03-27-2017, 11:48 AM
Heh, you're not far from the truth Agua.
I'm honestly really scared of living, it's actually somewhat...It makes my mind freeze, makes it hard to think. It's why there's a part of me that wants to go walk into the mountains with nothing but a backpack with a tent and some other stuff, to try and survive in nature to, I guess, prove something to myself that I can do it, and that I can survive.
I have a stupidly keen and vivid survival reflex, it wouldn't be surprising if it were being used to control me.
I am child-like, and I am autistic, like, you don't need to tell me how damaging it is to put the box of a label called autism around myself, I'm a very out-of-the-box kind of guy and suddenly here I am, everything can be so easily dismissed, 'oh, I'm just autistic, don't mind me, I'm weird.' But the truth man is that that is who I am, I am different. I don't know quite specifically what that means but it is so blatantly obvious. I am so disturbed to be able to write myself and all of my potential and unique special ability to love and be kind and nice as oddities of an autistic brain, of traits of a person more abstract than rational.
Listen, if you happen to know any left-handed people (such as myself), you might find that some of us view the world to be very right-hand oriented (no spiritual pun intended). In a way, I'm left-handed of the mind, I'm 'HFA', as in High Functioning Autistic, my IQ is probably higher than average, I have proclivity towards creative talents both of the abstract arts and complex logic, I see patterns where none exist, especially in numbers, I exhibited autistic behavior as a child including running on my toes often, flapping my hands, speech impediments, and social disconnection. I'm basically supposedly the 'obsessive specializing' autistic, and my obsessions are Spirituality and Metaphysics. Ever since I was a child I thought about the Afterlife and what came in death, before death, what was you know?
So, looking back, I see it all and it all culminated in 2014 with the discovery and application in my life of the Law of One which taught me enough about myself to, well, come here, lose my s***, realize there's something wrong with me, and ultimately discover I'm autistic and thus, officially 'different' from most people.
So, being different, it isn't a good feeling, it is a very void experience. As if to say, 'it doesn't matter because I wouldn't understand anyway because I am different'.
You are absolutely right about my negative self image though, but as I would point out to myself, when you're surrounded by a lie and bombarded by this lie again and again, it eventually becomes true to the mind. In this case, I'm bombarded with nullifying energies, so I realize the first and most important step to living the Law of One is to become conscious of every single thing I speak, write, think, do, to catch when I am being negative and to replace that negativity with it's opposing positivity. Essentially being happy by just thinking it in place of thinking negative thoughts. I went through the entire spiritual awakening process in 2014, I do consider in all honesty that for a while I was my soul self in manifested personality, or basically, that I was the closest I've ever been to doing what I came here to do, which was be myself, my unconditionally loving self, while learning my limitations and how to accept them in this life.
I will try, and you see, I am not upset!
But, about that.
As of lately, what with the prospect of everything that could happen lately, still not knowing if I'm going to be hauled into a psych place, I've been a bit...Shocked, and shut down. I feel kind of like an empty hollow shell, like the feeling of helplessness has really gotten in deep and spread, making me just 'blank out' and shut down, not having any real emotions. Like going to a psych ward place, that should terrify me, but instead I'm docile and passively curious. I should be incredibly upset that I could so easily be told I'll be put away, but instead I just don't care.
It's been like that these last few days, I haven't gotten really happy or sad, I've felt highs and lows but the extremes are just cut off from me right now.
Numb is the word I'm looking for, or jaded? I don't know but I call it my 'Comfortably Numb' mode, happens when I'm really freaked out, I just shut it down, just wait it out, just let it happen.
In I think the 6th grade, my mother hit a hole in my wall during a fight, called the police and blamed it on me, this was after she dragged me down a hallway by my hair, a 180 pound kid, by my hair, just feel that's really important to iterate. So she sent me to some juvenile delinquent center where I was monitored in my sleep, couldn't even get up to pee without needing to be cleared by someone watching me. I'm sitting there putting on my socks and they question me why I'm taking so long.
