03-20-2017, 03:19 AM
This is a unique issue for me. I feel I am not so troubled by a repression of my natural feminine energy, as I was raised by my Mom and have a high degree of respect for the feminine elements. Rather, more frustrating for me through my life has been the acceptance of my masculine aspects which have always felt and been presented by many around me as 'tainted' and often an effort to 'diffused' a certain tenacity I tend to have.
I like to fight. I don't get in to fights, only one ever and I chose not to fight, but I love martial arts, the arts of war and mastery of strategy. I don't like these things turned towards innocence, they are meant for individuals who desire to use them.
War is Hell, I am not interested in War to wage it. However I am interested in the martial development and self-defense. In this way, I am forced to engage the concepts of War. I came from War, before this life and in many other lives I have bathed deep in blood, both my own and those whom I struggled against. My earliest memories in this life were of combat in other places and on other worlds. Those memories seem closer than the experiences of my body as a child.
I have always seen myself as a warrior, it is in my blood but when I became a teenager and was being introduced to the warrior I encountered this very strong message that this was wrong. That warriors were unacceptable and violent and the only way to be a good person is to be peaceable in all ways. Instead I acted out in ways which made me arrogant and essentially uninterested in learning from others. All that energy for combat had to move somehow and so I put it in to my ego.
Then I had my psychedelic breakthroughs and suddenly I was 'militantly' peaceful. I was so in to my 'oneness' spirit states that I pretty much couldn't empathize with regular people, I was totally out of touch with consensus reality. I believed a total pacifism to life essentially was the same as surrendering to it. Slowly I was growing a demon within me, the masculine energy that had been so repressed and unbalanced was fighting back and urging me towards suicide, which had begun with deep depression years earlier.
I was heavily involved with the metal community at that time which was my way of balancing my aggression within with a pacifism outside since I am more in to doom and downtempo metal as well as epic things. However, it was eating my up inside and I was literally starting to go inside with the energy trying to release. Eventually I hit rock bottom. My Dad pulled me out.
I spent about three months in a totally lethargic, isolated state. I didn't know what else to do with myself until I discovered this Awakening the Illuminated Heart workshop which is based on Drunvalo Melchizedek's work, the Flower of Life. There I learned some things but most importantly I met my Reiki Master who took me under her wing for three months and taught me everything she knew. I did so much healing in that time. I cried and scream in ways I never would have permitted myself before, but I also learned to honour my masculine and the warrior within me.
One of the ways it was repressed was particularly in my sexuality. I have always been rather Roman, being very proper on the outside while having a rather intense sexual fascination on the inside, most particularly because it has been a difficult experience to have in my life. There is a reason my masculine was repressed there and why that became the crux of my self-consciousness. I am gonna tell you one of my 'darkest' secrets. It is one of the things I am most ashamed of. I later realized that it had been influenced by the vile boyfriend my Mom was with at the time but all the same.
When I was about 11 years old I was hanging out at my elementary school for some reason after school, pretty much everyone was gone. I was going through puberty at the time and I was just discovering sexuality in a more defined way (I would even kiss dolls as a toddler, I had a 'girlfriend' in Grade 2 and we kissed, I like girls and I rsrely, rarely admit that) and had some exposure to porn since the internet was a thing. I always felted dejected because I, due to my upbringing, always felt that girls would never like me because of my own self-perceived strangeness. Not only that, I couldn't fathom how to approach girls because I was told to respect them, but not how to be a boy since my parents split when I was 6 and was mostly with my Mom. Plus my Dad was an alcoholic then and wasn't really tenable as a teacher. So I had some bad examples and one day as I was saying I was there after school and I saw a young girl around my age across the field and I don't even remember registering that she was cute but suddenly I was overwhelmed by this mental image whereby I essentially took dominance over her. This horrified me and honestly still does. This single moment has done so much to shape my mental landscape because it was at that moment I realized I couldn't trust my own mind. It wasn't always a good thing.
I never felt any impulse to follow through with it, it was more of a vision but it disturbed me to the core. If I was capable of such a horrendous act even in thought then I could be capable of anything. That's when I became obsessed with morbidity and wanted to know everything about it so that when it aroused within me I could counter it or stamp it out. This is where the warrior in me became frozen because it saw me as the enemy and so I turned on myself and started to systematically destroy my personality.
