here human's literally design reality to avoid it in their personal lives.
In a sense, Earth is the perfect place to go to be accosted with lessons of responsibility.
I just wish I knew what exactly being responsible entailed, I was never even taught how to brush my teeth or comb my hair, so it's very frightening to think about dealing with debt and bills, yet it's doable, I just have so many feelings on the systems at work here and now on Earth. Extreme parts of me extremely, obviously, want to not participate in this world's systems. I greatly do not want to live the rest of my life in a building, I want to eventually be as Brian in the book Hatchet was, find my roots here on Earth, and live a life outside of the...I guess you'd call it yellow ray structures that are so backwards and like scams. You can love something to the end of your mind, it doesn't change it in reality. Only you change from loving, everyone else has to choose to let you change them, otherwise nothing actually changes. Sure you fill the atmosphere with light and love, but my focus wasn't on the planet as much as the beautiful souls all on it. No matter how much you love them, if you can't get through into them, touch their hearts with yours, it's all superficial, face to face rather than soul to soul. Endless lies and manipulations by humans who don't know any better but then are demanded to be responsible on a planet where human's are designed to be violent and liars and selfish, but we can't demand anything of the universe in return.
The entire game feels, well, simply put, spiritually wrong, and mostly because it was designed to be that way. And, everyone is just okay with it. Then there's me.
Still. If you can offer any advice on what it means to be responsible, to not let yourself be caught up in fear and uncertainty, to make choices without neutralizing yourself, I'm all ears. Because I'm looking to find a way, it starts with saving money and getting out of here. I'm already trying to work through the anxiety of going through the job process to really get on my feet and jump as far away from this place as I can.
I have others so willing to help me, it is inspiring to make me help myself so their kindness isn't a waste. To not get distracted by diversions from reality like reading or smoking or writing or games.
I do need help, Jade. It's why I'm here and your words are greatly appreciated. I just wish I didn't need them to be so sharp to get through my thick skull...