03-22-2017, 12:40 AM
Hell no end to neutral no end no end. No end. karmic system is torture.
Where is God. Where is It. Where is intelligence. Where is the higher intelligence. Why the f*** do all my thoughts turn away from me. Why don't the entities face me directly. Why do they face sideways smiling. All the entities are facing sideways, not looking at me. Smiling. This is absolute torture. This is endless torture. All of my thoughts are limited and I perceive no greater intelligence than these weak thoughts. My thoughts and my perceptions are the highest thing I can perceive. This is Hell. Hell is when existence has a limit. The limit is my own mind.
Every single thought inspiration that comes to me is a new torture. This thought inspiration, "Keep searching," "Zoom your sense of 'I' outwards until you reach the One." These higher self thoughts are mocking me. I see suicide as the only option for reuniting with the One. I see no end to this endless fruitless search. I have been dedicated for two years and literally all of it is trash. Every spiritual achievement I have achieved is trash. I have accepted trash as my inspiration. Dull smiling sideways-facing motherfuckers who murmur some colorless inspiration to keep me going. "everyone awakens eventually, don't worry
" "you are progressing!" " you are the infinite" "Who is 'I?' Meditate on that forever." "you are infinitely loved." And these sayings come out of the mouths of nothing-ghosts, wisps of thought that have no intelligence. I have been listening to fake thoughts for years. I have nothing, all has been trash.
I sobbed with extreme concentration for 45 minutes into the darkness, discarding every stupid repetitive thought that comes into my mind, "WHERE ARE YOU, PLEASE SHOW ME ONE THING, JUST ONE THING THAT DEMONSTRATES HIGHER INTELLIGENCE." Every single thought was my ego mind trying to keep me trapped in my small little bubble: "you're already experiencing it!" "This is IT, this is infinity" "It's all around you, it is infinitely part of you" All bullshit, they have no value. I'm not TRYING to reject these thoughts either, I am simply observing their lack of impact on my soul.
Hell Hell Hell Hell this is no end I am back where I started. Help Help. Extreme trapped. EXtreme trapped. Infinitely trapped, I cannot move from this trap, because I AM THE TRAP. The trap IS ME. I am Trap. I am Trapped in Me, Trap.
EXTREME FEAR to the point of paralyzation. I cannot move, the fear is deeper than any love I have ever known. Literally am paralyzed, earlier I tried to stop breathing. I want to kill myself. I want to die. This Earth is miserable pain. Pleasure is disgusting. Pain is horrifying.
I don't know how to deal with this energy. This happens often, this rage and paralyzing world-hatred. Each time is more horrifying than the last. If it continues like this I will be dead soon. Eventually the hell will be so great I cannot bear existence any longer.
What is the purpose of this experience. It is pure hellish confusion. Here is audio of my Hell: http://vocaroo.com/i/s0eOIEynjCjv I became lucid enough during the episode to press record. I don't know why I recorded it, I did though. at 2:00 I start really screaming. sorry for the pain.
maybe it seems like im faking it but no it hurts real bad. i dont know how we all havent committed suicide yet.
Where is God. Where is It. Where is intelligence. Where is the higher intelligence. Why the f*** do all my thoughts turn away from me. Why don't the entities face me directly. Why do they face sideways smiling. All the entities are facing sideways, not looking at me. Smiling. This is absolute torture. This is endless torture. All of my thoughts are limited and I perceive no greater intelligence than these weak thoughts. My thoughts and my perceptions are the highest thing I can perceive. This is Hell. Hell is when existence has a limit. The limit is my own mind.
Every single thought inspiration that comes to me is a new torture. This thought inspiration, "Keep searching," "Zoom your sense of 'I' outwards until you reach the One." These higher self thoughts are mocking me. I see suicide as the only option for reuniting with the One. I see no end to this endless fruitless search. I have been dedicated for two years and literally all of it is trash. Every spiritual achievement I have achieved is trash. I have accepted trash as my inspiration. Dull smiling sideways-facing motherfuckers who murmur some colorless inspiration to keep me going. "everyone awakens eventually, don't worry
" "you are progressing!" " you are the infinite" "Who is 'I?' Meditate on that forever." "you are infinitely loved." And these sayings come out of the mouths of nothing-ghosts, wisps of thought that have no intelligence. I have been listening to fake thoughts for years. I have nothing, all has been trash. I sobbed with extreme concentration for 45 minutes into the darkness, discarding every stupid repetitive thought that comes into my mind, "WHERE ARE YOU, PLEASE SHOW ME ONE THING, JUST ONE THING THAT DEMONSTRATES HIGHER INTELLIGENCE." Every single thought was my ego mind trying to keep me trapped in my small little bubble: "you're already experiencing it!" "This is IT, this is infinity
" "It's all around you, it is infinitely part of you" All bullshit, they have no value. I'm not TRYING to reject these thoughts either, I am simply observing their lack of impact on my soul.Hell Hell Hell Hell this is no end I am back where I started. Help Help. Extreme trapped. EXtreme trapped. Infinitely trapped, I cannot move from this trap, because I AM THE TRAP. The trap IS ME. I am Trap. I am Trapped in Me, Trap.
EXTREME FEAR to the point of paralyzation. I cannot move, the fear is deeper than any love I have ever known. Literally am paralyzed, earlier I tried to stop breathing. I want to kill myself. I want to die. This Earth is miserable pain. Pleasure is disgusting. Pain is horrifying.
I don't know how to deal with this energy. This happens often, this rage and paralyzing world-hatred. Each time is more horrifying than the last. If it continues like this I will be dead soon. Eventually the hell will be so great I cannot bear existence any longer.
What is the purpose of this experience. It is pure hellish confusion. Here is audio of my Hell: http://vocaroo.com/i/s0eOIEynjCjv I became lucid enough during the episode to press record. I don't know why I recorded it, I did though. at 2:00 I start really screaming. sorry for the pain.
maybe it seems like im faking it but no it hurts real bad. i dont know how we all havent committed suicide yet.
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