At first I didn't realize that's what was happening but now I realize that I slowly began to reject everything that I felt made me, me. I wasn't good. I was evil. My masculinity was evil and needed to be destroyed by the warrior within me which always appeared as Bast, a female warrior and guardian. It was always the female that was the warrior and protector and the man who was the corrupted beast. In that I thought I needed the femine to subdue and master the masculine, to put it under its thumb so that it could not act out inappropriately.
The truth is that these things all played out in my life, in my relationships. I have never been abusive, but I have had moments of gross ignorance and at times indecency. It took me a long time to begin to divest both male and female of the biases I had so thoroughly put in to them. It's funny now to think that as I was destroying my personality I was also breaking down the illusions which had held me for so long.
After a lot of work I have slowly reshaped the images within my mind that represent the relationship between the masculine and the feminine. They get along much better now and usually work together, although the masculine is still quite shy to come out in any show of force. Even when I am doing my best to be peaceable I still get people saying I come across aggressive. What I am learning is that I don't have to feel guilty for that. I don't have to be more soft, gentle and feminine in order to 'be a good man' because the qualities which define goodness transcend personality. I may be a little pushy and rough around the edges at times but my interest is always towards positivity, even when I'm embracing negativity. It's all about balance for me and well, I still have some big imbalances to work out, but I've made some progress.
Realizing that I don't have to give up my love of Kung Fu, martial arts and war strategy in order to be compassionate and empathetic was a first step to accepting both the masculine and feminine within me. I like fighting for fun and for sport, there are healthy (mutually consenting individuals engaging in sport) ways to exercise these energies as well as use them for self-defense and protection.
However, what I am learning is that softness, gentleness and subtly are also essential to the arts I am attracted to and so having finally achieved some measure of inner peace I am attempting to learn a bit more gentility in my interactions. Sometimes I go too far and end up being disconnected and aloof, but usually because I am trying to balance out my own sometimes judgemental intensity. There is a time and a place for each things. Some things require firmness and others require a soft touch.
There are many tools in the toolbox of life and I think many of our distortions are like not understanding how to use the tools so we use them poorly and in weird ways. Once we begin to figure what the tool is used for we begin to learn to use it more proficiently. This is like the balance between masculine and feminine I think. Hard to imagine anybody just starting off with that balance down.
I like to fight. I don't get in to fights, only one ever and I chose not to fight, but I love martial arts, the arts of war and mastery of strategy. I don't like these things turned towards innocence, they are meant for individuals who desire to use them.
War is Hell, I am not interested in War to wage it. However I am interested in the martial development and self-defense. In this way, I am forced to engage the concepts of War. I came from War, before this life and in many other lives I have bathed deep in blood, both my own and those whom I struggled against. My earliest memories in this life were of combat in other places and on other worlds. Those memories seem closer than the experiences of my body as a child.
I have always seen myself as a warrior, it is in my blood but when I became a teenager and was being introduced to the warrior I encountered this very strong message that this was wrong. That warriors were unacceptable and violent and the only way to be a good person is to be peaceable in all ways. Instead I acted out in ways which made me arrogant and essentially uninterested in learning from others. All that energy for combat had to move somehow and so I put it in to my ego.
Then I had my psychedelic breakthroughs and suddenly I was 'militantly' peaceful. I was so in to my 'oneness' spirit states that I pretty much couldn't empathize with regular people, I was totally out of touch with consensus reality. I believed a total pacifism to life essentially was the same as surrendering to it. Slowly I was growing a demon within me, the masculine energy that had been so repressed and unbalanced was fighting back and urging me towards suicide, which had begun with deep depression years earlier.
I was heavily involved with the metal community at that time which was my way of balancing my aggression within with a pacifism outside since I am more in to doom and downtempo metal as well as epic things. However, it was eating my up inside and I was literally starting to go inside with the energy trying to release. Eventually I hit rock bottom. My Dad pulled me out.
I spent about three months in a totally lethargic, isolated state. I didn't know what else to do with myself until I discovered this Awakening the Illuminated Heart workshop which is based on Drunvalo Melchizedek's work, the Flower of Life. There I learned some things but most importantly I met my Reiki Master who took me under her wing for three months and taught me everything she knew. I did so much healing in that time. I cried and scream in ways I never would have permitted myself before, but I also learned to honour my masculine and the warrior within me.
