05-18-2017, 09:45 PM
I don't understand, from either vantage point I still feel disturbed... In a way I know it all does matter, yet my journey led me to the exact opposite of that, that nothing matters.
It's all so confusing, this game of life...
I don't know much of solving paradoxes anymore, back in 2014 it was a different story, paradoxes were superational. Now I have a hard time explaining paradoxes I used to explain effortlessly to friends.
It was weird, it was like my brain was opened, my ego died and was reborn, and during that process I just had the opportunity literally probably of a lifetime to be my true self.
...I guess I'm so disturbed because I thought that journey was going to lead me to some kind of source, some deep revelation that would shake up my whole world. I didn't expect it to be THAT though, that there is no point, no purpose, nothing matters because all is well infinitely.
Maybe that's my lesson in this life...To live with the antithesis of myself, to live with apathy. So disturbing, sometimes I feel like the creator is a bit too detached from her creation.
I, not sure if it's obvious, but I DO want to take the vantage point of everything matters and is sacred, even the darkness. But here I'm dealing with basically the polar opposite vantage point trying to make sense of it alongside my current one.
I get that it's one side of two coins...I just wish I understood why things are these ways. Why is infinity so...Everywhere? I don't know.
I thought enlightenment would lead to some, I guess, more bright and sunny experiences, instead it led me right into my own personal thought-up hell. Seriously, this place can be very confusing.
I know there's a meaning and reason behind it all. I just can't figure out what it is, especially when I'm stuck with this 'everything is meaningless' experience rattling around my brain every other day making me wonder until I'm questioning everything and if anything is actually 'true' or 'real' and not just 'distortions' and 'illusions'.
Gemini that same thing has occurred to me! Many resources including for living naturally seem to have vanished since 2014 that I frequented, even my facebook comments filled with love and insight from that year all seem to have disappeared one way or another. Synchronicities, I wonder if anyone ever thought they would work against a person lol...
It's all so confusing, this game of life...
I don't know much of solving paradoxes anymore, back in 2014 it was a different story, paradoxes were superational. Now I have a hard time explaining paradoxes I used to explain effortlessly to friends.
It was weird, it was like my brain was opened, my ego died and was reborn, and during that process I just had the opportunity literally probably of a lifetime to be my true self.
...I guess I'm so disturbed because I thought that journey was going to lead me to some kind of source, some deep revelation that would shake up my whole world. I didn't expect it to be THAT though, that there is no point, no purpose, nothing matters because all is well infinitely.
Maybe that's my lesson in this life...To live with the antithesis of myself, to live with apathy. So disturbing, sometimes I feel like the creator is a bit too detached from her creation.
I, not sure if it's obvious, but I DO want to take the vantage point of everything matters and is sacred, even the darkness. But here I'm dealing with basically the polar opposite vantage point trying to make sense of it alongside my current one.
I get that it's one side of two coins...I just wish I understood why things are these ways. Why is infinity so...Everywhere? I don't know.
I thought enlightenment would lead to some, I guess, more bright and sunny experiences, instead it led me right into my own personal thought-up hell. Seriously, this place can be very confusing.
I know there's a meaning and reason behind it all. I just can't figure out what it is, especially when I'm stuck with this 'everything is meaningless' experience rattling around my brain every other day making me wonder until I'm questioning everything and if anything is actually 'true' or 'real' and not just 'distortions' and 'illusions'.
Gemini that same thing has occurred to me! Many resources including for living naturally seem to have vanished since 2014 that I frequented, even my facebook comments filled with love and insight from that year all seem to have disappeared one way or another. Synchronicities, I wonder if anyone ever thought they would work against a person lol...