(fun fact, I take forever to put on socks or plastic gloves, they will be the death of me!)
So pretty much during anger management counseling I meet a bunch of other kids who are all just, messed up one way or another, one had no issue with hurting people, another just wanted to get laid, another had severe issues with authority, then there's me, some docile long-haired hippy looking video gamer.
In fact, when my mom came to get me two days later I refused to leave with her because she was still terrifyingly angry and cruel acting, the lady at the center that day even said she thought it better if I stayed an extra day.
Like, I don't even know where to begin anymore, I look back and it's just one long stream of imagery of interactions that just make me feel very ashamed to bother being here at all. It's very disturbing and confusing to me why she's so cruel to me when I'm just this helpless clueless kid, why I'm always taking the brunt of her screaming so loud my ears ring in pain. Wondering why the house went from her and my father screaming to me and her screaming at each other.
A majority of my life it seems and feels to be one long fight.
Depressing to think about. Tiresome to think about. And the worst of it all is the realization of being clueless and helpless, like, what's left to do then? Figure it out? Keep trying? Okay, and I do, and I have been, but it's like every bend, every turn, every opportunity is blocked. How am I supposed to figure that out? What am I supposed to do?!
How do you meet a cold statuesque monster who only cares about what you can do for them with love, even when they make it harder than hell to get away? What am I supposed to do? Love and forgiveness don't change anything when it comes to her, she doesn't give any cares sometimes and I don't understand it. She will talk the rudest cruelest things about the things I love, she doesn't seem to consider me or care about me beyond a numerical value that is in her eyes less than 0.
I'm sure that's not true but it's how I feel...
And I am exceedingly growing sick and tired of feeling that way. How hard is it to be nice? What does it take to make someone into a nice person?
I don't even know if it matters.
You know, the scariest thing that solidified the reality of my mother's cruelty was how similar she was to Malory Archer from the show Archer. It was uncanny and somewhat disturbing. Replace the alcoholism with weed and you have my mother basically...
I'm honestly really scared of living, it's actually somewhat...It makes my mind freeze, makes it hard to think. It's why there's a part of me that wants to go walk into the mountains with nothing but a backpack with a tent and some other stuff, to try and survive in nature to, I guess, prove something to myself that I can do it, and that I can survive.
I have a stupidly keen and vivid survival reflex, it wouldn't be surprising if it were being used to control me.
I am child-like, and I am autistic, like, you don't need to tell me how damaging it is to put the box of a label called autism around myself, I'm a very out-of-the-box kind of guy and suddenly here I am, everything can be so easily dismissed, 'oh, I'm just autistic, don't mind me, I'm weird.' But the truth man is that that is who I am, I am different. I don't know quite specifically what that means but it is so blatantly obvious. I am so disturbed to be able to write myself and all of my potential and unique special ability to love and be kind and nice as oddities of an autistic brain, of traits of a person more abstract than rational.
Listen, if you happen to know any left-handed people (such as myself), you might find that some of us view the world to be very right-hand oriented (no spiritual pun intended). In a way, I'm left-handed of the mind, I'm 'HFA', as in High Functioning Autistic, my IQ is probably higher than average, I have proclivity towards creative talents both of the abstract arts and complex logic, I see patterns where none exist, especially in numbers, I exhibited autistic behavior as a child including running on my toes often, flapping my hands, speech impediments, and social disconnection. I'm basically supposedly the 'obsessive specializing' autistic, and my obsessions are Spirituality and Metaphysics. Ever since I was a child I thought about the Afterlife and what came in death, before death, what was you know?
So, looking back, I see it all and it all culminated in 2014 with the discovery and application in my life of the Law of One which taught me enough about myself to, well, come here, lose my s***, realize there's something wrong with me, and ultimately discover I'm autistic and thus, officially 'different' from most people.
So, being different, it isn't a good feeling, it is a very void experience. As if to say, 'it doesn't matter because I wouldn't understand anyway because I am different'.