One of the ways it was repressed was particularly in my sexuality. I have always been rather Roman, being very proper on the outside while having a rather intense sexual fascination on the inside, most particularly because it has been a difficult experience to have in my life. There is a reason my masculine was repressed there and why that became the crux of my self-consciousness. I am gonna tell you one of my 'darkest' secrets. It is one of the things I am most ashamed of. I later realized that it had been influenced by the vile boyfriend my Mom was with at the time but all the same.
When I was about 11 years old I was hanging out at my elementary school for some reason after school, pretty much everyone was gone. I was going through puberty at the time and I was just discovering sexuality in a more defined way (I would even kiss dolls as a toddler, I had a 'girlfriend' in Grade 2 and we kissed, I like girls and I rsrely, rarely admit that) and had some exposure to porn since the internet was a thing. I always felted dejected because I, due to my upbringing, always felt that girls would never like me because of my own self-perceived strangeness. Not only that, I couldn't fathom how to approach girls because I was told to respect them, but not how to be a boy since my parents split when I was 6 and was mostly with my Mom. Plus my Dad was an alcoholic then and wasn't really tenable as a teacher. So I had some bad examples and one day as I was saying I was there after school and I saw a young girl around my age across the field and I don't even remember registering that she was cute but suddenly I was overwhelmed by this mental image whereby I essentially took dominance over her. This horrified me and honestly still does. This single moment has done so much to shape my mental landscape because it was at that moment I realized I couldn't trust my own mind. It wasn't always a good thing.
I never felt any impulse to follow through with it, it was more of a vision but it disturbed me to the core. If I was capable of such a horrendous act even in thought then I could be capable of anything. That's when I became obsessed with morbidity and wanted to know everything about it so that when it aroused within me I could counter it or stamp it out. This is where the warrior in me became frozen because it saw me as the enemy and so I turned on myself and started to systematically destroy my personality.
At first I didn't realize that's what was happening but now I realize that I slowly began to reject everything that I felt made me, me. I wasn't good. I was evil. My masculinity was evil and needed to be destroyed by the warrior within me which always appeared as Bast, a female warrior and guardian. It was always the female that was the warrior and protector and the man who was the corrupted beast. In that I thought I needed the femine to subdue and master the masculine, to put it under its thumb so that it could not act out inappropriately.
The truth is that these things all played out in my life, in my relationships. I have never been abusive, but I have had moments of gross ignorance and at times indecency. It took me a long time to begin to divest both male and female of the biases I had so thoroughly put in to them. It's funny now to think that as I was destroying my personality I was also breaking down the illusions which had held me for so long.
After a lot of work I have slowly reshaped the images within my mind that represent the relationship between the masculine and the feminine. They get along much better now and usually work together, although the masculine is still quite shy to come out in any show of force. Even when I am doing my best to be peaceable I still get people saying I come across aggressive. What I am learning is that I don't have to feel guilty for that. I don't have to be more soft, gentle and feminine in order to 'be a good man' because the qualities which define goodness transcend personality. I may be a little pushy and rough around the edges at times but my interest is always towards positivity, even when I'm embracing negativity. It's all about balance for me and well, I still have some big imbalances to work out, but I've made some progress.
Realizing that I don't have to give up my love of Kung Fu, martial arts and war strategy in order to be compassionate and empathetic was a first step to accepting both the masculine and feminine within me. I like fighting for fun and for sport, there are healthy (mutually consenting individuals engaging in sport) ways to exercise these energies as well as use them for self-defense and protection.
However, what I am learning is that softness, gentleness and subtly are also essential to the arts I am attracted to and so having finally achieved some measure of inner peace I am attempting to learn a bit more gentility in my interactions. Sometimes I go too far and end up being disconnected and aloof, but usually because I am trying to balance out my own sometimes judgemental intensity. There is a time and a place for each things. Some things require firmness and others require a soft touch.
There are many tools in the toolbox of life and I think many of our distortions are like not understanding how to use the tools so we use them poorly and in weird ways. Once we begin to figure what the tool is used for we begin to learn to use it more proficiently. This is like the balance between masculine and feminine I think. Hard to imagine anybody just starting off with that balance down.