You are absolutely right about my negative self image though, but as I would point out to myself, when you're surrounded by a lie and bombarded by this lie again and again, it eventually becomes true to the mind. In this case, I'm bombarded with nullifying energies, so I realize the first and most important step to living the Law of One is to become conscious of every single thing I speak, write, think, do, to catch when I am being negative and to replace that negativity with it's opposing positivity. Essentially being happy by just thinking it in place of thinking negative thoughts. I went through the entire spiritual awakening process in 2014, I do consider in all honesty that for a while I was my soul self in manifested personality, or basically, that I was the closest I've ever been to doing what I came here to do, which was be myself, my unconditionally loving self, while learning my limitations and how to accept them in this life.
I will try, and you see, I am not upset!
But, about that.
As of lately, what with the prospect of everything that could happen lately, still not knowing if I'm going to be hauled into a psych place, I've been a bit...Shocked, and shut down. I feel kind of like an empty hollow shell, like the feeling of helplessness has really gotten in deep and spread, making me just 'blank out' and shut down, not having any real emotions. Like going to a psych ward place, that should terrify me, but instead I'm docile and passively curious. I should be incredibly upset that I could so easily be told I'll be put away, but instead I just don't care.
It's been like that these last few days, I haven't gotten really happy or sad, I've felt highs and lows but the extremes are just cut off from me right now.
Numb is the word I'm looking for, or jaded? I don't know but I call it my 'Comfortably Numb' mode, happens when I'm really freaked out, I just shut it down, just wait it out, just let it happen.
In I think the 6th grade, my mother hit a hole in my wall during a fight, called the police and blamed it on me, this was after she dragged me down a hallway by my hair, a 180 pound kid, by my hair, just feel that's really important to iterate. So she sent me to some juvenile delinquent center where I was monitored in my sleep, couldn't even get up to pee without needing to be cleared by someone watching me. I'm sitting there putting on my socks and they question me why I'm taking so long.
(fun fact, I take forever to put on socks or plastic gloves, they will be the death of me!)
So pretty much during anger management counseling I meet a bunch of other kids who are all just, messed up one way or another, one had no issue with hurting people, another just wanted to get laid, another had severe issues with authority, then there's me, some docile long-haired hippy looking video gamer.
In fact, when my mom came to get me two days later I refused to leave with her because she was still terrifyingly angry and cruel acting, the lady at the center that day even said she thought it better if I stayed an extra day.
Like, I don't even know where to begin anymore, I look back and it's just one long stream of imagery of interactions that just make me feel very ashamed to bother being here at all. It's very disturbing and confusing to me why she's so cruel to me when I'm just this helpless clueless kid, why I'm always taking the brunt of her screaming so loud my ears ring in pain. Wondering why the house went from her and my father screaming to me and her screaming at each other.
A majority of my life it seems and feels to be one long fight.
Depressing to think about. Tiresome to think about. And the worst of it all is the realization of being clueless and helpless, like, what's left to do then? Figure it out? Keep trying? Okay, and I do, and I have been, but it's like every bend, every turn, every opportunity is blocked. How am I supposed to figure that out? What am I supposed to do?!
How do you meet a cold statuesque monster who only cares about what you can do for them with love, even when they make it harder than hell to get away? What am I supposed to do? Love and forgiveness don't change anything when it comes to her, she doesn't give any cares sometimes and I don't understand it. She will talk the rudest cruelest things about the things I love, she doesn't seem to consider me or care about me beyond a numerical value that is in her eyes less than 0.
I'm sure that's not true but it's how I feel...
And I am exceedingly growing sick and tired of feeling that way. How hard is it to be nice? What does it take to make someone into a nice person?
I don't even know if it matters.
You know, the scariest thing that solidified the reality of my mother's cruelty was how similar she was to Malory Archer from the show Archer. It was uncanny and somewhat disturbing. Replace the alcoholism with weed and you have my mother basically...